Willing vs Wallowing

[Guest guest]

My mind is having a field day today.

I missed a meeting (my mind wanted to write IMPORTANT meeting) --

and my husband then missed the meeting too.

I started out WILLING to experience the pain of presense (i.e. I got

in the car!....) And I've been really good about allowing my body

to shake and twitch all through out a meeting if it indeed wants to

do that. But you know how it goes when you are trapped in the

chinease finger puzzle ... the meeting was in a " new location " ,

there were some " really important people there " , there were no " easy

graceful exits " etc. etc. etc.

So I started crying in the car. I was willing to go in there

shaking -- but I wan't willing to go in crying. I really can't bear

it when people look at me and say " You don't look good, is there

something wrong? "

So from missing the meeting ... to I can't do my work, I am going to

get fired, I am making my husband's life miserable, I am never going

to get better .... real quick trip down the language suffering

expressway.

Two hours later, I picked up my ACT workbook and plodded away at the

next assignment. Good for me it wasn't a cognative piece ... but

instead a body awareness exercise. Point to the outline of the body

with your right hand and the adjective describing it with your left

hand. Then the section on " Defusing from Implicit Evaluations " . I

knew I was having " feelings and thoughts " -- and I was totally fused

with them -- I could see the chess board underneath me but I

couldn't find a way to get to BOARD LEVEL.

Certainly feels like going farther and faring worse. Are we sure

that we aren't just learning a new vocabulary that we can use to see

once again how far away we are from where we want to be?

Oh that's a good one! Thank you mind for that thought. Now let's

keep on keeping on.

EM