Lani was: Re: how would an AS respond to a legal separation? = very very bad res

[Guest guest]

Lani, just some more hugs going your way. Helen said just what I

feel in the most heartfelt and direct way. Its not your fault; he

was ill. Verleen

>

> Hi Lani,

> I really agree with . I'm going to try to say as little as

> possible in terms of " advice " because I am NOT an expert and I really

> feel you NEED to talk to an experienced professional who can help you

> through this horrid, horrid loss.

>

> But please understand this. He was ill. When his ill condition is

> removed he is probably a beautiful person inside but his actions were

> terrible - because HE WAS ILL. You did not cause this. You were doing

> what you had to do for the preservation and protection of your family.

>

> He had responsibilities that he did not live up to - namely to take

> ownership of his wellness so that he could take care of his family. He

> could not do this because he was ill. I keep stressing his illness

> because that is so important. He wasn't in his right mind when he made

> this poorest of poor choices and on top of that, left you with a

> torment of guilt that is not yours to own. HE DID NOT MEAN IT - HE WAS

> SIMPLY ILL.

>

> In literature that I have read, Effexor should not be given to people

> who are suicidal. But obviously he presented normally enough to the

> doctor - he gave the doctor no signs. If a trained physician did not

> see a risk, how could you?

>

> I feel your husband also had a responsibility to disclose to his

> doctor what his true emotional state was, and he had a responsibility

> to disclose to you that he was taking Effexor. He did not do these

> things BECAUSE he was ill. Regardless, ultimately, he is still

> responsible for himself.

>

> When I was young, I stayed with a man with serious psychological

> problems because he threatened to kill himself if I left. I was young,

> and I thought love would conquer all. I thought I could fix him.

>

> Of course, he didn't present as an abuser right away - or I would have

> run for my life. It crept in insidiously. Not only could I not save

> him, but two years later, *I* had become self destructive.

>

> I finally fled with little more than the clothes on my back and no

> dignity left. He took everything from me, in every way imaginable. I

> still live with the trauma, low self esteem and a bitter legacy today.

> When I learned he died violently 2 years ago, it rekindled terrible

> feelings of my victimization, helplessness, and stupidity all over

again.

>

> So, if you want to know a " what if " scenario - there is one - looking

> at you from the other end of life's telescope.

>

> You still have your own precious life and three beautiful sons. You

> have many people that love you so much. Please heal and be well and

> believe that you are a good person who did not deserve this. None of

> this is your fault and I hope that you can access a very good

> counsellor soon. This is too big a burden to deal with alone. Your

> sons NEED you to feel good again! Please promise us you'll make the

> call as soon as possible. If you don't already have a therapist,

> remember, crisis lines are open 24 hours a day.

>

> cyber hugs,

> Helen (age 52)

>