Re: Overall functioning question.

[Guest guest]

sounds like a classic presentation to me... I can relate.. not everyone is exactly the same of course.  I had lots of good times in my marriage before I noticed that he did not seem to be interested in me a person.  For about 20+ years (there were some red flags along the way that I cheerfully ignored).  But now I am ... well, I guess I am somewhat pissed off and can't muster the energy needed to buoy up the relationship anymore.   We are sort of in a holding pattern, static rather than dynamic.   I want things to be different, I just don't know what to do.  jkzI have a question. In reading many of the emails on here I'm starting to wonder if there are "levels" of Asperger's, if much of what is written here is just the bad parts, or if my husband isn't Asperger's at all. (Which I would be very happy with the latter option.)My husband, overall, is functioning. He is a computer programmer and while his managers state that there have been comments from co-workers about him being rude, abrasive, or hard to get along with or a jerk, he can work. He prefers to be left alone. He gets irritated and downright irate if interrupted from his work. However, he can make software do things they never dreamed of doing.He can carry on a conversation...mostly. Depending on the subject, he will give an oratory all about it until your eyes are glazed over and never have a clue that you're bored out of your mind. However, he has learned well enough that about halfway through some explanation he will stop and go "and you aren't interested in hearing about this at all." But we've been together for a long time and I think he's just learned what I am and am not interested in. (I'm also less subtle than I used to be or am in "polite company".) In general, when folks are trying not to be rude, he doesn't pickup on their eyes glazed looks.He works from home most of the time and will come out of his cave periodically. he'll start to talk to me and I'll respond... if I say much at all, I'll get "I need to get back to work." and he'll leave the room.... this is regardless of what my response was and it leaves me feeling like what I have to say isn't important. Yes, I know you need to work BUT you came out and started this conversation! He's CONSTANTLY on the computer... doesn't even think about the fact that he's not spending any time with me or the kids... he's working on something that is important to him. If you interrupt, he doesn't react well. He's very easily distracted also. I can't even be in the same ROOM with him while he's working or he says I'm distracting him.When you talk to him, he makes statements that to me frequently come across as complaining even tho he says he's not. Like when I was out of town for the funeral I spoke to him on the phone and all he could do was talk about how the boys (4 and 7 years old) keep coming in there to ask him questions about things and couldn't seem to understand he has to work and can't seem to remember to knock before just barging in. To me, it sounded like he was complaining that I wasn't there to take care of the kids so that he could work and it's frustrating that he can't seem to manage the kids without complaining about them being normal kids. But he makes comments that sound to me like it's a complaint 9 times out of 10 even tho he says that he's just commenting. He makes comments on foods I eat (I'm southern and have grown up with things he finds gross) that are gross and mean without thinking about the fact that it's not very nice or really wanted to be heard while I'M EATING. In arguments or even just the little disagreements, it turns into him saying I'm attacking him or I'm yelling at him, or how I'm being difficult... nothing is his fault of course. If I ask his opinion on something, I get "whatever", "I don't know what to tell you", or "I don't care. It's up to you." Doesn't seem to understand that if I'm ASKING his opinion, I'd like some sort of input from him... but he says he doesn't have anything to say about it, he doesn't care. *sigh*However, he does remember my birthday. He has in the past actually shown insite with the presents he got me. (Of course they were when we were dating... once we were in a committed relationship, I've either had to tell him exactly what to get or they've been mostly misses. But he does usually make the effort. He took the boys out shopping for me a present for Christmas this year. They got me a necklace... the stones were not ones I'd generally pick out but it's a nice necklace and they definitely get points for trying.If I dress up, put on makeup or whatever, I never get a compliment, I just hear "yuck, makeup" or "guess you don't want a kiss tonight" because he doesn't like me wearing lipstick or makeup in general. I can't remember the last time he actually gave me a compliment. He's a breast man and I recently purchased new bras. I'm quite large chested so finding "sexy" bras is difficult. I finally found two that I thought were nice and partially see through and sexy. I figured he'd like them. All I've heard is how they're not the completely see-through bras I had way back when we were first dating. *sigh* No, they were expensive, didn't last long, and aren't available for the cup size I am now after two children anyway. But still nothing nice about the ones I bought now.We do have nice conversations now and then when he's not working. He does help with chores now and again. He tosses in loads of laundry and will empty and refill the dishwasher. (Usually the laundry is his own stuff and I have to be careful of what I leave out for him to wash as he just grabs and tosses them in regardless to color or material but I can't really complain as he does do it.) He doesn't remember dates and appointments very well but we've managed to avoid problems there by using google calendars and having them updated as we schedule things so we know each other's schedule. He still forgets things but overall we're doing much better.Socially, well, he's not really interested in much social wise but he does like the idea of having some people over every now and then.A friend of mine says it's all men, not just my husband but... I've not seen most of the men in my life doing many of the things Jim tends to do... or with the regularity that he does. So I guess the whole reason to all of this is... Is my husband more "normal" than "Asperger's"? Do you guys have GOOD things to say about the relationships you're in? 

[Guest guest]

a,

There definitely are different levels of Aspergers and you would be

best off to get your husband an official diagnosis (if he would

agree to it)to assess where on the spectrum he is.

AS/NT relationships are very difficult but there are some really

good books that might help you to see how they can work - try 'An

Asperger Marriage' by & Gisela Slater- or 'The Other

Half of Aspergers Syndrome' by Maxine Aston.

>

> > I have a question. In reading many of the emails on here I'm

starting

> > to wonder if there are " levels " of Asperger's, if much of what is

> > written here is just the bad parts, or if my husband isn't

> > Asperger's at

> > all. (Which I would be very happy with the latter option.)

> >

> > My husband, overall, is functioning. He is a computer programmer

and

> > while his managers state that there have been comments from co-

workers

> > about him being rude, abrasive, or hard to get along with or a

> > jerk, he

> > can work. He prefers to be left alone. He gets irritated and

downright

> > irate if interrupted from his work. However, he can make

software do

> > things they never dreamed of doing.

> >

> > He can carry on a conversation...mostly. Depending on the

subject, he

> > will give an oratory all about it until your eyes are glazed

over and

> > never have a clue that you're bored out of your mind. However,

he has

> > learned well enough that about halfway through some explanation

he

> > will

> > stop and go " and you aren't interested in hearing about this at

all. "

> > But we've been together for a long time and I think he's just

learned

> > what I am and am not interested in. (I'm also less subtle than

I

> > used to

> > be or am in " polite company " .) In general, when folks are

trying

> > not to

> > be rude, he doesn't pickup on their eyes glazed looks.

> >

> > He works from home most of the time and will come out of his cave

> > periodically. he'll start to talk to me and I'll respond... if I

say

> > much at all, I'll get " I need to get back to work. " and he'll

leave

> > the

> > room.... this is regardless of what my response was and it

leaves me

> > feeling like what I have to say isn't important. Yes, I know you

need

> > to work BUT you came out and started this conversation!

> >

> > He's CONSTANTLY on the computer... doesn't even think about the

fact

> > that he's not spending any time with me or the kids... he's

working on

> > something that is important to him. If you interrupt, he doesn't

react

> > well. He's very easily distracted also. I can't even be in the

same

> > ROOM with him while he's working or he says I'm distracting him.

> >

> > When you talk to him, he makes statements that to me frequently

come

> > across as complaining even tho he says he's not. Like when I

was

> > out of

> > town for the funeral I spoke to him on the phone and all he

could

> > do was

> > talk about how the boys (4 and 7 years old) keep coming in there

to

> > ask

> > him questions about things and couldn't seem to understand he

has to

> > work and can't seem to remember to knock before just barging in.

To

> > me,

> > it sounded like he was complaining that I wasn't there to take

care of

> > the kids so that he could work and it's frustrating that he

can't seem

> > to manage the kids without complaining about them being normal

kids.

> > But he makes comments that sound to me like it's a complaint 9

> > times out

> > of 10 even tho he says that he's just commenting. He makes

comments on

> > foods I eat (I'm southern and have grown up with things he

finds

> > gross)

> > that are gross and mean without thinking about the fact that

it's not

> > very nice or really wanted to be heard while I'M EATING. In

arguments

> > or even just the little disagreements, it turns into him saying

I'm

> > attacking him or I'm yelling at him, or how I'm being

difficult...

> > nothing is his fault of course. If I ask his opinion on

something, I

> > get " whatever " , " I don't know what to tell you " , or " I don't

care.

> > It's

> > up to you. " Doesn't seem to understand that if I'm ASKING his

opinion,

> > I'd like some sort of input from him... but he says he doesn't

have

> > anything to say about it, he doesn't care. *sigh*

> >

> > However, he does remember my birthday. He has in the past

actually

> > shown insite with the presents he got me. (Of course they were

when we

> > were dating... once we were in a committed relationship, I've

> > either had

> > to tell him exactly what to get or they've been mostly misses.

But he

> > does usually make the effort. He took the boys out shopping for

me a

> > present for Christmas this year. They got me a necklace... the

stones

> > were not ones I'd generally pick out but it's a nice necklace

and they

> > definitely get points for trying.

> >

> > If I dress up, put on makeup or whatever, I never get a

compliment, I

> > just hear " yuck, makeup " or " guess you don't want a kiss tonight "

> > because he doesn't like me wearing lipstick or makeup in

general. I

> > can't remember the last time he actually gave me a compliment.

He's a

> > breast man and I recently purchased new bras. I'm quite large

chested

> > so finding " sexy " bras is difficult. I finally found two that I

> > thought

> > were nice and partially see through and sexy. I figured he'd like

> > them. All I've heard is how they're not the completely see-

through

> > bras

> > I had way back when we were first dating. *sigh* No, they were

> > expensive, didn't last long, and aren't available for the cup

size

> > I am

> > now after two children anyway. But still nothing nice about the

ones I

> > bought now.

> >

> > We do have nice conversations now and then when he's not

working. He

> > does help with chores now and again. He tosses in loads of

laundry and

> > will empty and refill the dishwasher. (Usually the laundry is

his own

> > stuff and I have to be careful of what I leave out for him to

wash

> > as he

> > just grabs and tosses them in regardless to color or material

but I

> > can't really complain as he does do it.) He doesn't remember

dates and

> > appointments very well but we've managed to avoid problems there

by

> > using google calendars and having them updated as we schedule

> > things so

> > we know each other's schedule. He still forgets things but

overall

> > we're doing much better.

> >

> > Socially, well, he's not really interested in much social wise

but he

> > does like the idea of having some people over every now and then.

> >

> > A friend of mine says it's all men, not just my husband but...

I've

> > not

> > seen most of the men in my life doing many of the things Jim

tends to

> > do... or with the regularity that he does.

> >

> > So I guess the whole reason to all of this is... Is my husband

more

> > " normal " than " Asperger's " ? Do you guys have GOOD things to say

about

> > the relationships you're in?

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

lol I am sorry to laugh but my husband who is High functioning autistic as well as 2 of my 4 children. got a kick out of your post and told me I should let you know the man's ok and normal for AS. I could have wrote your post. He complains nonstop. Though like you said now he has added I am not complaining in front or right after. lol He can not help it. His mind only thinks in negative I think. I have never heard him just recall something nice with out saying at least something that should have been done different or how it could have been improved. Everything I do I get a thank you it is good But..... lol Hope that helps a little. Kian Overall functioning question.

I have a question. In reading many of the emails on here I'm starting

to wonder if there are "levels" of Asperger's, if much of what is

written here is just the bad parts, or if my husband isn't Asperger's at

all. (Which I would be very happy with the latter option.)

My husband, overall, is functioning. He is a computer programmer and

while his managers state that there have been comments from co-workers

about him being rude, abrasive, or hard to get along with or a jerk, he

can work. He prefers to be left alone. He gets irritated and downright

irate if interrupted from his work. However, he can make software do

things they never dreamed of doing.

He can carry on a conversation. ..mostly. Depending on the subject, he

will give an oratory all about it until your eyes are glazed over and

never have a clue that you're bored out of your mind. However, he has

learned well enough that about halfway through some explanation he will

stop and go "and you aren't interested in hearing about this at all."

But we've been together for a long time and I think he's just learned

what I am and am not interested in. (I'm also less subtle than I used to

be or am in "polite company".) In general, when folks are trying not to

be rude, he doesn't pickup on their eyes glazed looks.

He works from home most of the time and will come out of his cave

periodically. he'll start to talk to me and I'll respond... if I say

much at all, I'll get "I need to get back to work." and he'll leave the

room.... this is regardless of what my response was and it leaves me

feeling like what I have to say isn't important. Yes, I know you need

to work BUT you came out and started this conversation!

He's CONSTANTLY on the computer... doesn't even think about the fact

that he's not spending any time with me or the kids... he's working on

something that is important to him. If you interrupt, he doesn't react

well. He's very easily distracted also. I can't even be in the same

ROOM with him while he's working or he says I'm distracting him.

When you talk to him, he makes statements that to me frequently come

across as complaining even tho he says he's not. Like when I was out of

town for the funeral I spoke to him on the phone and all he could do was

talk about how the boys (4 and 7 years old) keep coming in there to ask

him questions about things and couldn't seem to understand he has to

work and can't seem to remember to knock before just barging in. To me,

it sounded like he was complaining that I wasn't there to take care of

the kids so that he could work and it's frustrating that he can't seem

to manage the kids without complaining about them being normal kids.

But he makes comments that sound to me like it's a complaint 9 times out

of 10 even tho he says that he's just commenting. He makes comments on

foods I eat (I'm southern and have grown up with things he finds gross)

that are gross and mean without thinking about the fact that it's not

very nice or really wanted to be heard while I'M EATING. In arguments

or even just the little disagreements, it turns into him saying I'm

attacking him or I'm yelling at him, or how I'm being difficult...

nothing is his fault of course. If I ask his opinion on something, I

get "whatever", "I don't know what to tell you", or "I don't care. It's

up to you." Doesn't seem to understand that if I'm ASKING his opinion,

I'd like some sort of input from him... but he says he doesn't have

anything to say about it, he doesn't care. *sigh*

However, he does remember my birthday. He has in the past actually

shown insite with the presents he got me. (Of course they were when we

were dating... once we were in a committed relationship, I've either had

to tell him exactly what to get or they've been mostly misses. But he

does usually make the effort. He took the boys out shopping for me a

present for Christmas this year. They got me a necklace... the stones

were not ones I'd generally pick out but it's a nice necklace and they

definitely get points for trying.

If I dress up, put on makeup or whatever, I never get a compliment, I

just hear "yuck, makeup" or "guess you don't want a kiss tonight"

because he doesn't like me wearing lipstick or makeup in general. I

can't remember the last time he actually gave me a compliment. He's a

breast man and I recently purchased new bras. I'm quite large chested

so finding "sexy" bras is difficult. I finally found two that I thought

were nice and partially see through and sexy. I figured he'd like

them. All I've heard is how they're not the completely see-through bras

I had way back when we were first dating. *sigh* No, they were

expensive, didn't last long, and aren't available for the cup size I am

now after two children anyway. But still nothing nice about the ones I

bought now.

We do have nice conversations now and then when he's not working. He

does help with chores now and again. He tosses in loads of laundry and

will empty and refill the dishwasher. (Usually the laundry is his own

stuff and I have to be careful of what I leave out for him to wash as he

just grabs and tosses them in regardless to color or material but I

can't really complain as he does do it.) He doesn't remember dates and

appointments very well but we've managed to avoid problems there by

using google calendars and having them updated as we schedule things so

we know each other's schedule. He still forgets things but overall

we're doing much better.

Socially, well, he's not really interested in much social wise but he

does like the idea of having some people over every now and then.

A friend of mine says it's all men, not just my husband but... I've not

seen most of the men in my life doing many of the things Jim tends to

do... or with the regularity that he does.

So I guess the whole reason to all of this is... Is my husband more

"normal" than "Asperger's" ? Do you guys have GOOD things to say about

the relationships you're in?

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