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Hi ,I am missing many of your comments when you respond to someone else's post. When you weave your responses into the original post, I can't find them, or I can't find the "me here." I think that if you would double space between what you write and what you are responding to, that would help.Much thanks,Danekadavid bailey wrote: srabande <SRABANDEaol> wrote: , Thank you so much for taking the time to remember what it was like atthe beginning and understanding what I was trying to explain in thoseposts. I don't want to ruffle anything up again, but Bill is 75 and hasstated that his wife is singing for only the last two years. me here: yes, it isnt too late to figure it out and adapt. you said: He alsosays he knew things were different since High School and studiedcontrol groups since that time. That's a LONG time folks! A LONG time of studying control groups andtrying to digest AS to the point any distinctions can be made betweenintentional behavior (NT) and unintentional behavior (AS) andintentional maladaptive behavior (AS) and intentional adaptivebehavior (AS)....and every permutation in between. me here: presumably bill would say that he

only had 2 years with a name and a label for what has always had. prior to this, it was all speculation and confusion, despite this, bill seems to have been successfull. one of the few, one of the many. you said:I didn't even write this part of the post to him [bill] because in myworld, someone who has learned so much doesn't say things like, "I wasgoing to hit the delete button." If one has become that adaptive,they either hit the delete button or just answer the post without thethreat. me here: bit like saying i dont want to ruffle feathers but...... anyway anita, bill presumably now deletes your posts, it is a real shame as there is a lot here who's feathers i do ruffle but bill seems to be able to speak with a little more clarity and tact than i can or do, or chose too. bill is the Yoda of this list, he has a lot of accumulated wisdom. that can only

come with.....time. you said:Yes...we are having TONS of "AHaaaaaaaa moments" now..and they allfocus on what AS has been in our marriage coupled with what I keptwanting as an NT. Conversations between us are like, "oh my god,remember when we had that huge fight over __________ and you said youcouldn't understand because it was about too many things, and I saidcan't you think of more than one thing at the same time?" He can nowsay he's on overload and I can sort of rifle through the last 10things we said or did and understand how the combination of thingsoverloaded him.But is ALL about AS for us now. EVERYTHING is AS focused because ithas to be right now, and if we believe "once you've met one Aspie,you've met one Aspie" to be true....my husband may be on a differentlocation on the spectrum than, say Bill or you, . He may not beable to adapt and learn from knowing any of

this. He nods and nodsbecause the words ring true to him, but that may be no indication heis able to, or even wants to (take action)try to correct anything. me here: it will take time for him. he does need room to breathe and think digest and know. im glad your not badgering him. you said: Hemay find it much more soothing to just back away from it all becauseit's overwhelming, and that would be 100% AS burnout and in the end hejust may want to be left alone and not feel forced to "save" hismarriage. He needs to have these options, in my opinion. He reportsnot feeling like he's EVER had options and he is liking it thus far. me here: i could imagine living with you anita would be pretty reduced options. you seem bossy. you said:The next step in the process may be to differentiate between AS or nonAS

behavior. If he does not engage that next step, or becomesoverwhelmed with it, or cannot develop and access a set of internaltools to deal with it...that would be AS preventing him from doing so,because that's just the way it could turn out. me here: yes, it could be this. you said:I continue to be intrigued by the concept that it is even possible formy husband to ultimately "know better" and become an NT'like selfishjerk hiding behind AS. me here: read jennies post, it is explained very well. knowing who you are, and knowing what is and what isnt normal for you allows self acceptance, knowing better flows from this. you said:Everything we've both read indicates that AS is a neurologicalsituation, as such my brain tells me it would be cruel to accuse himof "using" AS to be anything other than AS. me

here: many do. they hide behind it, if you trust i have met more AS than you, then believe me, it happens. i have never known i had AS to hide behind it. now that i do know i accept it and adapt to it, but never try and hide behind it or use it as an excuse for any preferential treatment. you said: How does one overcomeneurology? I'm hearing statements like, "knowing were AS ends and nonAS begins." We've not read anywhere, or was there any theory likethat presented in the two AANE Boston conferences. Tony Attwoods bookand AANE presentation did not indicate there was a line were AS endsand non AS or NT begins. The information from what we believe are twovery credible sources (AANE and Tony Attwood) approach AS aspervasive, not situational. They say AS is managed as AS, not that AScan slide into NT and back to AS cognitively. me here: im

have read attwood, we all have. Attwood doesnt have AS. he describes it well, like a male obstretician describing how to give birth, all hi s experience, skills facts and knowledge he can talk a good shop. he doesnt actually have it (AS) he has never given birth he doesnt understand it, like one with AS does. talk to Attwood about AS sure, talk to me about having AS, i'll tell you what he cant because i can. curiously he can regurgitate and tell you different experiences he has had and recalls, a bit like an AS with delayed echolalia, not really understanding the context but regurgitating where he can. where he thinks it is appropriate. ask him anything about AS he will tell you what he knows ask him what it feels like to have AS he will tell you what others have told him, each is different, ask me what is it like to have AS and i will tell you, a key to knowing about AS is also knowing what is normal for you as an AS and what beyond that is non-AS

behaviour. iyou said:Is there some literature out there that specifically speaks to how ASis just an inch a kilometer or a lightyear from NT? Please let meknow about such information, as we have not seen it at all. me here: i havent read it, perhaps i havent explained it well, i feel jennies post did. you said:Thanks Again , I felt you understood much of what I was trying toconvey. me here: i do understand you anita. you said:For anyone else out there, just to be clear.......I do NOT think myhusband (or anyone else with Asperger's) is broken, defective or anyother negative words like that. Right now, I'm pretty opposed to himattempting to try to appear NT though. It's exhausting, he doesn't doit well, it ends up a disaster, it drives him into hiding and I'drather he just be free to be AS.

It's who he is authentically andlearning acceptable manners and social skills by rote might come downthe road. If he is not so far into the spectrum to be able to handleit with some success.Regards,Anita 55 NT 36 m diagnosed AS.>> jenny i think this is what Bill was getting at in his recent posts.> Knowing where AS ends and non AS begins, Bill is self aware andknows this distinction, i think Anita and anitas husbands are having alot of "a-haaaa" moments and anything that APPEARS to buck thiercurrent thinking is met with rejection.> to clarify...yes Anita everything about your AS husbands 61 yearsof maladaptive behaviour is "him", what bill is saying, is, in time,the next step of the process is

when you differentiate between whatis AS and what is non AS behaviour then you are getting toward whatjenny has written about, self limiting behaviour and adaptations toAS. or "knowing the difference" knowing when to help your husband toadapt, and knowing when he is just being a selfish jerk hiding behindan AS label. At the moment he is ALL AS. in time , and what i thinkbill is getting at is, there is AS behaviour and then there is typicalmale behaviour that some with AS can get away with and hide behind the"disability" just as you need to help your husband to adapt to what heneeds help on, you also need to not let him "fall" into just being a"jerk"> > 36 m diagnosed AS who has learned as much as Bill has forgotten. Sent from Yahoo! - a smarter inbox.

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