(Long) I emotionally object to the coming week-end!

[Guest guest]

My husband and I planned on spending the coming week-end at his dad's cabin. Only his father was supposed to be there, so I thought the week-end was going to be quite relaxing. No need to socialize too much. Just what I need, because I've been going through such rough times lately. Firstly, my mother, who has been having chronic leukemia for 10 years, suffered severe anemia and almost died last February (her red blood cells wouldn't go up even after receiving 14 units of blood and being on extremely high doses of prednisone). As my mother is also bipolar, the prednisone prompted a maniac episode and she became totally psychotic. In the meantime, it appears from her clinical

examination, as well as from her family and life history, that she might also have borderline personality disorder. It was an important moment for me, because I didn't know there was anything that could explain why my mother was the way she was all her life. It finally gave me a sense of validation that soon reverted back to invalidation, when my mother's sister (my godmother, who I love dearly) accused me of having influenced the psychiatrists judgement and therefore falsing the diagnosis. Anyway, it's easy to understand that being the only child of a single parent with multiple mental disease, I learnt to suppress my feelings even before I could talk. At 34, I'm just starting to learn how to read... my feelings!In March, while she was fully maniac, my mother went in such an irrational rage that she shook the steering wheel while I was passing a truck on the highway at 65 mph... She was yelling and throwing things at me and all I

could think was to get home the fasted I could to end this situation and save my life. My mother decided that day she would stop taking her medication and no longer attend her psyciatric follow-up. It is at that very moment that I felt and voiced my first boundary ever with my mother, for the sake of my own survivao: that I wouldn't see her or help her in any way if she wasn't getting back on her meds and seeking therapy (that I am even willing to pay). This has been very difficult for me, as being my mother's extension (doing everything for her) was almost my sole purpose in life. I've been intensely mourning my mother, the hope of ever getting her inconditional love (which is the motivation behind why I was giving her so much of my time and money)... Notwithsdanting all the guilt I feel for "abandonning" someone who is so poor, alone and suffering from a terrible disease.Of course, I'm in therapy (mostly psychodynamic, in order

to connect with my feelings). This is why I was able to finally set boundaries and respect them. I've also discovered a few important things about myself, notably that I carry an immense guilt for being alive, for having ruined my mother's life just by existing (she told me I ruined her life countless times, that's why I owe her everything...). I fear abandon, mostly because I feel being unworthy of love. Most of the anxiety I feel is based on the feeling of being useless, unworthy of anything and of being an underachiever. I've been carrying the idea that I am an extremely lazy person for as long as I can remember and I feel extreme guilt for being alive but not being worth being alive. These feelings have remained unconscious until very recently, but have nevertheless played a key role in keeping me from living a fulfilling life.So, when my husband called me today to tell me his dad's assistant (which is also my husband's assistant,

as he works with his dad) and her two children would be at the cabing this week-end, along with his brother and wife (my sister-in-law), I suddenly felt an immense wave of depression invading me. Firstly, I despise my husband's assistant. She's told him once I have quite the easy life because I am part-time university student, part-time housewife and my husband makes lots of money (envy if you ask me, but it hurt me nonetheless). Whenever my husband and I talk on the phone while he's at work (their desks are 5 feet apart), she listens to everything we say and often comments, despite being told by my husband to mind her own business. I hate calling him at the office, in fear she picks up his line and I have to fake being nice to her. Secondly, I am not confortable with my sister-in-law because she absolutely ignores me most of the time, when it's not to say rudes things (such as : "You should eat more salad. It would help your figure" or

"You're the only one who could finish this piece of cake, so you are obviously a very experienced cake eater"). I've always been nice to her, despite those comments, but I am getting very tired of pretending, because it hurts me to act like I am not hurt. It's a lie. When my husband asked his brother (my sister-in-law's husband) why she doesn't like me, he said that it's mainly because she thinks I am not ambitious enough professionally... What kind of reason is this to dislike somebody? Nevertheless, it hurts me.So, I very negatively anticipate this coming week-end, because I will have to be socially pleasing with someone I really don't like (my husband's assistant), because I will also have to be socially pleasing with somebody who doesn' like

me (my sister-in-law). It will be a week-end of pure acting, of me not being

authentic, of being with people who will not be authentic. If I was being

truly honest and authentic this Saturday, I would tell both women to take a hike... But I won't, for the sake of harmony (for other people's harmony).I'm clearly

depressed (or at the very least extremely tired: I am currently suffering mononucleosis and a hepatitis).

I just feel like crying. I feel empty. I don't live according to what

I value in life, honesty and integrity being two of the things I value

the most. Yet my whole life has been to pretend, even with myself, to

play along with people, to act like I am not hurt. I accepted abuse and bullshit all my life without even a bat of the eye... but now, I realise how detrimental it is to my emotional health. I need to find a

way to function socially and be true to myself, while acknowledging

that this situations is only a problem for me, not for my husband (who has been quite sensitive and understanding of my situation). I don't want to deprive him of his family. I don't want to ruin his life.In

the same time I realise I would react very differently to a week-end on

the lake with real friends. Just to think about being with simple, real people with whom I can truly be myself is enough to instantly lift the depression. So the problem seems to be linked to being around inauthentic

people... and the feeling of being depressed appears to be totally circumstantial...Sorry this was long, but I needed to share this with you. Thank you for being there (and I will appreciate any input you can give me). :-)