Fear and willingness

January 18, 2008

> I recently noticed a thought that I've been having for a long

> time (years and years) and think maybe that this thought is

> the cornerstone of my extreme shyness and social anxiety. Even

> though I have noticed this thought " as a thought " there is still

> a large amount of fear associated with this thought. How do

> you move from noticing it to being willing to experience it?

Hi -

Maybe the reason to work with this thought isn't that it explains

your shyness & social anxiety (whether or not that is true), but

what happens in its presence.

You say you feel fear when this thought comes up. Do you also find

yourself avoiding situations & activities that might evoke it? Does

the thought seem obsessive, with lots of heavy judgements, etc.?

All this might indicate you're " buying " the thought. If so, defusing

from it could be a good first step towards willingness.

When you get a good, juicy moment full of this thought & the fear it

produces, that's a great opportunity to work on defusion. You can do

it right then or else later.

Here is what I do. It seems to work well for me - more or less it's

stuff cobbled together from the workbook.

Say that something just happened that really evoked the thought.

What I like to do is take 20 minutes or so and sit somewhere

private, as if meditating, and evoke the situation as fully as I

can. Repeat the details of what happened; articulate the chain of

thoughts that comes up; really get into it. Don't expect anything to

happen, don't look for an answer. Just stick with it. Give yourself

the full 20 minutes.

Sometimes you can distill the essence of this painful moment & your

reaction to it into one word to practice with - maybe a word

connected with who " you " seem to be in relation to all this. For me,

this morning the word was " selfish. " You can repeat this word over &

over. Really feel the impact ... be there with it. Let it ripen.

Maybe do the other kind of exercise where you give a sensation or

urge or thought a shape outside your body ... or even give this word

you are working with a shape. Or you can do a gestalt thing where

you imagine the resisting part of you sitting in a chair opposite &

you have a dialog for a little bit. Try different things, make up

stuff. This sort of work is a kind of willingness all in itself.

Be willing to stick with it. Last week was last week, this week is

this week. The more you practice the more easily it comes & the more

you find yourself making unexpected choices.

January 18, 2008

You both have brought up some interesting points. After reading

your replies I realize that maybe the fear doesn't lie in the thought

itself but rather in the behavioral sequence that follows it. And

actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing it's the whole cycle of

thoughts-bevavior-thoughts about behavior that I fear. The thought

I'm having is " I am being judged or criticized. " I then totally shut

down, can't say anything, and get very embarrassed. Then I get

embarrassed because I am embarrassed and then I start thinking I'm

being judged because of my behavior and on and on and on.....

I've been practicing and doing the mindfulness exercises and

feel like I've got it handled in practice (ie at home, by myself.)

It's when I interact with anyone in any way (in person, on the phone,

or even posting something online!) that this cycle starts. I can't

even talk to or be in the room with the psycologist I'm going to

without still feeling totally embarrassed (and I've been going to him

for almost a year!)

I would like to move towards more real world practice but because

of the nature of this particular thought I feel totally stuck and

afraid to move forward. Even posting this is huge step for me. I

got no sleep after my first post because I was totally having the

thoughts that I was being judged (by people I don't even know and

will probably never meet!) Posting this is in fact practice for me.

I'm mortified at the thought of this! Thank You mind!!!!!

January 18, 2008

Just observe objectively with great curiosity as if you were someone else. I am the most interesting science experiment that ever existed. I have a similar issue in regards to being in more professional settings or when we all need to go around the room and introduce ourselves. This morning I went to a sustainability meeting. There were many people there, professionals, interested citizens, etc. and I began to see my creations unfold (those that I would typically react to, judge or try to suppress in the past) since subconciously I am still not totally at ease with myself in those situations. As we were going around the room and introducing ourselves I sat in my chair and watched what was happening in my body with

objectivity and great curiosity. For example.."oh, that's interesting, there's a sensation in my gut. Hmm, where exactly is it?" and then I would go straight to the source and just watch without judgement. It is truely fascinating the stuff we create on a moment to moment basis.

When you start to get embarrassed or judge yourself see where it manifests itself in your body and just watch. Trust me, when you look at it, it begins to lose its power because you are not reacting to it in the way you normally do. It takes time to get in this stance but it has done wonders for my anxiety and life in general. I just completed a 10 day Vipasssana course, which I highly recommend EVERYONE doing and it literally SAVED MY LIFE!!!

Just keep watching. You are the greatest science experiment that ever existed!

Fear and willingness

You both have brought up some interesting points. After reading your replies I realize that maybe the fear doesn't lie in the thought itself but rather in the behavioral sequence that follows it. And actually as I'm writing this I'm realizing it's the whole cycle of thoughts-bevavior- thoughts about behavior that I fear. The thought I'm having is "I am being judged or criticized." I then totally shut down, can't say anything, and get very embarrassed. Then I get embarrassed because I am embarrassed and then I start thinking I'm being judged because of my behavior and on and on and on.....I've been practicing and doing the mindfulness exercises and feel like I've got it handled in practice (ie at home, by myself.) It's when I interact with anyone in any way (in person, on the phone, or even posting something online!) that this cycle starts. I can't even talk to or be in the room with the psycologist

I'm going to without still feeling totally embarrassed (and I've been going to him for almost a year!)I would like to move towards more real world practice but because of the nature of this particular thought I feel totally stuck and afraid to move forward. Even posting this is huge step for me. I got no sleep after my first post because I was totally having the thoughts that I was being judged (by people I don't even know and will probably never meet!) Posting this is in fact practice for me. I'm mortified at the thought of this! Thank You mind!!!!!

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

January 19, 2008

Usually stuff like this is very old.

The word embarrass is an avoidance word.

It orignally meant an obstacle, or blockage;

and it came from a metaphor (en - to put;

and bar -- from barre which was, well, literally a bar).

So it is not surprising you say " then I totally

shut down, can't say anything, and get very embarrassed. "

You could say that sentence this way " and then I hit an emotional and cognitive

bar,

I stop, and I feel what it feels like to stop when you hit an

emotional and cognitive bar. "

The key is not to get over or through the bar.

The key is to get with it; to inhale it; to carry it

with you as you move ahead.

Why? Because emotions and cognitions

are not physical bars -- they are psychological bars.

And psychological bars are strengthened by struggle

and avoidance, not weakened. For that reason,

psychological bars cannot be defeated --

they have to be eaten, taken in, inhaled, transformed.

My suggestions

Do some " tin can monster " work (and things like it)

to unpack " I'm being judged " more. Go back to the little

kid that felt that. Go into your body. etc. Learn. Be genuinely curious.

You are already seeing the fruits of that in the work you are doing

(it is in your message)

By the way, reassurance that you are NOT being judged is not

helpful -- from others or you. You don't have to conclude that you

are being judged either ... what is needed is living inside the ambiguity

and then just letting your mind scream about how it needs to know one way

or the other.

Try to find safe opportunities to out yourself.

That too you are already doing (in this message).

More is good.

e.g., tell a friend something you would not usually say.

Then follow it with:

.... I usually don't say things like that,

because I'm afraid of being judged and then I hide and get small. I've found the

more I'm

controlled by that process, the less I can actually be myself with you or with

other people I care about. I'm working on putting myself out there and just

watch my fearful, judgment-phobic mind run in circles.

I'm not asking you to rescue me or reassure me ... I just

want you to know that has been a barrier for me that I'm

going to let go of it.

Then spend some time really watching the ebb and flow of

fear, self-judgement, " embarrassment " and hold that with self-compassion

and mindfulness

Sorry if I sound like a big know it all advise giver ...

too late (or early) for my jet lagged head to

smooth that part out

Good luck

- S

Steve

________________________________

From: ACT_for_the_Public on behalf of marcelasbip

Sent: Fri 1/18/2008 9:40 AM

To: ACT_for_the_Public

Subject: Fear and willingness