How Deep can Pain Get

[Guest guest]

How Deep can Pain Get.

My girlfriend decided to end our relationship this morning. I tried

to have sex with but I have PSSD, which is caused by antidepressants,

so I feel no passion. Tears were rolling down her eyes because she

loves me. She is 45 and what she wants more than anything in the

world is to have a baby. The doctors have told her eggs are no good

and that she won't conceive, but psychologically full sex probably

gives her hope.

As I got up I noticed for the first time a little shrine on her

windowsill for , a baby she had that almost made it. They had

to terminate the baby because it was so badly deformed and would not

have lived. She wanted this baby so much but she went into hospital

and they killed it and then took it out. She was not put to sleep and

was awake throughout. She then took photos of her dead baby. It

destroyed her and she has been on antidepressants ever since – that's

six years.

As I looked at her beautiful shrine, with candles and flowers, there

was a small photo of in heart shaped gold holder. was

badly deformed and I couldn't believe that she would put this photo

there - it was horrible. But it was the only baby she had that almost

made it, all the others were miscarriages early in pregnancy. She

goes to his grave three times a week to put flowers on it. If ever we

go out she often buys a present for him. The last one she bought was

at the seaside and was one of those little windmill things, a stick

with a plastic flower on the end that spins in the wind. It's now on

his grave.

When I saw the photo tears run down my cheeks, I knew that I have

never felt pain like hers. I was told by a psychiatrist once that I

would never get well, and that there was nothing wrong with me. I was

just born with a depressed personality and would be inadequate for

all of my life and never be able to cope. I spent the next three

months shooting up heroin but I survived and came of drugs and became

optimistic again. I knew my acute pain was nothing compared to her

profound deep suffering.

We went into her living room but she couldn't end with me, the tears

were running down her cheeks. I cuddled her but told her I was always

be there for her if she wanted me, I made a big effort to reassure

her as I knew she needed it. The truth is I never loved her and

preferred it to end although I will miss her. As the tears rolled

down her cheeks I did love her, but I never told her that if I go

without sex for three weeks I might be able to make love to her and

she might get pregnant. But do I want to be with her forever and can

I afford to raise a child with her: not with my mortgage. But if she

doesn't chase me for maintenance I would love to give her a child and

it would turn her life around. But she is on antidepressants which

means her child could be born with behavioural problems – the

increased serotonin messes their developing brains up. More problems.

is right; humans can experience unbearable suffering that

animals don't. For one thing, animals don't know what death is. And a

doctored cat, that hangs about our workplace that we feed, doesn't

care about the kittens it has never had.

I love the Wizard of Oz. I would give my girlfriend a baby and my

self the love for myself I never had + the ability to be really able

to play the guitar (oh, and course, my sex drive again). Helen,

complete and utter happiness; Tony and Bill, bliss and freedom from

anxiety. And , the spiritual meaning and happiness he craves (he

tells me he has this). And everyone else everything they need. I

still believe we can get it.

Kavy