An Apology

[Guest guest]

OK, confession time.

I discovered a substance called phenibut a few months back. It puts

the neurotransmitter GABA into the brain and is very relaxing, or so

I thought. Experienced mediators have high levels of GABA which is

one of the reasons they are so relaxed.

It helps me to sleep and I often take it at the weekend, but it can

have a nasty side, a rebound, which makes you speed up. Last week I

was off work so I ended up taking it nearly everyday but only at the

smaller recommended dosages, but it built up in the system and I got

quite knocked out by it -it sort of made me manic. My girlfriend came

around and saw I was completely out of it and we threw the stuff away

down the toilet.

All week I have been embarrassed at some of the dross I put out on

the list and I sort of went through blood curdling pain and complete

rejection of myself. On a good note, I went into deep mindfulness

which brought about defusion which was the only way I could cope with

the terrible thoughts and feelings that were arising in me. This was

very similar to the pain I experienced when I first took LSD all

those years ago. I wanted to die rather than be me, but I went with

the waves without resisting.

The mindfulness was interesting and I learnt a lot from it. I'm very

tense and mindfulness is not easy, but I really worked at it and

every now and again I got to experience stillness around me. The

peace with just the rustle of a few leaves in the wind was delicious.

I saw that the debate - is it genes or environment? -was unimportant,

that's thinking stuff, and that it is the now that is important,

which is being. I was with this pretty girl feeling peculiar because

of my state of mind, but I just let those thoughts go by. My

girlfriend likes me, so do my friends, and at dancing I seem to be

liked. If someone thinks I'm strange, then it is feeling strange that

has made me strange. But who cares.

Perhaps I do have a personality disorder, but these are just thoughts

and mindfulness made that thought have less affect. I still spoke to

work colleagues and behaved like normal all week. So I can see how

ACT works now. If I with a load of guys feeling weird, what does it

matter if I can still enjoy a game of football with them and have

some fun. Before ACT I would have wanted to run away and ruminate on

what was wrong and keep away until I'm better.

I looked up personality disorder on the net and I didn't fit any of

the descriptions. One hell of a week then, I hope I am still accepted

on the site.

Peace,

Kavy