about my diagnosis - very long entry - *sorry* - need to write about it!

[Guest guest]

I had my appointment today with the neurosurgeon. I spent an hour and

about 45 minutes driving (one way)for this man to spend 10, no, 5

minutes with me. |:-p He was _very_ nice but this was hard on my body

to be sitting so long. I had hoped for more conclusive results from

my effort. *sigh* I took a pain pill when I got home. I sneezed in

bed this morning and have been in pain since. I'm tired from the

stress of pain.

Anyway... he said my condition would not be helped by surgery.

Although I do have two herniated disks they don't appear to be

pressing on any nerves to result in the pain I am experiencing,

particularly the level of pain (a kind of validation I guess). He

suggested I might have fibromyalgia or even rheumatoid arthritis (an

option I hoped was out of the picture as I had a blood test for the

antigen and it came back negative, however my mother has it severely

along with osteo and fibro). He will be referring me to a myofacial

pain clinic in the same building (another long drive; I used to love

to drive). He had nothing specific or concrete to recommend, not even

a conclusive diagnosis (which I can accept, he said it was beyond his

expertise - lol! duh! right? does _anyone_ have this expertise???). I

told him that nothing I had tried had lasted beyond the temporary

(massage, heat/cold, whirlpool, chiropractic, stretching, walking

when able [these two last things help most when I can do them

consistently and repeatedly - a kind of catch-22! - as the pain keeps

interrupting my plans]). He suggested neuromuscular therapy/massage,

trigger point injections, strain/counter-strain bodywork. I know I

need to lose about 40 pounds. I am working on this - it is working -

one day at a time. More on this later.

This information is a mixed " blessing. " I'm happy not to have to have

surgery, but I'm left in the same boat as many, in that, I apparently

have one or more of those elusive illnesses. Nothing, of course, can

be traced directly to my occupation - so no relief financially there.

Meantime, how do I live? I'm having trouble working. Yet, I need

to... ah, the back brace and pain meds routine. I resent it, quite

frankly.

This leaves me with another way for me to look at how to work

with/heal my chronic body pain, much of my beliefs coming from my

work and spiritual experiences. This part of my writing is definitely

a " take what you need and leave the rest " section. This is only what

is true for me. I am not judging anyone else. I believe my chronic

pain is connected with unresolved emotional issues, particularly in

this case, in systemic (all over) body pain, anger (this might not be

a surprise to some of you! .

The pain is focused around my second chakra area (the chakra system,

in a nutshell, being a Hindu mapping system of access to the

emotional/physical connection that exists for all of us, but which

we, in this western culture, tend to compartmentalize). [Aside, thank

goodness for typing - I could never write all this out! too painful]

The second chakra is a particularly loaded one, I think, in that,

issues of money, work, sexuality, pleasure, etc. live in this area

(the pelvic region generally). Other knowledgable folks say that any

systemic pain involves anger. That I have issues with and get to work

with anger is not at all news to me. It is a consistent (thankfully,

gratefully ever changing) shadow for me. I've already done alot of

work over the years, repeatedly, with different people, through

different modalities, therapies and ways of accessing. I am...

what?... devastated, hurt, sad,... frustrated and angry about this

anger! lol! *sigh* disappointed... I've given it so much attention -

it feels as if my body is betraying me anyway. Like nothing I do is

enough. Another old issue for me. Part of it also feels unresolvable

(this belief may be my ultimate stopping progress/change belief) in

that somewhere, I don't know the degree, the anger is connected to

depression, clinical, diagnosed, chemical brain imbalance depression.

My depression manifests in anger and aggitation. I've been on meds

for a while - _thank g*d_ they work! Is it enough though?

I also compulsively overeat when (ever) hah! I was going to write

when I'm in pain. But I also eat for comfort, out of boredom, to

insulate myself from the attention of men (women aren't as

threatening - lol), even though I'm married and feel like I should

feel " safe " . Are we ever really safe as women? I'm sure there is old

information there. I eat from emotional starvation. I eat from pain.

I eat for pleasure, I don't seem to know as satisfying a way to

experience pleasure. Yet it doesn't work.

I have made a commitment to lose 40 pounds, one day at a time, one

minute at a time, however long it takes. Today I am abstinant:

I did not eat emotionally, obsessively or compulsively.

Thank you Spirit - for what I know, what I'm willing to do and

consider, for the health I have and for the willingness to look at

myself and keep on trying.

Every stage in a person's growth is honorable.

blessings everyone,

trustinit