Re: Is it deliberate?

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Hi good woman,Two things. (1) You're right (of course). Given your description, I can see where AS is involved in why he can't reciprocate. Do you know what it is exactly that causes all that mental bombardment? Here is why I ask. This is a second marriage for me. My first husband, NT, had a similar problem. It turned out to be mechanical, simply solved once we knew how. I am unaware that he had any mental bombardment. So, I'm wondering whether your AS husband is responding to a very common condition in an "uber" way, and that if the underlying mechanical problem could be solved, then the world is good. Sorry if this is overly simplistic.(2) I think you and I have a different visual of AS. I see a normal man with many tentacles, some AS and some NT. When you talk of AS "accessing" NT, I don't follow. Everything you said in your illustration -- walking away from conversations, placing things

exactly -- all struck a familiar chord with me. Yet, at other times, my husband is just like anyone else. I love reading your posts because you're so articulate and so thoughtful. Got to run pick up from school,Danekasrabande wrote: > > > > jenny i think this is what Bill was getting at in his recent posts. > > Knowing where AS ends and non AS begins, Bill is self aware and > knows this distinction, i think Anita and anitas husbands are having a > lot of "a-haaaa" moments and anything that APPEARS to buck thier > current thinking is met with rejection. > > to clarify...yes Anita everything about your AS husbands

61 years > of maladaptive behaviour is "him", what bill is saying, is, in time, > the next step of the process is when you differentiate between what > is AS and what is non AS behaviour then you are getting toward what > jenny has written about, self limiting behaviour and adaptations to > AS. or "knowing the difference" knowing when to help your husband to > adapt, and knowing when he is just being a selfish jerk hiding behind > an AS label. At the moment he is ALL AS. in time , and what i think > bill is getting at is, there is AS behaviour and then there is typical > male behaviour that some with AS can get away with and hide behind the > "disability" just as you need to help your husband to adapt to what he > needs help on, you also need to not let him "fall" into just being a > "jerk" > > > > 36 m diagnosed AS who has learned as much as

Bill has forgotten. > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. >

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Daneka Writes:> Hi good woman,> Two things. > (1) You're right (of course). Given your description, I can see where AS is involved in why he can't reciprocate. Do you know what it is exactly that causes all that mental bombardment? Here is why I ask. This is a second marriage for me. My first husband, NT, had a similar problem. It turned out to be mechanical, simply solved once we knew how. I am unaware that he had any mental bombardment. So, I'm wondering whether your AS husband is responding to a very common condition in an "uber" way, and that if the underlying mechanical problem could be solved, then the world is good. Sorry if this is overly simplistic.Anita Responds:We have Post-It notes stuck in a lot of books and literature we are both reading on Asperger's. Mine are pink, his is blue...:-)Below is a clip from Maxine Aston's book Asperger's in Love:"Adults with Asperger syndrome often find it hard to put a situation in appropriate context. Links made in earlier years can be carried through life if they are not recognized and challenged, and even then may be impossible to change." "For some couples there had been a complete abstinence from sex for many years, sometimes decades. Most of these women felt cheated, undesired and frustrated, and most did not have any idea why their partner could not make love to them. Some of the answers to why this happened came from the AS men I spoke to. Many of these men said that they preferred masturbation to making love with their partners. Asperger syndrome can result in the individual following very solitary pursuits, often having hobbies and interests that only involve themselves. Many adults with AS develop their own way of doing things and enjoy the control this gives them. It is far less complicated to do things alone than it is to involve someone else. It cuts out the difficulty involved in trying to understand and having to accommodate someone else's needs."Daneka, this is how I have come to understand perhaps some of the internal dialogue in AS as it relates to everything, including sexuality. The common condition "premature ejaculation" in the NT population is approached, treated and handled in a totally different way because it does not have it's roots in AS. Two different situations entirely. AS and NT just aren't the same, even though some of the things they may experience are the same. The premature ejaculation is literally the same, but the underlying cause is incredibly different, in the clip Maxine Aston explains the underlying thought process perfectly.Daneka Writes:(2) I think you and I have a different visual of AS. I see a normal man with many tentacles, some AS and some NT. When you talk of AS "accessing" NT, I don't follow. Everything you said in your illustration -- walking away from conversations, placing things exactly -- all struck a familiar chord with me. Yet, at other times, my husband is just like anyone else. I love reading your posts because you're so articulate and so thoughtful. > Got to run pick up from school,> DanekaAnita Responds:Thank you for the compliment, I sort of like writing my posts. It allows me to get down on pixels all the things I am sensing or feeling.I think we do have a different visual of AS. I would prefer not to use the word normal though because it has a tendency to have the opposing word used too...that being abnormal and I wouldn't want to make a normal/abnormal connection with any of this.When I say, "accessing NT" I am usually answering someone who is proffering an ideology that AS and NT can exist in the same person. I don't think AS can reach inside their own head and pull out things that are authentically NT. Perhaps authentic is a better word than "normal." Hmmmm... let's try that.So my most authentic self is NT. It's who I am, it's how I'm wired. My husband's authentic self is AS. It's who he is, it's how he's wired.I do not have the ability to reach inside my head to know authentically what my husband is thinking or what motivates his behavior. I can't do it, it's not possible. What I can do, is ACCEPT he is AS and understand that everything he does comes from the place of his authenticity, which is AS.My husband does not have the ability to reach inside his head to know authentically what I am thinking or feeling or what motivates my behavior. He can't do it, it's not possible. What he can do, is ACCEPT that I am NT and understand everything I do comes from the place of my authenticity, which is NT.I don't think someone's authenticity has tentacles so diametrically opposed. I think AS can apply very nice adaptive behaviors, almost perfect in the courtship stages because the stress and trappings of living together has not occurred. Maxine Aston clearly defines magnificently presented adaptive behavior in her explanations of "Why?" as they relate to Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, CADD, which is an emotional deprivation disorder developed by NT partners of AS.When NT partners ask:

Why did I fall in love with him?

Why did I not notice?

Why did I waste so much energy?

Why did I put up with his ways?

Why did I not take the children and leave?

Why do I still love him?

Why, Why, Why!

The answer to the "why" question is that AS can present very good, sometimes fabulous social behavior depending on how well they learned to mimick NT. For the most part, NT women see nothing odd, except what looks like an infrequent faux pas. It is overlooked, and the relationship continues. After the marriage, AS can't keep up the facade 24/7 and more and more AS behavior starts to become visible. It's like the mask sort of melts away slowly. Add children, business, house maintenance and everyday struggles to the mix and there is no spotlight on this melting mask. Until the behaviors start stacking up because AS has no coping skills for marriage, children, business, home AND, AND, AND......... thus AS becomes more and more distant and less and less capable of explaining away situations that seem to be cropping up all over the place.It's not that some things can "look" NT so therefore they are....it's more like some things can be handled in a VERY adaptive way by AS, thus those things appear to be more NT looking...unfortunately, in everything I have read, it's all still Asperger's.It's in how Asperger's is managed. For some it is impossible to manage, others manage it a little bit, some have a better handle on it, others have a good handle on it, some manage beautifully. The penultimate would be where AS has made management an "AS specialty" and become brilliant at it. So brilliant they can interact with NT and nary a hint of AS would be detected by NT *and* AS would be proud as punch that they are SO knowledgeable and so competent in their "management" they wouldn't feel like they were putting on a facade at all. Their exquisite management would become their rote behavior, their new ritual, the quintessential obsession.To my knowledge, management, is the only thing that can be done with Asperger's. It is my fondest hope and wish that everyone can make it a specialty and be brilliant at it.Regards,Anita 55 NT> > > srabande SRABANDE@... wrote: > > >> > > jenny i think this is what Bill was getting at in his recent posts.> > > Knowing where AS ends and non AS begins, Bill is self aware and> > knows this distinction, i think Anita and anitas husbands are having a> > lot of "a-haaaa" moments and anything that APPEARS to buck thier> > current thinking is met with rejection.> > > to clarify...yes Anita everything about your AS husbands 61 years> > of maladaptive behaviour is "him", what bill is saying, is, in time,> > the next step of the process is when you differentiate between what> > is AS and what is non AS behaviour then you are getting toward what> > jenny has written about, self limiting behaviour and adaptations to> > AS. or "knowing the difference" knowing when to help your husband to> > adapt, and knowing when he is just being a selfish jerk hiding behind> > an AS label. At the moment he is ALL AS. in time , and what i think> > bill is getting at is, there is AS behaviour and then there is typical> > male behaviour that some with AS can get away with and hide behind the> > "disability" just as you need to help your husband to adapt to what he> > needs help on, you also need to not let him "fall" into just being a> > "jerk"> > > > > > 36 m diagnosed AS who has learned as much as Bill has> forgotten.> > > > > > > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------> > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. > Try it now.> >> > > > > > > ---------------------------------> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.>

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Soon, my ex-wife will know that I have Asperger's. Ode of Joy what

her reaction will be when she finds out (courtesy of my most recent

ex-girlfriend, who suggested I tell my ex-wife that I have

Asperger's). I don't know what the ex-wife's reaction will be or

anything else, and I hope I have not opened up a horrific can of

worms. When I write my ex-wife that letter in about a week, I'll be

very open to her about it. But, it'll be difficult to know how to go

about including what in the letter. I know it's all about what I am

comfortable sharing. Then the ex-wife told me via e-mail this

evening that Bob (best friend for 15+ years until I lost contact with

him) wants to talk to me like very soon. However, I don't feel like

talking to him over the telephone/cell phone about much with

Asperger's. Knowing him (if he hasn't changed any), he'll use

religion to tell me how " the devil afflicted me " with Asperger's and

that I might need to repent of something *sigh*.

Almost makes me wish I hadn't met my most recent ex-girlfriend

earlier this year. But, the truth is the truth, and I need to be

open with everyone about my Asperger's and AD/HD. If people can't

accept me for me, it's their loss not mine. I'm going forward in my

future. If everyone else wants to put me down with having Asperger's

or whatever, I refuse to be around negative energy. I want to live

my life to its fullest potential that I am fully capable.

On the brighter side of things, I will be working on a permanent

basis on Monday with the same company that I had been temp'ing

through an employment firm for about the past three months. I felt

relieved after my boss offered me a permanent position and was very

pleased with the amount of progress I had made. He made it very

clear about how quickly I will pick up on the other things involved

in the hardware distribution industry rather quickly. I feel that

way myself. I'm just in a good place right now, just watching

everyone doing what they do as I am providing support to a couple of

people. That part of my life is turning out wonderfully. I was

talking with this one woman earlier today, and she told me about an

arts and crafts thing which I may attend tomorrow if time permits for

it.

Thanks all,

Anita writes:

> When NT partners ask:

>

> * Why did I fall in love with him?

> * Why did I not notice?

> * Why did I waste so much energy?

> * Why did I put up with his ways?

> * Why did I not take the children and leave?

> * Why do I still love him?

> * Why, Why, Why!

> The answer to the " why " question is that AS can present very good,

> sometimes fabulous social behavior depending on how well they

learned to

> mimick NT. For the most part, NT women see nothing odd, except what

> looks like an infrequent faux pas. It is overlooked, and the

> relationship continues. After the marriage, AS can't keep up the

facade

> 24/7 and more and more AS behavior starts to become visible. It's

like

> the mask sort of melts away slowly.