another thought re: boundaries

[Guest guest]

Jennie - I also wanted to say that you might be closer to "explode" point over the issue than you realize. I have found that when something involving my children upsets me, I am often unaware of just how upset I actually am. Then the same thing happens again, and I become Osama bin mama ! Again, speaking up early is my advise.DanekaJanet Zimmerman wrote: AS a parent I too was often annoyed by some people's habit of constantly commenting about what children eat and how they eat etc. Adults don't do that to

each other, nor do they make unsolicited comments about 'my how large you have grown , how big your feet are etc. " I just chalk it up to a cultural habit that some have, feeling it is ok to make these personal comments to and about youth. I think it is condescending and disrespectful... and when I hear someone doing it, I ignore them and change the subject. And I would feel the same way you did at the occasion you told about. there is no use 'explaining' to these people or continuing to discuss the food issues of other diners. I would guess you were not the only one who felt uncomfortable when your children were singled out in this way. It is rude and none of anyone's business. you are so correct. Try changing the subject to one that everyone will feel more comfortable with... " the mashed rutabagas were simply deligtful, where did you learn to prepare them like this... I must have the recipe! cheers, Janet ZEE

Now wondering if I will be critisized for being manipulative ;-) Helen, , This whole thing about learning boundaries has been so helpful to me as well! I was so relieved to learn that it was ok to tell someone I could get back to them later! Also I

learned 'polite' ways of telling people 'no'. Like, "I'm so sorry I've just got so much going on right now. I'd like to do this sometime but it won't work now." Most people don't come back for a second asking, they will wait for you to initiate. So if you really wanted to do it you'd have to go back to them and ask THEM. But then there are those who don't have any boundaries themselves and they will pressure you to do what they want. For them I've come to a couple conclusions... Tell them upfront 'No this won't work'. Then if they get mad at you you'll know you didn't want them mucking up your life with their drama anyway so good riddence! LOL The other is if you come out clearly and say 'no' if they are just struggling with boundaries they will back off then. But speaking of boundaries I wanted to ask folks... Do you think it is breaking someone else's boundaries to sit

and comment on what someone else's kid is or isn't doing? Here's what happened. We were at a friend's house eating dinner. (Just my family, host & hostess and hostess's mother.) My middle daughter got up and left the table she was done eating. The mother started commented to her adult daughter (our hostess) that my daughter hadn't eaten ANYthing. She went on about it some. Which wasn't true first of all but secondly I didn't think it was any of her business. I wasn't sure how to deal with that. It tends to be a bit of an ongoing problem with these folks. I have tried to explain AS to them and food sensitivities but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. They are the sort of folk who will give you the shirt off their back but things HAVE to be their way or the hwy. I'm not sure that they believe I am AS and/or think that I should force my daughters to eat things even though they will puke if they eat it. We don't see them very often so are able to maintain a

facade of being 'close friends'. I know they think of us as close but I don't think of them as close because they don't listen. They will make comments like 'Aren't you going to eat that?' in a very loud voice to the kids. (sounds loud to me) Anyway, what does anyone think would be some ways of dealing with the food for my kids issue? We've told the girls to just eat what they like and push the rest to the edge of their plate and that they aren't going to get in trouble with us. But I would like to just be able to sit down and eat with these people without feeling like we and the kids are going to get picked at through out the meal. Oh and another problem is these folks like to eat very formal so they dish the food onto the girls plates so they end up with way to much to eat even when they do like it. Anyway, just thought this was relevent to the boundaries discussion! What does anyone think/advice/?? Jennie

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Jennie –

I have, on occasion, when someone says “he’s just so skinny”

about my son, I’ll pop off something about their weight, or hair, or height.  It’s

done only after I’ve asked them to not say things.  But it gets the point across. 

Not always nice, but with certain people, it’s effective and sometimes quite

funny. On one occasion, and uncle asked us “why is his hair falling out?”  and

I said “I don’t know, I thought I’d ask you since you seem to have hair loss

mastered!”

-:¦:-

(¯`'•.¸(¯`a Kathleen Simpson´¯)¸.•'´¯)-:¦:-

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Daneka

Wheeler

Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 5:10 PM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: another thought re: boundaries

Jennie - I also wanted to say that you might be closer to

" explode " point over the issue than you realize. I have found

that when something involving my children upsets me, I am often unaware of just

how upset I actually am. Then the same thing happens again, and I become

Osama bin mama ! Again, speaking up early is my advise.

Daneka

Janet Zimmerman wrote:

AS a parent I too was often annoyed by some people's

habit of constantly commenting about what children eat and how they eat etc.

Adults don't do that to each other, nor do they make unsolicited comments

about 'my how large you have grown , how big your feet are etc. " I

just chalk it up to a cultural habit that some have, feeling it is ok to make

these personal comments to and about youth. I think it is condescending

and disrespectful... and when I hear someone doing it, I ignore them and change

the subject. And I would feel the same way you did at the occasion you

told about. there is no use 'explaining' to these people or continuing to

discuss the food issues of other diners. I would guess you were not the

only one who felt uncomfortable when your children were singled out in this

way. It is rude and none of anyone's business. you are so correct.

Try changing the subject to one that everyone will feel more comfortable

with... " the mashed rutabagas were simply deligtful, where did you learn

to prepare them like this... I must have the recipe! cheers, Janet ZEE

Now wondering if I will be critisized for being manipulative ;-)

Helen, ,

This whole thing about learning boundaries has been so helpful to

me as well! I was so relieved to learn that it was ok to tell someone I could

get back to them later! Also I learned 'polite' ways of telling people 'no'.

Like, " I'm so sorry I've just got so much going on right now. I'd like to

do this sometime but it won't work now. " Most people don't come back for a

second asking, they will wait for you to initiate. So if you really wanted to

do it you'd have to go back to them and ask THEM. But then there are those who

don't have any boundaries themselves and they will pressure you to do what they

want. For them I've come to a couple conclusions... Tell them upfront 'No this

won't work'. Then if they get mad at you you'll know you didn't want them

mucking up your life with their drama anyway so good riddence! LOL The other is

if you come out clearly and say 'no' if they are just struggling with

boundaries they will back off then.

But speaking of boundaries I wanted to ask folks... Do you think

it is breaking someone else's boundaries to sit and comment on what someone

else's kid is or isn't doing? Here's what happened. We were at a friend's house

eating dinner. (Just my family, host & hostess and hostess's mother.) My

middle daughter got up and left the table she was done eating. The mother

started commented to her adult daughter (our hostess) that my daughter hadn't

eaten ANYthing. She went on about it some. Which wasn't true first of all but

secondly I didn't think it was any of her business. I wasn't sure how to deal

with that. It tends to be a bit of an ongoing problem with these folks. I have

tried to explain AS to them and food sensitivities but it's like it goes in one

ear and out the other. They are the sort of folk who will give you the shirt

off their back but things HAVE to be their way or the hwy. I'm not sure that

they believe I am AS and/or think that I should force my daughters to eat

things even though they will puke if they eat it. We don't see them very often

so are able to maintain a facade of being 'close friends'. I know they think of

us as close but I don't think of them as close because they don't

listen. They will make comments like 'Aren't you going to eat that?' in a

very loud voice to the kids. (sounds loud to me) Anyway, what does anyone

think would be some ways of dealing with the food for my kids issue? We've told

the girls to just eat what they like and push the rest to the edge of their

plate and that they aren't going to get in trouble with us. But I would like to

just be able to sit down and eat with these people without feeling like we and

the kids are going to get picked at through out the meal. Oh and another

problem is these folks like to eat very formal so they dish the food onto the

girls plates so they end up with way to much to eat even when they do like it.

Anyway, just thought this was relevent to the boundaries discussion! What does

anyone think/advice/??

Jennie

 

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