Re: Can we please stop this - Daneka

[Guest guest]

Hahaha

I am fine. It was exactly that. It felt like what I have gotten here at home, like I said or tried to in a previous post. It certainly showed me that there REALLY are other people who would have his same reaction as Nick. Very intersting. Yes at first it shut me down, but that's how I have felt for a long time here, so it wasn't new. It was only new to realize that there REALLY are other people who would have the same reaction as Nick. Actually, that makes me much more happy to understand that yes he is normal on some spectrum. And, so am I on some spectrum.

Now I would like to know if there can ever be an understanding (at least a better one) by both spectrums.

A few of you have been chatting with me off line. Thanks

I'm trying to understand the spectrum different than my own.

Sandy

PS So, is Gushing any type of communication said with emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor communicator. And all of this talk of men and women and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp) that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My emotions and logic are intertwined.

Can we please stop this - Daneka

Hi Daneka,Thank you for presenting a well thought out alternative view. ALL sides of the issue are important to hear.In the past I have commented that the last thing a poor spouse needs to hear when coming to the group is more of the same as what they get at home. Now, it can be instructional in one way in that other members on the spectrum and off can see EXACTLY what they look like in this situation, and often it ain't pretty.Of course, it would be better if this "role play" didn't come at a relatively new member's expense. I agree with you, Daneka, that there could be some way that we could alert new members to the fact that as a "mixed'" group, there will be strong opinions here, and we hope that no one, AS or non-spectrum, will personalize the comments of others. But we all do it at one time or another - and then live to regret it <sheepish grin!> This happens more often when

someone starts generalizing and insinuating "all" members of a certain subset, eg. male, female, AS or NT "are like that."So when the inevitable flare ups and subsequent rustling of feathers happens, above all, this is still a family, we sometimes don't agree but together we'll climb the mountain as Newland always says.What no one would want to see here is for members to feel like they have edit out descriptions of their present emotional state. We hope that as you say, Daneka, folks who don't feel wildly enthusiastic about a certain thread will simply use the "delete" key.We've all learned from this but wow, this is painful. We hope Sandy pokes her head up soon. Are U okay Sandy????Thanks again Daneka, and others who have responded with helpful thoughts on the topic.I'll second Janet's thought and hope we can move on now.-

Helen

[Guest guest]

--- Dahlberg wrote:

<<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with

emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor

communicator. And all of this talk of men and women

and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a

degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class

in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)

that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My

emotions and logic are intertwined.>>

I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a

discussion of communication between AS and NT. In

AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both

partners will have to change or adapt for two

individuals to have a successful union?

Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

is a martyr (and should shut up).

What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

Hmmm. I think we've seen that over and over in posts here... the AS partner trying to learn from/adapt to the NT's emotional or communicative style. You've seen it from Bill, Helen, Ron, Jennie, , if you are here long enough also from Mike B., and numerous other persons on the list.

Please note that "withdrawing from conflict" and refusing to feed flames or grief IS an adaptive style, too : ).

Re: Can we please stop this - Daneka

Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in manyrecent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understandthat the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt orshut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NTis a martyr (and should shut up). What I can't remember reading is an example of an AStrying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner'spreferences or emotive communication style. Does itever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathymake this impossible? Anyone care to share?__________________________________________________________Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

,

The only way I can learn from or adapt to overemotional talk is

simply to ignore it or walk off.  It makes my skin crawl, and I get an

uncomfortable sensation.  It is a physical reaction that I feel when I am

overwhelmed by someone who can’t seem to talk without it always being an

emotional fountain.  I can’t change.  I am autistic.  There isn’t a pill to

take to make me okay with it.  I wish there were.  The only option to me is to

either ignore it, walk off, or ask the person to stop OR to live in physical

discomfort.  I don’t think an NT has the same physical reaction to an AS

bluntness – their response is emotional.  But my response to what some refer to

as “gushing” (I don’t like that word) is physical.   Since it wouldn’t be fair

for me to ask you or any NT to live in constant physical pain, that leaves me

with only a few options.  That’s my take, and others may have other views.  But

I am wired different – if I could adapt and be okay with it – I wouldn’t have

AS and I wouldn’t be on this group (although I would miss some interesting

conversations!!).  I hope that makes some kind of sense.

-:¦:-

(¯`'•.¸(¯`a Kathleen Simpson´¯)¸.•'´¯)-:¦:-

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of

Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2008 10:36 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: Can we please stop this - Daneka

--- Dahlberg

wrote:

<<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with

emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor

communicator. And all of this talk of men and women

and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a

degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class

in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)

that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My

emotions and logic are intertwined.>>

I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a

discussion of communication between AS and NT. In

AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both

partners will have to change or adapt for two

individuals to have a successful union?

Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

is a martyr (and should shut up).

What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

__________________________________________________________

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

Where were you when I needed a study partner in my classes?

*laughing*. I had planned to graduate from college and become a CPA,

but the lure of financial planning drew me away from all of that. If

a relationship is to change, both people in it must be willing to

change with that relationship. Otherwise, it's another statistic.

Given that I've been going to counseling, etc. I could adapt to a

potential AS or NT partner.

- AS/ADHD mix totally, but someone who has figured out a lot of

the NTs at work (being the only supposed AS in an office, which has a

good deal of ADHD tendencies, definitely has its advantages for me)

>

> <<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with

> emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor

> communicator. And all of this talk of men and women

> and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a

> degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class

> in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)

> that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My

> emotions and logic are intertwined.>>

>

> I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a

> discussion of communication between AS and NT. In

> AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both

> partners will have to change or adapt for two

> individuals to have a successful union?

>

> Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

> recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

> that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

> rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

> shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

> is a martyr (and should shut up).

>

> What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

> trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

> preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

> ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

> make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

[Guest guest]

Where were you when I needed a study partner in my classes?

*laughing*. I had planned to graduate from college and become a CPA,

but the lure of financial planning drew me away from all of that. If

a relationship is to change, both people in it must be willing to

change with that relationship. Otherwise, it's another statistic.

Given that I've been going to counseling, etc. I could adapt to a

potential AS or NT partner.

- AS/ADHD mix totally, but someone who has figured out a lot of

the NTs at work (being the only supposed AS in an office, which has a

good deal of ADHD tendencies, definitely has its advantages for me)

>

> <<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with

> emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor

> communicator. And all of this talk of men and women

> and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a

> degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class

> in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)

> that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My

> emotions and logic are intertwined.>>

>

> I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a

> discussion of communication between AS and NT. In

> AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both

> partners will have to change or adapt for two

> individuals to have a successful union?

>

> Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

> recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

> that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

> rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

> shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

> is a martyr (and should shut up).

>

> What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

> trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

> preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

> ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

> make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

[Guest guest]

Where were you when I needed a study partner in my classes?

*laughing*. I had planned to graduate from college and become a CPA,

but the lure of financial planning drew me away from all of that. If

a relationship is to change, both people in it must be willing to

change with that relationship. Otherwise, it's another statistic.

Given that I've been going to counseling, etc. I could adapt to a

potential AS or NT partner.

- AS/ADHD mix totally, but someone who has figured out a lot of

the NTs at work (being the only supposed AS in an office, which has a

good deal of ADHD tendencies, definitely has its advantages for me)

>

> <<So, is Gushing any type of communication said with

> emotion. Gee, if it is, I would soon become a poor

> communicator. And all of this talk of men and women

> and men thinking logically. I am a CPA. I have a

> degree in Business and Math. I was second in my class

> in college, and first in high school. Bolony (sp)

> that women don't think logically. Ridiculous. My

> emotions and logic are intertwined.>>

>

> I've been hoping this conversation would turn into a

> discussion of communication between AS and NT. In

> AS/NT partnerships. Is it not a given that both

> partners will have to change or adapt for two

> individuals to have a successful union?

>

> Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

> recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

> that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

> rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

> shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

> is a martyr (and should shut up).

>

> What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

> trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

> preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

> ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

> make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

[Guest guest]

If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn this whole thing was

going in one continuous circle with no end to it. I hereby tell the

Aspires court, " I didn't do anything. " " He who go around in circle

find self at same starting place " .

, " Night Court " junkie and fortune cookie extraordinare

>

> Hmmm. I think we've seen that over and over in posts here... the

AS partner trying to learn from/adapt to the NT's emotional or

communicative style. You've seen it from Bill, Helen, Ron, Jennie,

, if you are here long enough also from Mike B., and

numerous other persons on the list.

>

> Please note that " withdrawing from conflict " and refusing to feed

flames or grief IS an adaptive style, too : ).

>

> Re: Can we please stop this -

Daneka

>

>

>

> Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but in many

> recent posts, the AS will say the NT has to understand

> that the AS may be blunt, overwhelmed by emotion,

> rigid about routines etc. and NT needs to adapt or

> shut up. And if the NT can't accept that then the NT

> is a martyr (and should shut up).

>

> What I can't remember reading is an example of an AS

> trying to learn from or adapt his or her NT partner's

> preferences or emotive communication style. Does it

> ever happen? Does the lack of reciprocity and empathy

> make this impossible? Anyone care to share?

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,I'm glad you asked this question because it gives me a chance to boast about my husband.He has adapted all over the place, but it took me a long time to recognize that fact. The biggest way he has adapted is to ignore things that he finds just "wrong" or to bite his tongue -- hugely difficult for him. Not long ago, he had us all walking on egg shells in the family because he notices everything and if something made no sense to him, he'd pounce. Meltdowns were frequent. His special interest is foods and nutrition. If he had a meltdown, it was almost certainly over a food issue. For instance, he cannot fathom why someone would want to eat ice cream when it's so bad for you and has so little nutritional value. Ditto for chocolate. We have six children, all of whom love ice cream, AND we have a Cold

Stone Creamery nearby. Sounds like a trivial thing, but I can't begin to tell you the havoc in my home because we never had ice cream (among many other food prohibitions). The children thought our home was "weird;" they were miserable -- snacks at a soccer game Ugh! Halloween Ugh! classroom pizza parties Ugh!. It was a daily battle. We literally would pull up in the driveway, and seeing their dad's car, they'd begin a chorus of, "oh no, daddy's home." What could be worse?! Then, I realized how much our walking on egg shells enabled his food tyranny, so I just stopped. (my adapting) I had soooo many secret hiding places for chocolate . . .! Then, I'd just tell him, the children are having friends over on Friday to watch a movie, and they're ordering pizza. Done. I let him deal with his anxiety over it instead of us. The roof didn't fall in.

If it happens a lot, he'll lose it. But, if once in a while, we have ice cream as a treat, he now rolls with it. Whew! That's really difficult for him because it goes against everything that makes sense to him. Now that I understand much more about Aspergers, and I appreciate how difficult it is for him to ignore these things, I really do love him so much more for it. I also think that he sees that we are happier, and his logical mind has decided that the trade-off is worth it. Daneka, whose good friend from England sends Bangers around Easter time and is currently searching for a good hiding place.

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.