Willingness Dial STUCK!

July 10, 2006

I remind myself life is not a linear process … but my mind has me

convinced I'm losing ground here! On my initial pass through the

Get Out of Your Mind workbook, I began to get a feel for the power

of the willingness dial. I have a subtle grasp of the defusion

techniques and I'm a pro at sitting meditation.

But in some version of going farther and faring worse … as I began

to work through the ACT for Anxiety book and it really sunk in that

all of my previous coping mechanisms were a scam – or maybe it is

some version of all of my seeking for a way OUT has been futile …

well, I'm kind of feeling hopeless and UNWILLING to leap.

As I began ACT, I was able to look at body sensations (the shaking,

or waves of sensations that come with a sensitized nervous system)

and gradually begin to accept these even in awkward moments

(public.) I even made some progress with my target personal pain

(heart skipping). I could just " notice " a few skips here and there

without reacting or taking action. Cool.

But then the big guns came out – hadn't even seen them for a while.

Those HUGE electric charges that surge through your system seemingly

out of the blue. The full on adrenaline response. So here's the

thing … the illusion that I can " control " this through breathing,

relaxation, changing my thoughts etc. Well that's all blown away

with ACT. I can't control these body sensations. And I can't limit

them by time or situation – which seem to be the only conditions you

can make when you determine your leap (goal.)

So if I can't control how long the flash will last (time), or where

it will strike (situation)…. Then how do I move that willingness

dial again?! It certainly seems I am less willing to set that dial

at a 10 now than when I had the perceived control that I could avoid

or de-escalate an attack by doing x,y or z.

Lost in mind alphabet soup no doubt.

~Em

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