for Judith L.

[Guest guest]

Hi Judith,

It is often the Aspie Way (and I count myself as one to them) to try

to be logical and unemotional when problem solving. Just think Spock,

in the original Star Trek TV series. When trying to adjudicate, an

Aspie will often try to get you to look at all sides of the issue. It

is not intended as disregard or malice at all, it's just that Aspies

have a strong sense of justice. Also, we have an all-abiding desire

to keep the peace. Unfortunately, sometimes upholding " justice " can

over-ride common sense, and keeping the peace may be nothing more

than the " path of least resistance. "

What the Aspie needs to learn is that when someone close to them

commiserates with them, they aren't really asking for advice. What

they are REALLY asking for is for the Aspie to support them in their

conclusions and subsequent actions. If, rather, in response, the

Aspie tells the person not to jump to conclusions, the non-Aspie will

be thinking, " auuuuugh, is he LISTENING at all??? Whose SIDE is he

on? " The non-Aspie will ultimately interpret the Aspie's detached and

impartial response as a sign of extreme disloyalty.

Before I go on, I will point out that when someone knowingly or

unknowingly says something that is untrue about another person, it is

in my nature to want to set the record straight. This is especially

so when the victim of the misinformation is " unpopular " and

therefore, even if others know that what's being said about the

person is wrong, they don't want to stick their necks out to defend

them. Well, I will. That trait is very counterintuitive for political

longevity, though. If I were on " Survivor " I think I'd be one of the

first voted off, LOL.

That being said, your situation is different, and here is where

judgement, and in the Aspie's difficulty in transferring lessons

learned in one experience, to a new experience, sometimes fails them.

They may be relying on an old " script " when presented with a novel

(and unthinkable) problem, such as a family member stealing from

another family member.

So lesson #1 for staying in long term marriage is - when push comes

to shove, a spouse should always take the side of their

spouse! (Unless, of course, the spouse is completely paranoid and

crazy, but in that event then there are more serious problems than

can be dealt with in a discussion group like this.) In an intimate

relationship, trust and respect are very important, and if one spouse

does not feel " backed up " by the other, then the bonds of intimacy,

respect and trust begin to break down.

Your husband needs to learn to take it on faith that when you make a

statement, you have reasonable grounds to support that it is true,

such as in the instance of the relative (if I recall correctly) who

has stolen from you.

This probably extends to many other issues, eg. if you say the family

car is making a " funny noise " he needs to listen to you and respond,

and either look at it himself or agree to let you take it to a

mechanic. If your partner doesn't listen to you on minor or major

issues, after a very short while you will feel that he/she does not

respect you, and you'll be wondering what keeps him/her in the

relationship besides, ah, you know. Eventually it will ruin the

dynamics of your marriage and you'll be living as brother and sister,

not husband and wife. Maybe this is what your husband really needs to

understand. Is this about right?

- Helen, 52, self-dx'd AS, dx'd ADD