Re: dealing with anger

[Guest guest]

I find anger hard too. It happens very fast and what I notice also is

shame over being angry and a lot of fighting against feeling angry which

feeds the anger. And when I feel something is unfair it makes it very

hard especially if I start trying to figure out if it is really unfair

or it is just me. Either way I seem to lose.

One thing I have started to practice with is noticing an angry thought

when it first happens and not doing anything except noticing it without

saying if it is good or bad. " Oh that's anger. " If shame over being

angry shows up I note " Oh there's shame. " Not saying the if the shame is

good or bad. Or even if I have a thought it is good or bad just noticing

then " Oh I have the thought the anger is bad. "

Also I work on being assertive as you say. The fair unfair thing can get

in the way with this though. So for now I am just working on the noting

of what is going on without trying to decide the fair or unfair part. At

least for me it is a start.

>

> Hi,

>

> I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know

how to deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

>

> I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal

with anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing,

accepting and expanding. This seems to work quite well.

>

> But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be

able to defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry

because I feel I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all

over me and I keep saying 'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their

point of view and try to work around it but I just end up getting so

angry. I usually end up blowing up or of course I eat and eat to keep

the feeling down. I have tried approaching people rationally and

assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to 'hear'

me when I'm really angry.

>

> How do you deal with angry feelings?

>

[Guest guest]

You problably know about it but there is an ACT book written for anger problems.

It looks good.

http://www.amazon.com/Act-Life-Not-Anger-Acceptance/dp/1572244402

Kavy

>

> Hi,

>

> I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to

deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

>

> I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with

anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and

expanding. This seems to work quite well.

>

> But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to

defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel

I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying

'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work

around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of

course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people

rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to

'hear' me when I'm really angry.

>

> How do you deal with angry feelings?

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kavy, I didn't know about the book and have ordered it!

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to

deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

> >

> > I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with

anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and

expanding. This seems to work quite well.

> >

> > But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to

defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel

I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying

'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work

around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of

course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people

rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to

'hear' me when I'm really angry.

> >

> > How do you deal with angry feelings?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can see how a judgement of fair or unfair can hinder acceptance and even

more moving in a valued direction as one is stuck blaming....

makes sense, thank you

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know

> how to deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

> >

> > I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal

> with anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing,

> accepting and expanding. This seems to work quite well.

> >

> > But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be

> able to defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry

> because I feel I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all

> over me and I keep saying 'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their

> point of view and try to work around it but I just end up getting so

> angry. I usually end up blowing up or of course I eat and eat to keep

> the feeling down. I have tried approaching people rationally and

> assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to 'hear'

> me when I'm really angry.

> >

> > How do you deal with angry feelings?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Birgit,

Anger is different from anxiety and depression, as you have seen.

If you get angry and you tell yourself " Thank you, mind " , or " That's just a

thought " , or whatever, you will only get more angry. Your defusive intervention

will have come at the expense of your point view.

Rather than trying to tell the anger something, i.e., " This is just my mind " ,

take a step back and listen in earnest to what the anger is trying to tell you.

What just happened to you? What do you need to do in response?

If someone is pushing you, you need to push back. The anger exists precisely to

get you to do that. So do it. Push back. Assert yourself. Use the anger as

fuel to address and resolve the situation.

Now, after taking a step back, you may come to realize that you're just

irritated, in a bad mood, and that the situation does not warrant your current

level of anger. If you come to that realization, you may get more angry,

because there is now a threatening implication that you--your feelings--are the

problem. Don't buy into that implication. If some stream of thought comes up

saying that you or your feelings are the problem, let that stream go. Defuse

from it. Feelings are states that arise in the mind, tehy are not problems,

they are not bad or good. Let them be whatever they decide to be, without

judgment and internalization, and just move yourself in the direction that you

find appropriate, given your intuitions.

<<<I have tried approaching people rationally and assertively but it doesn't

seem to work. Most people only seem to 'hear' me when I'm really angry.>>>

Then get angry.

Studies show that people who display their anger are far more effective at

securing a just outcome for themselves than those who externally suppress their

anger and play nice.

Why do you want to avoid getting angry? If the the reason is that you do not

like the feeling itself, then you have found the problem. You are running away

from feelings, rather than listening mindfully to them and using them to guide

you as you confront the situation.

>

> Hi,

>

> I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to

deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

>

> I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with

anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and

expanding. This seems to work quite well.

>

> But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to

defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel

I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying

'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work

around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of

course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people

rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to

'hear' me when I'm really angry.

>

> How do you deal with angry feelings?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you for your reply. I think that somehow I believe that 1. people

shouldn't make me angry, and 2. I shouldn't react with anger.

I will have to think about it a bit more because I'm not sure why it bothers me

so much when I feel angry. It seems like a big, bad and scary feeling. I feel

that people are going to reject me or dislike me if I show anger. It has

actually never happened that anyone avoided me because I got angry with them.

Feeling angry also has a lot to do with being powerless and out of control.

I feel as if I am not allowed to get angry, it's an ugly feeling and I should

not get angry but deal with the situation in a calm manner (which I do for the

first 10 times...)

Not sure whether it's comparable but jealousy is also an ugly and very strong

feeling, in my opinion. I never used to allow myself to feel jealous, because I

shouldn't, how embarassing to feel jealous.

Anyway, I learned to notice the feeling and ask myself whether I should or

should not react to the situation. I can feel jealous but act rationally at the

same time, or not act on it at all.

It felt freeing to allow myself to feel jealous regardless to what my mind had

to say at the time.

Maybe I can treat anger in a similar way, by acknowledging it and allowing the

feeling but acting and behaving in accordance with my values, which might

include that I will show my anger.

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to

deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

> >

> > I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with

anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and

expanding. This seems to work quite well.

> >

> > But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to

defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel

I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying

'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work

around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of

course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people

rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to

'hear' me when I'm really angry.

> >

> > How do you deal with angry feelings?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, I am not able to understand why anger is different from other feelings, i.e Why is anger different from any other feeling say Jealousy, insecurity?.. Even in anger we need to diffuse first, so that we are not carried away. Then we take action as per what the situation demands. The same for other things like jealousy. We need to get out of the running train, distance ourselves and then act per our values. Isn't it?Sincerely,SudarsanSubject: Re: dealing with angerTo:

ACT_for_the_Public Date: Thursday, May 7, 2009, 9:08 PM

Hi Birgit,

Anger is different from anxiety and depression, as you have seen.

If you get angry and you tell yourself "Thank you, mind", or "That's just a thought", or whatever, you will only get more angry. Your defusive intervention will have come at the expense of your point view.

Rather than trying to tell the anger something, i.e., "This is just my mind", take a step back and listen in earnest to what the anger is trying to tell you. What just happened to you? What do you need to do in response?

If someone is pushing you, you need to push back. The anger exists precisely to get you to do that. So do it. Push back. Assert yourself. Use the anger as fuel to address and resolve the situation.

Now, after taking a step back, you may come to realize that you're just irritated, in a bad mood, and that the situation does not warrant your current level of anger. If you come to that realization, you may get more angry, because there is now a threatening implication that you--your feelings--are the problem. Don't buy into that implication. If some stream of thought comes up saying that you or your feelings are the problem, let that stream go. Defuse from it. Feelings are states that arise in the mind, tehy are not problems, they are not bad or good. Let them be whatever they decide to be, without judgment and internalization, and just move yourself in the direction that you find appropriate, given your intuitions.

<<<I have tried approaching people rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to 'hear' me when I'm really angry.>>>

Then get angry.

Studies show that people who display their anger are far more effective at securing a just outcome for themselves than those who externally suppress their anger and play nice.

Why do you want to avoid getting angry? If the the reason is that you do not like the feeling itself, then you have found the problem. You are running away from feelings, rather than listening mindfully to them and using them to guide you as you confront the situation.

>

> Hi,

>

> I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

>

> I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and expanding. This seems to work quite well.

>

> But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying 'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to 'hear' me when I'm really angry.

>

> How do you deal with angry feelings?

>

[Guest guest]

Sudarsan,

I'm just speaking based on my own experience, but when you are angry, you have a

gripe. Something is wrong. Before you let go of the feeling or try to

dissipate it, you need to adress the " something is wrong " part. The anger is

there to help you address it. It is a motivator to get you to speak up on your

own behalf.

Now, this process can become maladaptive, particularly when there is nothing

more that can be done and when we dwell on things past the point of there being

value in that. So, yes, it can easily go too far and become a problem in its

own right.

We have to use our experience and our intuition to determine when our anger is

helping us, and when it has become counterproductive. When it reaches the point

of counterproductivity, and its time to let go, we still have to be gentle with

the anger, not try to say too much to it, because it is the kind of emotion that

doesn't like to be minimized or disrespected.

Let me give an example. Suppose that some tragedy happens to you, and you react

with a lot of anger at life. " Why me and not someone else? " If you tell

yourself " That's just my mind " or " Thanks mind, now can we stop complaining? " ,

that's unlikely to help things much. There's a perspective in your anger that

needs to be acknowledged and respected. If you disrespect that perspective,

you're just going to feed the flame.

The approach that works best for me is to reach a point where I wholeheartedly

acknowledge the perspective behind the anger, and then just start moving,

without peppering or tempting it with commentary. The anger is there, so I just

let it be there, after all, it has a right to be there, it has a legitimate

point behind it. The reason I need to let go of it is not because it is wrong

or because I am wrong for feeling it, but simply because nothing further can be

gained from focusing on it. Some things are a waste of time, even though they

are right.

Best wishes,

--

>

> >

>

> > Hi,

>

> >

>

> > I think I've got a bit of an anger problem and because I don't know how to

deal with it I don't do anything about it until I blow up....

>

> >

>

> > I have no idea how to deal with this the ACT way. I find I can deal with

anxiety and depression by recognising the thoughts, defusing, accepting and

expanding. This seems to work quite well.

>

> >

>

> > But when I'm angry, and I have been a lot lately, I don't seem to be able to

defuse or sit with the feeling or anything. I usually get angry because I feel

I'm being dealt with unfairly. People seem to walk all over me and I keep saying

'ok' 'sure' 'no problem'. I try to see their point of view and try to work

around it but I just end up getting so angry. I usually end up blowing up or of

course I eat and eat to keep the feeling down. I have tried approaching people

rationally and assertively but it doesn't seem to work. Most people only seem to

'hear' me when I'm really angry.

>

> >

>

> > How do you deal with angry feelings?

>

> >

>