RE: Question - difference between defusing words and emotions

[Guest guest]

Hi Mona

I’m

taking the (great) liberty of reprinting one of Steve ’ posts from

December last year, because I think it might fit with the situation you are

experiencing

One of the things I've noted over a lot of

years of watching this process:

when " acceptance " shifts from

tolerating difficult emotions to genuine

interest and willingness to let life teach

you, emotions (and memories etc)

now have a very different function.

Emotions are the echoes of our past into

the present. They are meaningful ... but what they

mean is often whispered -- while the urge

to resist them and the

dominance of the evaluations of them is a

shout that crowds out any chance of learning.

It helps to let the

evaluations simmer

down and be seen as for automatic mind

stuff. Then see if you can adopt a posture of

genuine openness and interest in the

emotions, without any hidden agenda that this has to lead to

any form. Watch them carefully and

dispassionately as they ebb and flow; where in your

body do they occur; what else comes to

mind; what are you pulled to do;

what do you see around you; how do your

emotions impact your relationships.

Then flip them over. Look for what

values lie beneath. What would you have to not

care about in order for this pain to be

absent.

Follow the pain back to those values, like

breadcrumbs back to a

fork in the road. See if you don't find

old memories and past yearnings / hurts

there.

There is a lot to learn. So much that it

is never finished.

Within that posture, even painful

emotions are

just so darn helpful that it would be

almost criminal to make them

go away artificially -- it would be like

" solving " the problem of the pain of seeing the poverty,

prejudice, and abuse in the world by

poking out your eyes and rupturing your

ear drums. This might " work " but

the cost to your own sense of caring would be so high

that the " cure " would be much

worse than the pain you started with.

It is like that except in this case you do

not yet know when the pain is

really about. Life will teach you -- but

it may come more as a whisper than a shout

I particularly love

his point that, “Emotions are the echoes of our past into

the present. They are meaningful ... but what they

mean is often whispered -- while the urge

to resist them and the dominance of the evaluations of them is a shout that

crowds out any chance of learning.”

In other words, we have to accept our

emotions for what they are and be with them. We don’t have a

process for squirting unwanted emotions out of our minds, but if we are able to

accept them willingly and notice the whispers from our past, then there is a

possibility of being able to move forward with some positive learnings.

Hope this is OK, Steve.

Regards

Kinna

This e-mail is

personal. It is not authorised by, nor sent on behalf of the Department

of Health or the Government of South Australia.

From:

ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of Mona

Sent: Thursday, 29 May 2008 2:50

AM

To:

ACT_for_the_Public

Subject:

Question - difference between defusing words and emotions

OK,

I'm stuck... I can defuse a word, but not an emotion.

Scenario:

a loved one calls X a " whatever. "

" Whatever "

is but a word to defuse, but the hurt delivered by the loved

one through the word and the recognition by X of the intent through

which the word was delivered are hard to defuse, regardless of whether X

is a " whatever " or not. An equal degree of hurt could be

delivered without 'words.' For instance, the hurt could be delivered by a

look, physical contact, being ignored, etc.

I

can devalue the 'umph' of a word, but the emotion connected

with someone wanting to intentionally hurt is another matter...

speaking in terms of parent/child relationship, in particular.

[Guest guest]

> OK, I'm stuck... I can defuse a word, but not an

> emotion.

>

> Scenario: a loved one calls X a " whatever. " " Whatever "

> is but a word to defuse, but the hurt delivered by

> the loved one through the word and the recognition by X

> of the intent through which the word was delivered

> are hard to defuse, regardless of whether X is a

> " whatever " or not. An equal degree of hurt could be

> delivered without 'words.' For instance, the hurt could

> be delivered by a look, physical contact, being ignored,

> etc.

>

> I can devalue the 'umph' of a word, but the emotion

> connected with someone wanting to intentionally hurt

> is another matter.

Hi Mona - some thoughts ...

If someone gestures or speaks a word, etc. - these

events are outside our skin. Inside our skin are only

thoughts, feelings, and stories.

" Words " by themselves as sound waves or letters are not

something we can or need to defuse from. They are only

vehicles - like empty railroad cars standing idle at

a train depot. They take on meaning only because our

minds fill them (without our realizing it) with the

cargo of our thoughts & history & stories.

An emotion (hurt, for example) is like a very long

train made up of many, many of these railroad cars.

When an event happens (someone makes a gesture, speaks

a word), our mind instantly fills the cars with stories

about our past (which we call memories); stories about

the current situation (which are thoughts, but which we

think of as " real " ); and body sensations (which we filter

through our evaluations of them as good or bad, again

without realizing it).

The train fills up before we are even aware of it and

accelerates to high speed. Now it is an emotion coming at

us and all we are aware of is how powerful and solid and

perhaps even terrifying it seems.

Defusing is merely practicing to slow the train down

so we can see how the whole thing works. Defusing isn't

meant to take away hurt - hurt is part of living, part

of loving relationships & everything else we value. If we

are hurting and are present with that hurt and able to

respond, we don't need to defuse. We are already where

we need to be.

However if we feel our lives narrowing - if the hurt

makes us shrink away or seems to lock us into a response

that does not serve us - if we feel we have " no choice "

about whatever the problem is - then defusion can be

helpful. With practice the train disssembles itself into

its various elements and is no longer such a threat.

Suddenly we are a little bit more free - we have a

little bit of choice. Out of this can come all sorts of

wonderful things that can't be predicted in advance.

Hope this helps. I know what it feels like to be hurt &

feel helpless & unable to respond.

--Randy