Help me please.

[Guest guest]

Hi,

It is 4 in the morning and I have been dealing with a problem. I

could use any help that anyone can give me. I have a daughter who is

very headstrong. She and my son are the only family I have left. As I

said earlier, I missed out on so much in the 5 years because of all

this stuff that my therapist dragged me into. Before that I did

things with my kids I was able to shop with my daughter. So, I

finally left my therapist after I realized I was getting worse and

worse. Well, I have been dealing with alot of guilt and when I try

to move on I feel the guilt and it adds to my inability to move on

with all my feelings.

Now suddenly my daughter who I love dearly has cut me off. She got

married 6 months ago. She told me I can only call her once a week and

won't answer the phone or call me back. She treats me like a stalker.

I know in my heart this is about her not me. The more she cuts me off

the more I want to call her. I don't know why she is doing this but

it is very painful. I didn't do anything and we didn't get in any

fights. She acts like this sometimes but it never lasts this long.

She has no guilt at all over this. That is how she is. I try not to

cry when I talk to her and of course I do. The last time I finally

was able to talk to her, I cried and she said that I was faking it.

And of course, it is making my guilt worse. All I can think of is

if this had not happened 5 years ago my daughter would love me. I

blame me. Now, intellectually I know this isn't true. I didn't

cause this. But maybe in my daughters head this is why she is mad at

me. This is about her. When people do this to me I immediately try to

change me, thinking then they will love me. In my head I try to think

she won't do this forever, but the guilt just makes it even harder for

me to " take my anxieties with me " . Everytime I try to get out and

about I feel pressure that if I can't do this then my daughter won't

love me. The mornings are the hardest for me. She is the first

thing I think of when I wake up. Part of me is mad at her too.

So, if anyone can help me with applying ACT to this situation I would

be so grateful. It just figures that I would have to deal with this

now when I was already having a hard time with the time I have lost

with my kids. Why ask why?

Robyn

Thank you.

[Guest guest]

Robyn,

My advice would be for you to let her have her way. Be there for her

when she needs you, and when she demands that you give her space,

give her space.

You have to understand that she is a human being with flaws. She's

not necessarily going to be able to understand or appreciate your

situation. How could she? She's never been through it.

Unfortunately, you can't control how she feels or responds to you.

All you can do is fulfill your part of the equation and let the rest

unfold on its own.

The natural inclination, of course, is to try to 'fix' the

relationship. But trying to 'fix' things against her won't 'fix'

anything--it will make the situation worse.

So, the next time you talk to her, tell her how you feel, that you

understand and sympathize with the fact that she wants space, and

that you are going to give it to her. Remind her that you will

always be there for her.

Then let go of the struggle and let things take their natural

course. You've done your part. Release.

The pain, of course, is a bit trickier. How could an experience like

this not be painful? The fact that the situation hurts is a

necessary consequence of the fact that you care about your daughter.

So don't get the idea that you're somehow failing with the therapy.

Life after ACT is still painful--sometimes very painful.

As for the feelings of guilt, remember that anyone in your identical

shoes would have lived the exact same life that you have lived. Like

the rest of us, you are a consequence of your circumstances. If I

had been born as you, my life would have unfolded in the same way

that yours did. If you had been born as me, your life would have

unfolded in the same way that mine did. I would feel guilty for what

you feel guilty for, and you would feel guilty for what I feel guilty

for. The reality, of course, is that none of us is guilty of

anything.

So what's the need for all the judgment and blame? Your problems

aren't 'your' problems in any special sense. They are what you

inherited in life. The challenge is to make the most of them going

forward, taking in the lessons of your experience without getting

caught up in all the heavy, guilty, blamy, self-hating stuff that the

mind piles on top of the situation.

Of course, the mind will never accept this. So don't expect it to.

The thoughts and feelings will continue. But if you can find a way

to step back from them and remember that they are just a consequence

of how minds tend to function, that they are just thoughts and

feelings, not priviliged statements about anything, then they will

become lighter, and it will become easier to let go of them and move

forward.

As a final note, the fact that you care enough about your daughter to

humbly ask others for advice on how to rebuild the relationship says

a lot about your character. So remember to go easy on yourself,

especially when your mind starts throwing jabs at you.

Best wishes,

--

>

> Hi,

>

> It is 4 in the morning and I have been dealing with a problem. I

> could use any help that anyone can give me. I have a daughter who

is

> very headstrong. She and my son are the only family I have left.

As I

> said earlier, I missed out on so much in the 5 years because of all

> this stuff that my therapist dragged me into. Before that I did

> things with my kids I was able to shop with my daughter. So, I

> finally left my therapist after I realized I was getting worse and

> worse. Well, I have been dealing with alot of guilt and when I try

> to move on I feel the guilt and it adds to my inability to move on

> with all my feelings.

>

> Now suddenly my daughter who I love dearly has cut me off. She got

> married 6 months ago. She told me I can only call her once a week

and

> won't answer the phone or call me back. She treats me like a

stalker.

> I know in my heart this is about her not me. The more she cuts me

off

> the more I want to call her. I don't know why she is doing this but

> it is very painful. I didn't do anything and we didn't get in any

> fights. She acts like this sometimes but it never lasts this long.

> She has no guilt at all over this. That is how she is. I try not to

> cry when I talk to her and of course I do. The last time I finally

> was able to talk to her, I cried and she said that I was faking

it.

> And of course, it is making my guilt worse. All I can think of is

> if this had not happened 5 years ago my daughter would love me. I

> blame me. Now, intellectually I know this isn't true. I didn't

> cause this. But maybe in my daughters head this is why she is mad

at

> me. This is about her. When people do this to me I immediately try

to

> change me, thinking then they will love me. In my head I try to

think

> she won't do this forever, but the guilt just makes it even harder

for

> me to " take my anxieties with me " . Everytime I try to get out and

> about I feel pressure that if I can't do this then my daughter won't

> love me. The mornings are the hardest for me. She is the first

> thing I think of when I wake up. Part of me is mad at her too.

>

> So, if anyone can help me with applying ACT to this situation I

would

> be so grateful. It just figures that I would have to deal with this

> now when I was already having a hard time with the time I have lost

> with my kids. Why ask why?

>

> Robyn

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Robyn,

I'm so pleased that answered your post. I was at my PC playing

keyboards when your email arrived and I really wanted to help but I

thought I best wait to see if someone more experienced answers your

concerns. I could have quoted from one of my ACT books but I felt I

might get it wrong and that you have the books anyway. I'm sure many

of us wanted to help but made the same decision as me.

's answer that you should give your daughter space and respect

her choice is the best way to improve the relationship. I hated my

mum when I was in my 20's but I eventually saw that she loved me and

that she was hurting. She was always buying me things, like tools for

work that she found cheap, or things for the garden, etc. I realised

that when she went about her day she was always thinking of me, and

one day something snapped in my mind and I started crying. I've been

making it up to her ever since.

You say your daughter doesn't care but she is probably numb because

she finds it painful too. You care so much for her so I'm sure she,

like me, she will eventually realise that she has made a mistake, but

it might take a few years. This might not be very ACT, but try to go

about your life with the hope it can change and prepare your world

for it. Make the most of your days and your life and you will be

strong and ready for her when she returns. Gets a rich social life to

help see you through and work on yourself using ACT. You will become

happier and in a much better position to be there for your daughter

when she needs you or wants you back in her life.

Kavy

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > It is 4 in the morning and I have been dealing with a problem. I

> > could use any help that anyone can give me. I have a daughter

who

> is

> > very headstrong. She and my son are the only family I have left.

> As I

> > said earlier, I missed out on so much in the 5 years because of

all

> > this stuff that my therapist dragged me into. Before that I did

> > things with my kids I was able to shop with my daughter. So, I

> > finally left my therapist after I realized I was getting worse and

> > worse. Well, I have been dealing with alot of guilt and when I

try

> > to move on I feel the guilt and it adds to my inability to move on

> > with all my feelings.

> >

> > Now suddenly my daughter who I love dearly has cut me off. She

got

> > married 6 months ago. She told me I can only call her once a

week

> and

> > won't answer the phone or call me back. She treats me like a

> stalker.

> > I know in my heart this is about her not me. The more she cuts

me

> off

> > the more I want to call her. I don't know why she is doing this

but

> > it is very painful. I didn't do anything and we didn't get in any

> > fights. She acts like this sometimes but it never lasts this

long.

> > She has no guilt at all over this. That is how she is. I try not

to

> > cry when I talk to her and of course I do. The last time I

finally

> > was able to talk to her, I cried and she said that I was faking

> it.

> > And of course, it is making my guilt worse. All I can think of

is

> > if this had not happened 5 years ago my daughter would love me. I

> > blame me. Now, intellectually I know this isn't true. I didn't

> > cause this. But maybe in my daughters head this is why she is

mad

> at

> > me. This is about her. When people do this to me I immediately

try

> to

> > change me, thinking then they will love me. In my head I try to

> think

> > she won't do this forever, but the guilt just makes it even

harder

> for

> > me to " take my anxieties with me " . Everytime I try to get out and

> > about I feel pressure that if I can't do this then my daughter

won't

> > love me. The mornings are the hardest for me. She is the first

> > thing I think of when I wake up. Part of me is mad at her too.

> >

> > So, if anyone can help me with applying ACT to this situation I

> would

> > be so grateful. It just figures that I would have to deal with

this

> > now when I was already having a hard time with the time I have

lost

> > with my kids. Why ask why?

> >

> > Robyn

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Kavy and .

Your posts help me alot. My problem is this comes in waves especially in the

morning. This is what I was dealing with the other morning when i wrote that

post. You both helped me so much. I sure hope my daughter doesn't go through

this for her whole twenties disliking me. I just have to make it through the

waves. This has been helping me learn to get through this feeling stuff and

just letting them be. And now I have your posts to read when i have a wave. I

am trying to learn to stop blaming myself. Blame is what my abusers did that is

not me. So I am learning through this. Do you ever think though, I am a

little tired of learning and would like to have a break? I guess that is not

for me to decide.

I also know that I am catastrophizing this too.

Thanks again.

It is so nice to have support here.

Robyn

-------------- Original message ----------------------

> Hi Robyn,

>

> I'm so pleased that answered your post. I was at my PC playing

> keyboards when your email arrived and I really wanted to help but I

> thought I best wait to see if someone more experienced answers your

> concerns. I could have quoted from one of my ACT books but I felt I

> might get it wrong and that you have the books anyway. I'm sure many

> of us wanted to help but made the same decision as me.

>

> 's answer that you should give your daughter space and respect

> her choice is the best way to improve the relationship. I hated my

> mum when I was in my 20's but I eventually saw that she loved me and

> that she was hurting. She was always buying me things, like tools for

> work that she found cheap, or things for the garden, etc. I realised

> that when she went about her day she was always thinking of me, and

> one day something snapped in my mind and I started crying. I've been

> making it up to her ever since.

>

> You say your daughter doesn't care but she is probably numb because

> she finds it painful too. You care so much for her so I'm sure she,

> like me, she will eventually realise that she has made a mistake, but

> it might take a few years. This might not be very ACT, but try to go

> about your life with the hope it can change and prepare your world

> for it. Make the most of your days and your life and you will be

> strong and ready for her when she returns. Gets a rich social life to

> help see you through and work on yourself using ACT. You will become

> happier and in a much better position to be there for your daughter

> when she needs you or wants you back in her life.

>

> Kavy

>

>

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > It is 4 in the morning and I have been dealing with a problem. I

> > could use any help that anyone can give me. I have a daughter

who

> is

> > very headstrong. She and my son are the only family I have left.

> As I

> > said earlier, I missed out on so much in the 5 years because of

all

> > this stuff that my therapist dragged me into. Before that I did

> > things with my kids I was able to shop with my daughter. So, I

> > finally left my therapist after I realized I was getting worse and

> > worse. Well, I have been dealing with alot of guilt and when I

try

> > to move on I feel the guilt and it adds to my inability to move on

> > with all my feelings.

> >

> > Now suddenly my daughter who I love dearly has cut me off. She

got

> > married 6 months ago. She told me I can only call her once a

week

> and

> > won't answer the phone or call me back. She treats me like a

> stalker.

> > I know in my heart this is about her not me. The more she cuts

me

> off

> > the more I want to call her. I don't know why she is doing this

but

> > it is very painful. I didn't do anything and we didn't get in any

> > fights. She acts like this sometimes but it never lasts this

long.

> > She has no guilt at all over this. That is how she is. I try not

to

> > cry when I talk to her and of course I do. The last time I

finally

> > was able to talk to her, I cried and she said that I was faking

> it.

> > And of course, it is making my guilt worse. All I can think of

is

> > if this had not happened 5 years ago my daughter would love me. I

> > blame me. Now, intellectually I know this isn't true. I didn't

> > cause this. But maybe in my daughters head this is why she is

mad

> at

> > me. This is about her. When people do this to me I immediately

try

> to

> > change me, thinking then they will love me. In my head I try to

> think

> > she won't do this forever, but the guilt just makes it even

harder

> for

> > me to " take my anxieties with me " . Everytime I try to get out and

> > about I feel pressure that if I can't do this then my daughter

won't

> > love me. The mornings are the hardest for me. She is the first

> > thing I think of when I wake up. Part of me is mad at her too.

> >

> > So, if anyone can help me with applying ACT to this situation I

> would

> > be so grateful. It just figures that I would have to deal with

this

> > now when I was already having a hard time with the time I have

lost

> > with my kids. Why ask why?

> >

> > Robyn

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Robyn,

One of the reasons I did not reply straight away is because I thought

I might get it wrong but it looks like I might have. Every situation

is different, so it may only be a matter of months before things

improve for you. All I know is from my experience you have to let go

to get, and there is no guarantee you will get. As Dorothy Rowe put

it in one of her books on depression, a rose is beautiful but if you

squeeze it to hard it will hurt you.

So remain hopeful.

Kavy

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > >

> > > > It is 4 in the morning and I have been dealing with a

problem. I

> > > > could use any help that anyone can give me. I have a

daughter

> > who

> > > is

> > > > very headstrong. She and my son are the only family I have

left.

> > > As I

> > > > said earlier, I missed out on so much in the 5 years because

of

> > all

> > > > this stuff that my therapist dragged me into. Before that I

did

> > > > things with my kids I was able to shop with my daughter.

So, I

> > > > finally left my therapist after I realized I was getting

worse and

> > > > worse. Well, I have been dealing with alot of guilt and

when I

> > try

> > > > to move on I feel the guilt and it adds to my inability to

move on

> > > > with all my feelings.

> > > >

> > > > Now suddenly my daughter who I love dearly has cut me off.

She

> > got

> > > > married 6 months ago. She told me I can only call her once a

> > week

> > > and

> > > > won't answer the phone or call me back. She treats me like a

> > > stalker.

> > > > I know in my heart this is about her not me. The more she

cuts

> > me

> > > off

> > > > the more I want to call her. I don't know why she is doing

this

> > but

> > > > it is very painful. I didn't do anything and we didn't get in

any

> > > > fights. She acts like this sometimes but it never lasts this

> > long.

> > > > She has no guilt at all over this. That is how she is. I try

not

> > to

> > > > cry when I talk to her and of course I do. The last time I

> > finally

> > > > was able to talk to her, I cried and she said that I was

faking

> > > it.

> > > > And of course, it is making my guilt worse. All I can

think of

> > is

> > > > if this had not happened 5 years ago my daughter would love

me. I

> > > > blame me. Now, intellectually I know this isn't true. I

didn't

> > > > cause this. But maybe in my daughters head this is why she

is

> > mad

> > > at

> > > > me. This is about her. When people do this to me I

immediately

> > try

> > > to

> > > > change me, thinking then they will love me. In my head I try

to

> > > think

> > > > she won't do this forever, but the guilt just makes it even

> > harder

> > > for

> > > > me to " take my anxieties with me " . Everytime I try to get

out and

> > > > about I feel pressure that if I can't do this then my

daughter

> > won't

> > > > love me. The mornings are the hardest for me. She is the

first

> > > > thing I think of when I wake up. Part of me is mad at her

too.

> > > >

> > > > So, if anyone can help me with applying ACT to this

situation I

> > > would

> > > > be so grateful. It just figures that I would have to deal

with

> > this

> > > > now when I was already having a hard time with the time I

have

> > lost

> > > > with my kids. Why ask why?

> > > >

> > > > Robyn

> > > >

> > > > Thank you.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>