Is it AS or Isn't It?

[Guest guest]

Anita Wrote:"Therefore, in my opinion, EVERYTHING he doesgoes through his internal filters (which are AS) no matter what theactivity."Bill Responds:"That's a sweeping generalization, "EVERYTHING he does...".That goes pretty far toward *demonizing* your husband. Something's wrong there...Why would you want to do that - and at the same time hope to save your marriage?"Anita Responds:Please let's not use labels like

"demonizing" ...that sort of language isn't productive. You might wish

to help me understand why my attempt to totally accept that he is AS

and deal with it as such is "demonizing" him?Maybe we have another discussion here? Is Asperger's "situational" or "pervasive?" It's neurological, therefore I am hard pressed to see how it could be "situational."If I am to understand, take advice and information, and develop an "understanding" of AS so I can attempt to deal with the problems in my marriage...wouldn't I have to ascribe to a mindset that says everything he does is because he is AS? The most useful information I've received here was that AS "pretend" to be NT which explains why AS just sort of flip out or need to be alone or get all jumbled up when they are on overload. This is factual information, is it not? I sure hope so, because I am relying heavily on this information because it "fits" what is going on in my life. My husband, who is reading these posts is agreeing with just about everything, , Ron, and Gregg have said on these topics. Anita Writes:"Unless and until an AS can therapeutically unravel a good deal of maladaptive behavior, it is not possible to determine whether anything they do is typical of general male behavior or not."Bill Responds:"Another sweeping generalization, "not possible...",Anita Responds:You totally missed my point here. I am saying that it is not possible to determine anything about an adult dxd with Asperger's because they have probably spent their entire lives attempting to "get by" using maladaptive behaviors. This is why I used the phrase "typically AS"...because AS typically ends up using maladaptive behavior, because they know no other way. Dave speaks eloquently on this subject and I am hearing him loud and clear. If we are to accept that maladaptive behavior is usually part and parcel of the problem, we also have to accept that it is not possible to "see" the most authentic of the person until those maladaptive behaviors are corrected and replaced (if possible) with adaptive behaviors. In the meantime, it leaves us no choice right after a dx than to believe and accept that EVERYTHING the person is doing/saying/behaving is through an AS filter, a mostly maladaptive filter at that. Trying to compare the probably deliberate insensitivities of an NT who has the neurological capability to ameliorate those behaviors (choice) to an AS who does not have the neurology to ameliorate in that way is what I am saying does a great disservice to the AS. Bill, I have spent my whole relationship comparing myself to my husband. It was WRONG and I have learned HERE through the kindness and open communication of the AS males on the list that it was wrong! The last thing I want to read after all of that soul searching is AS drawing comparisons to NT and calling it "typical male behavior." There is no comparison, there are a zillion AS variables that account for AS behavior. In my NT world, there is only one reason for negative NT behavior.....it is deliberate. This is why NT women accuse their AS husbands of doing whatever they do deliberately. This is the cause of countless arguments and hurt, this constant comparison to NT and trying to "fit" AS into NT behavior. It's wrongheaded, I get it and I learned it here! Thank god! I learned here, that my husbands behavior is NOT deliberate and not intended in the way it happens. I learned here that I am not "the" victim in all of this, that he too is a victim as well.I learned here that comparing NT to AS is WRONGheaded. I *CAN* save my marriage by NOT comparing him to NT and making sure others don't compare AS to NT so we (he and I and others) can navigate. You did hit a nerve. The nerve you hit was that I took offense to you ignoring the information presented her (GREAT INFORMATION) is that one of the the most cardinal rules in trying to rescue an NT/AS marriage is.........."Don't compare NT to AS!!!"Regards,Anita 55 NT

[Guest guest]

srabande wrote:

> Anita Wrote:

.... a big angry bunch. { snipped here, for brevity only ]

> I learned here that comparing NT to AS is WRONGheaded.

If you mean *equating* NT to AS is wrong-headed -- you're absolutely

RIGHT, and I AGREE.

If you mean " making comparisons of NT to AS, to understand differences "

is wrong-headed, I couldn't DISAGREE more.

IF that's what you mean, THEN we've no common ground for going

forward in this discussion. There appears little or nothing you'd

accept from me, and I'm wasting my breath.

> I *CAN* save my

> marriage by NOT comparing him to NT and making sure others don't compare

> AS to NT so we (he and I and others) can navigate.

>

> You did hit a nerve. The nerve you hit was that I took offense to you

Your offense taken is misplaced, Anita.

I do not ignore information; though sometimes I disagree with it.

> ignoring the information presented her (GREAT INFORMATION) is that one

> of the the most cardinal rules in trying to rescue an NT/AS marriage

> is..........

>

> " Don't compare NT to AS!!! "

Of course I have to insist:

" DO compare AS to NT; to learn more about each, to help each other. "

(That's " compare " , not " equate " ) "

I've spent _decades_ noodling over my differences from " other people " .

....Then decades more noodling over one failed marriage and the rapid

approach of another.

Finally after 1000s of hours of reading and research, discussions

with " pros " , _and learning_, I found who and what I am. And so did my

wife.

We've been there Anita, my NT wife and I; we've done that.

But then *we*, together, repaired our then-38-year marriage.

This is the sole reason I've been on this List for something nearing

two years: To try sharing what we learned and what worked for us.

Some have listened; some have not.

Anita, I wish for you and your husband all the success in the world.

- Bill, 75, AS; ...two years on, my NT wife's still singing.

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm