On my relationship with my father

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I know it sounds somewhat trite, but all we really have are our memories.  they can haunt or comfort, depending on whether we choose the positive or negative.  Also, since our culture does not 'do death' I think it is important to design our own traditions and rituals that give these occasions lasting meaning, honor and dignity.   I go to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visit all my friends there.  I take things to leave on the graves , a snack for me and plan to spend a couple of hours.  I enjoy this a lot and look forward to doing it every year.  I meet other people there doing the same thing (maybe not all are having a little party like I am).   there is comfort simply by being there together.   I am sure you will think of some special way to honor your father!   jkzThanks, Janet.  I like your idea of having a little gathering.  maybe, I should do something for his anniversary- June 13th- since my stepmother will be alone for the first time in over three decades on that date.  his birthday is May 3rd- around that date would be pretty natural, too.  All I seem to do is remember-- is that how others process loss?  I know you are right about treasuring the time we had together near the end. I will read this over in a couple of days- it looks great.     Janet Zimmerman <jkzmailTSSMT (DOT) NET> wrote:My condolences.. thanks for sharing.  It is hard when some people do not want to have a ceremony and others do.   Perhaps you could have a family/friends gathering of your own arranging for this?  An ash scattering?   I am happy you had this opportunity, you will come to treasure it more as time passes!  jkzHi anyone,My father just passed away this morining. I went to visit him this last January and had an awesome time, partly because I knew so much more about AS/NT communication, and for the first time in my life, I could understand him, and communicate effectively enough to be understood- and therefore, there wea no longer any fear, but just wonder at all that he could be, and at all I had in having him for a father. I learned that he viewed me as highly beloved as well, even when- as a child- I had not been able to see that, for being mindblind. I am glad not to be that way today, and to understand that he failed to understand me as well, but that the intent was clearly the best. As I posted earlier, learning about my being AS has helped me to understand that my father was NT Now, I am trying to understand all the feelings I have- I do not like the fact that after finally being able to communicate with him really well for the first time in my life, and see so much good as a result, that he is gone. I am incredibly glad that I did have the chance to be able to sense his feelings and share them a bit- and not for the purpose of getting out of trouble, but to love him and to care about him- and that I know with certainty that he loved me greatly. It isn't sudden- since January, I have been remembering and remembering and remembering- and so has he- sharing little family things with all of us. This last weekend, he was surrounded by his two sisters and his brother and other family members, many from out of state. Everyone knew it could not be long.When he passed, he tried to leave blessings for everyone. He had kind words for me and for others, and left me feeling great about myself and his view of me. It was a good example. When my mother passed, she did not leave the same legacy of kind words towards everyone, and it really hurt- till I got saved, and learned that we had already forgiven each other (my mother was a believer as well, and that fact comforted me). I loved my mother, and she gave me a lot of good in her life, too- don't get me wrong, here. I am praying to remember my father's example, and leave kind words behind me when I leave a place for any reason, or when I pass from this earth. So, now I feel like calling all my family just to talk to them, but I am not sure who can relate to me. Do we feel grief and separation differently from NTs? I teach, but cancelled my face-to-face instruction for this evening. I wish there were a ceremony, but my stepmother only wants to have him cremated (his request), and not have a formal ceremony, because although he attended church and sang in the choir, he really did not favor organized religion, although I believe he had faith, and I know he prayed. For me, it is not about the protocol, but a chance to gather with others and share memories- and be together and lift each other up. I think I will be living on the phone for awhile.I was going to go to California for anything that would be set up, but my stepmother said that I should go on the trip I had planned with my Church, out of the country (I will be gone from April 26th to May 3rd)), and I know that my whole family discussed it. One of my aunts even sent support. There is no event at all in memoriam, and here I am, feeling like dialing anyone. I have strong feelings, but cannot name them. Thanks for reading this,  

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Thanks, Helen-- You are right. This makes me feel better- I did get to say good bye to him when he was alive. I just did not want to believe it. Helen Foisy wrote: ,I am very sorry about the loss of your father. I am very happy that you had a chance to reach a new understanding - a joyful understanding at that - with your father, before he passed on.As far as your ambivalence about taking the trip

with your church, though ultimately only you can know what is best for you, I will tell you a short story about my brother's passing. He was in a hospital back east and I lived in the west. We had expected that he would not live long, and I came back east so I could visit with him every day. He actually perked up a bit, and though he never did leave the hospital, most days he was alert and we had very good talks. Of course, neither of us knew about AS back then, this was so long ago, but we were still able to come to closure on many issues. It was good for both of us. After five weeks, I finally had to go home. He told me how much he appreciated my time with him, and said not to feel obligated to go to his funeral if I could not. When he did pass on, it was suddenly, and peacefully. I did not attend his funeral. I had the rare opportunity to say "goodbye" before he passed on.Funerals and memorial ceremonies are

for the living. It's a time to connect with family and friends, and though the occasion does bring tears, there is much happy reminiscing. It's a perfectly natural thing to want to reminisce with others about a loved one who has passed on. This what people do and this is why you want to ring people up right now. Provided it's not 2 AM when you do it, I think that's a wonderful idea!- Helen

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Thanks, Helen-- You are right. This makes me feel better- I did get to say good bye to him when he was alive. I just did not want to believe it. Helen Foisy wrote: ,I am very sorry about the loss of your father. I am very happy that you had a chance to reach a new understanding - a joyful understanding at that - with your father, before he passed on.As far as your ambivalence about taking the trip

with your church, though ultimately only you can know what is best for you, I will tell you a short story about my brother's passing. He was in a hospital back east and I lived in the west. We had expected that he would not live long, and I came back east so I could visit with him every day. He actually perked up a bit, and though he never did leave the hospital, most days he was alert and we had very good talks. Of course, neither of us knew about AS back then, this was so long ago, but we were still able to come to closure on many issues. It was good for both of us. After five weeks, I finally had to go home. He told me how much he appreciated my time with him, and said not to feel obligated to go to his funeral if I could not. When he did pass on, it was suddenly, and peacefully. I did not attend his funeral. I had the rare opportunity to say "goodbye" before he passed on.Funerals and memorial ceremonies are

for the living. It's a time to connect with family and friends, and though the occasion does bring tears, there is much happy reminiscing. It's a perfectly natural thing to want to reminisce with others about a loved one who has passed on. This what people do and this is why you want to ring people up right now. Provided it's not 2 AM when you do it, I think that's a wonderful idea!- Helen

between 0000-00-00 and 9999-99-99