Re: Guilt again

October 21, 2006

Beautiful, Sandie! We should all keep your letter when the guilt trip starts.

I don't have the guilt now, but I sure have in the past. Age seems to have

helped

me realize I can only take care of, or do so much, and not to beat myself

over the rest like I used to.

I really like your outlook, Sandie.

Imogene

In a message dated 10/21/2006 11:36:56 PM Central Daylight Time,

sanclown@... writes:

My opinion is that guilt is a choice. Either we chose

to feel guilty or we chose to not feel guilty. One

dear member wrote years ago that " we are only

responsible for the effort, not the result. " This

helped me get through the effects of my dad having

taken Ativan for several months. I didn't know any

better. I thought it was ok for him. As soon as I

learned differently, I had it stopped. My dad had

to go to a nursing home. It wasn't something I

had planned for him, wasn't something I wanted,

but for safety reasons and for the care he needed,

he had to move. When dad moved his apartment

had to be cleaned out. I did the cleaning and packing. My brother's only

job was to advertise

the items that we were going to sell to have the

money put in an Irrevocable Burial Fund. I didn't

push guilt on my brother either. Either he was

at a place where he could help, or he wasn't.

Again, I feel that guilt is a choice. I do understand

though. I think it is completely normal to feel

guilty. But really, there is no need to. Love your

dad, be there for your dad 'til the end, and do

all you know how with the skills you have. The

rest will get done...without the guilt.

Take care of yourself, too!

Sandie

Des Moines, IA

dad, Merle, passed from LBD 9-20-02, age 65

October 21, 2006

My opinion is that guilt is a choice. Either we chose

to feel guilty or we chose to not feel guilty. One

dear member wrote years ago that " we are only

responsible for the effort, not the result. " This

helped me get through the effects of my dad having

taken Ativan for several months. I didn't know any

better. I thought it was ok for him. As soon as I

learned differently, I had it stopped. My dad had

to go to a nursing home. It wasn't something I

had planned for him, wasn't something I wanted,

but for safety reasons and for the care he needed,

he had to move. When dad moved his apartment

had to be cleaned out. I did the cleaning and packing. My brother's only

job was to advertise

the items that we were going to sell to have the

money put in an Irrevocable Burial Fund. I didn't

push guilt on my brother either. Either he was

at a place where he could help, or he wasn't.

Again, I feel that guilt is a choice. I do understand

though. I think it is completely normal to feel

guilty. But really, there is no need to. Love your

dad, be there for your dad 'til the end, and do

all you know how with the skills you have. The

rest will get done...without the guilt.

Take care of yourself, too!

Sandie

Des Moines, IA

dad, Merle, passed from LBD 9-20-02, age 65

-- Guilt again

I've been trying not to feel guilty today but I'm starting to lose the

fight. It's only been a week since we moved Dad to his new AL

apartment. I bowl every other Friday so last night was bowling night

and I couldn't go over there. There really wasn't any reason I

couldn't go over tonight but since my sister was going I found an

excuse not to go. When I talked to her it sounds like he was having

one of his more off days. I know she didn't tell me to upset me, just

giving me the 411, but I feel now like I should have went over even

though I know that wouldn't change anything. I'm just feeling so

overwhelmed trying to get him settled, I need to get the house ready

to sell and trying to make some time for me, which of course, is

another source of guilt. Does the guilt ever get better?

Somebody help...please?!

Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

October 21, 2006

awww, thank you for such kind words.

Sandie

-- Re: Guilt again

Beautiful, Sandie! We should all keep your letter when the guilt trip

starts.

I don't have the guilt now, but I sure have in the past. Age seems to have

helped

me realize I can only take care of, or do so much, and not to beat myself

over the rest like I used to.

I really like your outlook, Sandie.

Imogene

In a message dated 10/21/2006 11:36:56 PM Central Daylight Time,

sanclown@... writes:

My opinion is that guilt is a choice. Either we chose

to feel guilty or we chose to not feel guilty. One

dear member wrote years ago that " we are only

responsible for the effort, not the result. " This

helped me get through the effects of my dad having

taken Ativan for several months. I didn't know any

better. I thought it was ok for him. As soon as I

learned differently, I had it stopped. My dad had

to go to a nursing home. It wasn't something I

had planned for him, wasn't something I wanted,

but for safety reasons and for the care he needed,

he had to move. When dad moved his apartment

had to be cleaned out. I did the cleaning and packing. My brother's only

job was to advertise

the items that we were going to sell to have the

money put in an Irrevocable Burial Fund. I didn't

push guilt on my brother either. Either he was

at a place where he could help, or he wasn't.

Again, I feel that guilt is a choice. I do understand

though. I think it is completely normal to feel

guilty. But really, there is no need to. Love your

dad, be there for your dad 'til the end, and do

all you know how with the skills you have. The

rest will get done...without the guilt.

Take care of yourself, too!

Sandie

Des Moines, IA

dad, Merle, passed from LBD 9-20-02, age 65

October 21, 2006

Sandie

I just cut and pasted your answer on guilt and have it hanging at my

computer...it couldn't have been said any better...thanks for the

words we need to hear. I have dealt with my share of guilt, but it

doesn't last long because I know I do the best I can. I also know

that without me my Mom would not even have survived the last six+

years, so what do I have to be guilty about?? We need to take more

credit for everything we do do and not beat ourselves up for things

we have no control over...especially the damn LBD...

Thanks again...

Carol Incognito

>

> Beautiful, Sandie! We should all keep your letter when the guilt

trip starts.

> I don't have the guilt now, but I sure have in the past. Age seems

to have

> helped

> me realize I can only take care of, or do so much, and not to beat

myself

> over the rest like I used to.

>

> I really like your outlook, Sandie.

> Imogene

>

> In a message dated 10/21/2006 11:36:56 PM Central Daylight Time,

> sanclown@... writes:

>

> My opinion is that guilt is a choice. Either we chose

> to feel guilty or we chose to not feel guilty. One

> dear member wrote years ago that " we are only

> responsible for the effort, not the result. " This

> helped me get through the effects of my dad having

> taken Ativan for several months. I didn't know any

> better. I thought it was ok for him. As soon as I

> learned differently, I had it stopped. My dad had

> to go to a nursing home. It wasn't something I

> had planned for him, wasn't something I wanted,

> but for safety reasons and for the care he needed,

> he had to move. When dad moved his apartment

> had to be cleaned out. I did the cleaning and packing. My

brother's only

> job was to advertise

> the items that we were going to sell to have the

> money put in an Irrevocable Burial Fund. I didn't

> push guilt on my brother either. Either he was

> at a place where he could help, or he wasn't.

> Again, I feel that guilt is a choice. I do understand

> though. I think it is completely normal to feel

> guilty. But really, there is no need to. Love your

> dad, be there for your dad 'til the end, and do

> all you know how with the skills you have. The

> rest will get done...without the guilt.

>

> Take care of yourself, too!

>

> Sandie

> Des Moines, IA

> dad, Merle, passed from LBD 9-20-02, age 65

>

October 22, 2006

Been there, done that... Time & time again... It's an awful feeling and

I keep having to remind myself that it's FALSE GUILT... I also keep

rereading this passage b/c it's the truth and it makes sense:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/message/51209?l=1

Also go into the Links section:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/links

And go into the folder marked " Caregiver Support "

And read from the link entitled: " I Promised Her I'd Never Put Her in a

Nursing Home "

(I know your dad isn't in a nursing home -- but it's similar feelings

even when our loved one is in an ALF)

Hope it helps... And please know you're an AWESOME DAUGHTER!

October 22, 2006

I am afraid guilt is just something that is part of CG diagnosis. I keep saying

to myself when Jerry is at day care just for me, " It is o.k. to sit and have a

cup of coffee....it is o.k to shop a little " ...but I still feel the guilt.

Guilt can be a good equalizer, but we must make sure it does not rule our lives,

but temper them. I know there are people who don't take care of their LO's, but

don't think they are on this list.

Myrna (68) in Missouri

Caregiver for Husband Jerry (71)

Diagnosed AD 1997, LBD 2004

October 22, 2006

Thank you so much ,

The first passage you (or someone) sent before and it is very

helpful. I can usually hold together during this but it's late at

night when I'm alone that sometimes I start questioning. Also, when

I feel so overloaded with what still needs to be done. I know it is

all for his safty (and my sanity). I don't worry so much during the

day when I am at work because I know he is where he can get help if

needed. It's just when I take precious time for myself I feel

selfish even though I recognize I have been pretty selfless for the

last several years. I know too that if he was in his right mind he

would recognize that I need my own life.

Hugs,

Leah

P.S. How are you holding up?

>

> Been there, done that... Time & time again... It's an awful

feeling and

> I keep having to remind myself that it's FALSE GUILT... I also

keep

> rereading this passage b/c it's the truth and it makes sense:

>

> http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/message/51209?

l=1

>

> Also go into the Links section:

> http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/links

>

> And go into the folder marked " Caregiver Support "

>

> And read from the link entitled: " I Promised Her I'd Never Put Her

in a

> Nursing Home "

>

> (I know your dad isn't in a nursing home -- but it's similar

feelings

> even when our loved one is in an ALF)

>

> Hope it helps... And please know you're an AWESOME DAUGHTER!

>

October 22, 2006

Hi Leah,

I wish I could reach out to you and give you a great big hug. You

deserve to be happy and to deserve not to feel guilty. Your Dad is

safe and that is the most important thing. You can't change anything

for him or perform any miracles by sitting with him 24/7. YOu will

only make yourself sick and unhappy. If your Dad were not sick he

would never want for you to do this, I'm sure. One of the most

important things for me is to see my one and only daughter happy. I

would never want to be a burden to her.

Try not to feel guilty. Do the best you can to visit with Dad and make

sure things are done right by him. He will probably end up liking it

there. Sometimes things are harder on us as Caregivers than they are

on the LO's...Please try to stop being so hard on yourself Leah...

Carol Incog

October 22, 2006

Hi Leah,

I think that we will feel guilty at all stages of this damned disease even if we

do everything perfectly (which we will never be able to do) if for no other

reason than we are still healthy and independent and our LO's no longer are.

I wanted to ask you if this ALF facility has a section for those who require

more care? I'm under the understanding that ALF will not despense meds, ensure

that people are going to meals, etc? In time your dad will require more care

and supervision....just thinking out loud here.

Best,

Courage

October 22, 2006

Hi Leah -- I'm out of town, but brought my Dad to

visit a friend who lives across town from where my

kids are -- it was a hard decision to bring Dad along

on MY trip -- but I finally decided to do it for him.

We were supposed to go over & see him tonight (day 5

of our visit) but we all were down w/ a flu bug

yesterday, and I decided 2 things today -- 1. we

didn't HAVE to go if we weren't feeling up to it; and

2. we didn't HAVE to go, even if we got feeling

better. I admit to the guilt feeling creeping in as

the afternoon wore on and we were all feeling better

-- but I had to remind myself that focusing on my time

w/ the grandbabies was probably more important in the

long run than seeing him today. We'll be home & back

in the routine of me spending LOTS of time at his

house. So, I'll just echo what others are telling you

-- let go of the false guilt, and take care of

yourself! Susie

Susie1 - thankful for each good day w/ 80 yr old Dad (dx probable LBD June 06;

dx PD Aug 05; still lives alone)

__________________________________________________

October 23, 2006

Hello Courage,

This particular facility is rather unique in a lot of ways. He will

have to eventually be moved again but for now this is the perfect

solution. He has his own apartment (no kitchen). There is a couple

that is the managers and another couple that are the co-managers.

Both live on site and are wonderful with elderly people. They do

not dispense meds or any of that but there is a home health care

company that has an office there. For a nominal fee you can

contract with them to do med reminders, bathing assistance, etc.

All the residents kind of watch out for each other too and the

managers get to know your routine. If you don't show up for

breakfast they probably wouldn't do anything but if you don't show

for lunch they would probably check on you. You don't have to let

them know you are going but if you do they are more attentive to

when you are missing. There is an activities director that tries to

get everyone involved in the activities. Dad hasn't joined in yet

but I'm going to have to give him a gentle nudge soon if he doesn't

do it on his own.

I guess that is the hardest part is trying to live my life

independently when I'm not quite so used to it.

Hugs,

Leah

>

> Hi Leah,

>

> I think that we will feel guilty at all stages of this damned

disease even if we do everything perfectly (which we will never be

able to do) if for no other reason than we are still healthy and

independent and our LO's no longer are.

>

> I wanted to ask you if this ALF facility has a section for those

who require more care? I'm under the understanding that ALF will

not despense meds, ensure that people are going to meals, etc? In

time your dad will require more care and supervision....just

thinking out loud here.

> Best,

> Courage

>

October 24, 2006

leah,

first of all, i am an avid bowler i am a secretray of a league and i did this

too when daddy was alive. it was my night out, he knew it from the beginning

and even when he needed somehere 24/7 we hired someone to stay with him. so go

out on your friday nite, bowling is great exercise, second only to swimming and

great commraderie too. and there is no reason to feel guilty your father is

being took care of, i agree with jan and jan and i are very close best friends

on this group, and worrying is something is not being done like it should,, that

is ok that is our feminine nature worry, guilt, self matyring .

so instead enjoy YOUR time, and take care of YOUR health and body, and mental

health and yet you still know that your dad is well cared for you when you arent

there dn instead concentrate on the good things you can do with him now, insted

of being the meani e that makes him eat, clean, shower, whatever, just enjoy the

company and time let the others do the work you do the other stuff, hugs, s/.

---- jonaslaj wrote: