Sexual Skill Set: AS Management Tool or NT Emotional Need Meeter?

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Re: Re: Is it AS or Isn't It? My Husband Has a Few Wordssrabande wrote:,[ snip ]> I don't want to ruffle anything up again, but Bill is 75 and has[ snip ]> That's a LONG time folks!Bill Writes:I wondered when you'd feel a need to play the age card.Anita Responds:Please don't [snip and snip and snip] until what I have said is completely out of context.The entirety of what I said was:"I don't want to ruffle anything up again, but Bill is 75 and hasstated that his wife is singing for only the last two years. He alsosays he knew things were different since High School and studiedcontrol groups since that time."The point I was trying to make was you spoke of studying control groups basically all your life and you are 75 now having gained control over this to the extent your wife is singing for two years. That is a very long time, meaning it's an arduous task. The only reason your age was mentioned was to juxtapose it to your statement that you've been trying to garner information about how you felt "different" since High School. If you were 21 that would represent about three years. If you are 75 that would represent a bit less than 60 years. I believed that is significant.There is no age card. My husband is 61, only 14 years younger than you. Given the time it can take to wrestle this to the ground and deal with it, he may well be 75 before the work really shows too.Anita Wrote:[ snip ]> I didn't even write this part of the post to him [bill] because in my> world, someone who has learned so much doesn't say things like, "I was> going to hit the delete button." If one has become that adaptive,> they either hit the delete button or just answer the post without the> threat.Bill Wrote:My bad. It didn't occur to me the phrase could be read two ways.I _meant_ I was considering not sending *my* response. That I wasconsidering just letting the issue slide by, and make no response atall. But/and clearly I had reconsidered and was making a response.My apologies for not being clear.Anita Reponds:Mea Culpa on the potential for you to perceive an age card being played, my apologies for not being clear as well.Anita Writes:[ snip ]> Is there some literature out there that specifically speaks to how AS> is just an inch a kilometer or a lightyear from NT? Please let me> know about such information, as we have not seen it at all.Bill Responds:There's no such literature.Why do you ask? Are you implying someone made a fact-claim: "AS isjust an inch ... from NT?"Bill Writes in Post 885:*Better* sex life? "In spite of"[AS]? I'm AS, and I've not had a bad one.Not because of AS, nor in spite of it. But because I learned what"real men" know, "what women want". That all was a slow *learning*process - the same process NTs go through, but later in life. My wife'sresponses were gratifying; I'll stop right there.In the end I *owned* the capacities, the skills. No pretending, noacting; it's a *skill* like any other, and can be learned.What many men don't know: The *real* intimate skills are in thehead. They can be learned as well.Anita Reponds:I'm going to have to think about this...my knee jerk reaction is you are trying to convince me that sex is a skill set. I believe we are talking about two different things. I think I understand one of them. I "think" you are talking about what I wrote to Daneka, which is how beautifully AS can be "managed"...learning to perfect a skill also has the added benefit of managing AS. I, on the other hand was not talking about sexuality as two skilled technicians but more two lovers who were emotionally moved and emotionally motivated. It is said, "making love is between the ears, not between the legs." I hope this isn't taken offensively, but more as illustrative. When you said "real men" know, "what women want." This statement to an NT woman makes it seem like you are trying to suggest AS men can access some NT trait in order to provide what women want. Thus my thought, "AS is [or can be] just an inch .....from NT." I believe there is a difference between being skilled in bed and being emotionally present in bed. Again, I mean no offense but an apt example might be of a woman of the night. Sex is her profession, she is skilled, she knows exactly what men want and has the skill to provide it all. Both the woman of the night and her partner for the evening can enjoy very good sex for sure, but neither of them showed up for for the event because they were emotionally attached to each other. I mean no offense, but this was the example that came to mind to try to illustrate what I mean by having a skill vs. being emotionally present. Many AS are not only uncomfortable with the idea of touching or being touched, they would have to overcome some significant theory of mind to allow touch, no less become skilled at it, and I, personally don't think there is a chance of being emotionally present for it, in the NT sense of the words.BTW, I feel the need to clearly state that my opinion on a well developed sexual skill set is a positive one in terms of AS. It's a great thing!Bill Writes:In a later post:Someone suggested I might have started filtering your (Anita's) emails.I have not.Anita Responds:Thank you for clarifying that for both the other person and for me.Regards,Anita, 55 NT