Guest guest Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 Loneliness Over the years I have read many things that have depressed me but in the end I usually find a way around it and get something positive out of it. I once had a book on loneliness by DR Tony Lake. He was a psychiatrist who considered himself an expert on the subject and he said there were three stages of loneliness. Now we all need healthy relationships to feel good about ourselves; we may feel that we are independent, but without friends we all begin to dislike ourselves and become depressed, so say's Tony Lake. We constantly need to have mirrored back to us that we are OK and loveable; we need to have at least a few friends that affirm our worth and love being with us and we with them. In the first stage of loneliness we begin to seriously doubt our attractiveness and our self esteem falls, and although it feels horrible we usually get motivated to go out and meet people. We join clubs, or ring up old friends, and before long our crises is over. We meet new people and they get to like us and we them, and we start to feel good about ourselves again. The second stage is far more severe, we go into a crisis and start to seriously doubt whether we were ever nice or loveable. This stage needs the help of a professional if we are to recover. The third stage is the point of no return. It's the same as the second stage but it has become chronic – it has gone on for far too long time. The lonely person now feels entirely worthless and unlovable. He feels so unattractive that he can't get back into contact with other people and other people find nothing of value in them, and so they don't bother trying to get to know them. No one wants to hang around with such a boring and uninteresting person. Now we all need life experiences to have interesting things to say to someone else. We go out with friends and things happen and then we have great stories to tell. I was out one night and a bit drunk and I told some soccer hooligans to shut up. This yob went to hit me and I went flying back through the air into a load of dustbins. I had never known anything like it, I just took off and I seemed to be up in the air for ages before I landed. Fortunately nothing more happened, I wasn't beaten up. The next morning I said to all my friends, crikey, that bloke didn't half hit me, and then my girlfriend then pipes up and says, `He didn't hit you, I shoved you as hard as I could'. She saved me from a good hiding and it was a great story at the time. Anyway, I diverse, but the more life experiences we have the more we have to talk about and so it becomes easier to meet new people. Now this third stage really bothered me but the book is old and nowadays we have highly advanced CBT and now ACT. And if you are really stuck, you could also try a modern antidepressant, or even better, Rhodiloa Rosea, so we are all saveable. So why does this help me? Well, when I think of how I am now and where I would like to be, it seemed such a huge mountain to climb. But you don't have to do this singlehandedly, because as you make friends you begin to heal, and everything starts to fall into place. I could remember being out one night with friends and something amazing happened. I was able to open up to them and them to me and it was beautiful and I felt lovely. I also fell in love with them, and when I walked home I was a foot in the air, but when I saw them again I was mute and awkward as usual. I was so disappointed. It's a shame that there weren't such fantastic self help books around then and new therapies as there are now. I also have another book called, The Empty Heart, by Alan Downs PHD, an expert on chronic depression – dysthymia. He suffered from the condition himself because he was a homosexual and this was unacceptable with his family and community and so he ended up becoming very alone. He say's much the same thing as Dr Tony Lake: that we need others to feel alive and happy. Yes, we can enjoy TV, or a meal on our own, but most things are so much better when we do them with other people. When even seeing a beautiful sunset we will want someone else to be there with us to share the experience, and so it goes on. Most dysthimics have lots of friends but they don't relate to them properly because they feel unacceptable and bad. They are alone even though they are surrounded by people. It is not a genetic condition, but is caused by having parents that fail to give you the necessary love and security when you are a young child. So why do I say all this, well at the age of 17 I took loads of LSD for four months and I have been mute and silent ever since because I became so riddled with guilt and self hatred. LSD disconnected me from everyone. These books make a lot of sense and I can see what I need to do to recover, and how it all went wrong. It's a shame it has taken me years of such hard work to reach this point. Now I have lost the best part of my life. Kavy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2008 Report Share Posted August 3, 2008 Hi Robyn, I totally agree with you, there's always hope. I have gone into extreme depression many times but I just grab Burns' book, The New Mood Therapy, and after a few pages, I've recovered. I was once told there was no hope for me by a professional and I was devasted. But I got better because the guy was such a nerd with ridiculous manerisms and was not credible. I bought a book later where the psychologist said no one can live without hope, so why was I expected to learn to live with such hopelessness and despair, that I just had to accept it. I wrote my essay on lonliness because I thought it might help people who think their problems are intractable. It might well be that if we can make healthy relationships with others many of our problems with low self esteem will go. I have felt quite bad at times recently and I fear it is intrinsic, and then I remember Tony Lakes' book on loneliness and then I begin to think that perhaps I am not so messed up after all. That I have just become cut off from people, and there is a way out without massive amounts of self development, which can feel so overwhelming. I also have another book by Bob Murrey called Creating Optimism. In it he say's that all forms of chronic depression and anxiety have their roots in childhood trauma. The brain in such people would not have developed properly, or have made the right connections, because during early childhood touch, fondness, and love wasn't given at the right time. But modern research shows that these connections can be remade, and the brain repaired, once the adult once starts to develop healthy loving relationships. So this is all very positive. Of course forming healthy relationships is easier said than done, but we have ACT, modern CBT, and mindlefulness based CBT. All of which are powerful and can help us cross that bridge. If only these therapies were around when I first became depressed, my suffering would have been so much less because they are so optimistic. And they offer real methods to bring about change. Kavy. > > > > > > Loneliness > > > > > > > > > > > > Over the years I have read many things that have depressed me but in > the > > end I usually find a way around it and get something positive out of > it. > > > > > > > > I once had a book on loneliness by DR Tony Lake. He was a psychiatrist > > who considered himself an expert on the subject and he said there were > > three stages of loneliness. Now we all need healthy relationships to > > feel good about ourselves; we may feel that we are independent, but > > without friends we all begin to dislike ourselves and become > depressed, > > so say's Tony Lake. We constantly need to have mirrored back to us > that > > we are OK and loveable; we need to have at least a few friends that > > affirm our worth and love being with us and we with them. > > > > > > > > In the first stage of loneliness we begin to seriously doubt our > > attractiveness and our self esteem falls, and although it feels > horrible > > we usually get motivated to go out and meet people. We join clubs, or > > ring up old friends, and before long our crises is over. We meet new > > people and they get to like us and we them, and we start to feel good > > about ourselves again. > > > > > > > > The second stage is far more severe, we go into a crisis and start to > > seriously doubt whether we were ever nice or loveable. This stage > needs > > the help of a professional if we are to recover. > > > > > > > > The third stage is the point of no return. It's the same as the > > second stage but it has become chronic – it has gone on for far > too > > long time. The lonely person now feels entirely worthless and > unlovable. > > He feels so unattractive that he can't get back into contact with > > other people and other people find nothing of value in them, and so > they > > don't bother trying to get to know them. No one wants to hang around > > with such a boring and uninteresting person. Now we all need life > > experiences to have interesting things to say to someone else. We go > out > > with friends and things happen and then we have great stories to tell. > > > > > > > > I was out one night and a bit drunk and I told some soccer hooligans > to > > shut up. This yob went to hit me and I went flying back through the > air > > into a load of dustbins. I had never known anything like it, I just > took > > off and I seemed to be up in the air for ages before I landed. > > Fortunately nothing more happened, I wasn't beaten up. The next > > morning I said to all my friends, crikey, that bloke didn't half hit > > me, and then my girlfriend then pipes up and says, `He didn't > > hit you, I shoved you as hard as I could'. She saved me from a good > > hiding and it was a great story at the time. > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyway, I diverse, but the more life experiences we have the more we > > have to talk about and so it becomes easier to meet new people. Now > this > > third stage really bothered me but the book is old and nowadays we > have > > highly advanced CBT and now ACT. And if you are really stuck, you > could > > also try a modern antidepressant, or even better, Rhodiloa Rosea, so > we > > are all saveable. > > > > > > > > So why does this help me? Well, when I think of how I am now and where > I > > would like to be, it seemed such a huge mountain to climb. But you > > don't have to do this singlehandedly, because as you make friends > > you begin to heal, and everything starts to fall into place. > > > > > > > > I could remember being out one night with friends and something > amazing > > happened. I was able to open up to them and them to me and it was > > beautiful and I felt lovely. I also fell in love with them, and when I > > walked home I was a foot in the air, but when I saw them again I was > > mute and awkward as usual. I was so disappointed. It's a shame that > > there weren't such fantastic self help books around then and new > > therapies as there are now. > > > > > > > > I also have another book called, The Empty Heart, by Alan Downs PHD, > an > > expert on chronic depression – dysthymia. He suffered from the > > condition himself because he was a homosexual and this was > unacceptable > > with his family and community and so he ended up becoming very alone. > He > > say's much the same thing as Dr Tony Lake: that we need others to > > feel alive and happy. Yes, we can enjoy TV, or a meal on our own, but > > most things are so much better when we do them with other people. When > > even seeing a beautiful sunset we will want someone else to be there > > with us to share the experience, and so it goes on. Most dysthimics > have > > lots of friends but they don't relate to them properly because they > > feel unacceptable and bad. They are alone even though they are > > surrounded by people. It is not a genetic condition, but is caused by > > having parents that fail to give you the necessary love and security > > when you are a young child. > > > > > > > > So why do I say all this, well at the age of 17 I took loads of LSD > for > > four months and I have been mute and silent ever since because I > became > > so riddled with guilt and self hatred. LSD disconnected me from > > everyone. These books make a lot of sense and I can see what I need to > > do to recover, and how it all went wrong. It's a shame it has taken > > me years of such hard work to reach this point. Now I have lost the > best > > part of my life. > > > > > > > > Kavy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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