Re: Telling Other People - To

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for sharing the things that are occurring in your life. I'm

not sure what your ex-girlfriend's motivation is in telling you to

reveal your Asperger's diagnosis to your ex-wife.

I think it would be beneficial to you (and perhaps the list) to sort

of ponder the question of " who to tell, and why? " If she is your

ex-wife and you don't have commonalities anymore (children, property,

business dealings, etc.) and you are not comfortable talking to her

about these things, well...you see where I am going with this. I

can't see the benefit.

Your ex-girlfriend " might " be feeling that you should tell your

ex-wife so she can fix a " reason " to the breakup of your marriage and

that might be the motivation. I still don't think it is anyone's

business at this point but your own and whoever you choose to date.

It seems you told your ex-girlfriend about the AS dx and I think that

is the right thing to do.

The other thing you mentioned about the male you lost contact with, is

the reason I recoiled (as well as Daneka) when the word " demonize " was

used. There are people who attribute EVERYTHING to the devine and

while that may the persons faith (and they are entitled to it)....it

gets really difficult when those beliefs are thrust upon someone else.

It's gets more difficult when a stigma is attached to it as you

described. I'd pass on communicating with that guy too.

You seem to be on a nice track, moving at a pace that is comfy for you

and having lovely success along the way. I think you should just keep

doing what you are doing, enjoy knitting and congratulations on having

your temp job made permanent!

Regards,

Anita NT 55

>

> Soon, my ex-wife will know that I have Asperger's. Ode of Joy what

> her reaction will be when she finds out (courtesy of my most recent

> ex-girlfriend, who suggested I tell my ex-wife that I have

> Asperger's). I don't know what the ex-wife's reaction will be or

> anything else, and I hope I have not opened up a horrific can of

> worms. When I write my ex-wife that letter in about a week, I'll be

> very open to her about it. But, it'll be difficult to know how to go

> about including what in the letter. I know it's all about what I am

> comfortable sharing. Then the ex-wife told me via e-mail this

> evening that Bob (best friend for 15+ years until I lost contact with

> him) wants to talk to me like very soon. However, I don't feel like

> talking to him over the telephone/cell phone about much with

> Asperger's. Knowing him (if he hasn't changed any), he'll use

> religion to tell me how " the devil afflicted me " with Asperger's and

> that I might need to repent of something *sigh*.

>

> Almost makes me wish I hadn't met my most recent ex-girlfriend

> earlier this year. But, the truth is the truth, and I need to be

> open with everyone about my Asperger's and AD/HD. If people can't

> accept me for me, it's their loss not mine. I'm going forward in my

> future. If everyone else wants to put me down with having Asperger's

> or whatever, I refuse to be around negative energy. I want to live

> my life to its fullest potential that I am fully capable.

>

> On the brighter side of things, I will be working on a permanent

> basis on Monday with the same company that I had been temp'ing

> through an employment firm for about the past three months. I felt

> relieved after my boss offered me a permanent position and was very

> pleased with the amount of progress I had made. He made it very

> clear about how quickly I will pick up on the other things involved

> in the hardware distribution industry rather quickly. I feel that

> way myself. I'm just in a good place right now, just watching

> everyone doing what they do as I am providing support to a couple of

> people. That part of my life is turning out wonderfully. I was

> talking with this one woman earlier today, and she told me about an

> arts and crafts thing which I may attend tomorrow if time permits for

> it.

>

> Thanks all,

>

>

> Anita writes:

> > When NT partners ask:

> >

> > * Why did I fall in love with him?

> > * Why did I not notice?

> > * Why did I waste so much energy?

> > * Why did I put up with his ways?

> > * Why did I not take the children and leave?

> > * Why do I still love him?

> > * Why, Why, Why!

> > The answer to the " why " question is that AS can present very good,

> > sometimes fabulous social behavior depending on how well they

> learned to

> > mimick NT. For the most part, NT women see nothing odd, except what

> > looks like an infrequent faux pas. It is overlooked, and the

> > relationship continues. After the marriage, AS can't keep up the

> facade

> > 24/7 and more and more AS behavior starts to become visible. It's

> like

> > the mask sort of melts away slowly.

>

[Guest guest]

, I agree with everything Anita advised! You do not have to

disclose to everyone. That is something that will take awhile for you

to be able to discern - when and when not to tell. In my experience,

closest trusted friends only and only if it helps to explain

something that might otherwise be a problem area. For example, I have

a very close friend who likes to go to a popular coffee shop. I on

the other hand can't stand them because the acoustics of the place

are terrible (all the franchises have almost identical construction)

they are ALWAYS crowded, and I can not hear anything that is being

said. After awhile the noise overwhelms my senses and I feel myself

going a bit " offish. " To MOST folks I would just make an excuse to

pass on going to the place but my closest girlfriend understands that

particular coffee shop is just NOT my idea of enjoyment due to my

mild autism. An ordinary diner will do. Coffee is not fancy but at

least I can hear her talk. <smile!>

- Helen

At 12:31 PM 12/15/2007, Anita wrote:

>,

>

>Thank you for sharing the things that are occurring in your life. I'm

>not sure what your ex-girlfriend's motivation is in telling you to

>reveal your Asperger's diagnosis to your ex-wife.

>

>I think it would be beneficial to you (and perhaps the list) to sort

>of ponder the question of " who to tell, and why? " If she is your

>ex-wife and you don't have commonalities anymore (children, property,

>business dealings, etc.) and you are not comfortable talking to her

>about these things, well...you see where I am going with this. I

>can't see the benefit.

>

>Your ex-girlfriend " might " be feeling that you should tell your

>ex-wife so she can fix a " reason " to the breakup of your marriage and

>that might be the motivation. I still don't think it is anyone's

>business at this point but your own and whoever you choose to date.

>It seems you told your ex-girlfriend about the AS dx and I think that

>is the right thing to do.

>

>The other thing you mentioned about the male you lost contact with, is

>the reason I recoiled (as well as Daneka) when the word " demonize " was

>used. There are people who attribute EVERYTHING to the devine and

>while that may the persons faith (and they are entitled to it)....it

>gets really difficult when those beliefs are thrust upon someone else.

>It's gets more difficult when a stigma is attached to it as you

>described. I'd pass on communicating with that guy too.

>

>You seem to be on a nice track, moving at a pace that is comfy for you

>and having lovely success along the way. I think you should just keep

>doing what you are doing, enjoy knitting and congratulations on having

>your temp job made permanent!

>

>Regards,

>Anita NT 55

[Guest guest]

Hello Anita...

I am very happy to share the things that I have said so far with this

group. I am grateful in knowing that the group was willing to take a

chance and listen to what's been happening with me.

I told my ex-wife via e-mail generally about me but did not go into

any details. Although I mentioned to her that I would send a letter

about my AS, I am undecided at this point if I will follow through

with that or not. Told her if she gave my former ex-best friend my

telephone number, I would have no more contact with her (other than

making monthly payments as ascribed in my divorce settlement with

her - I'll just leave it at that). She agreed to it, fully. She has

my telephone number, in the event she wants to wonder why I am not

making any monthly payments. It's her way of reminding me if I don't

make payments that she'll take me to court. Good thing is, she's

never called once and I keep making my monthly payments, consistently.

Once my side of the divorce agreement is fulfilled completely, I am

most likely going to sever communication with her as well and change

my telephone number.

By the way, I am very proud to admit that I am unlike so many other

men who doesn't pay their ex's a single cent with a mandated court

order to pay off any debts incurred during a marriage. Working very

hard to make sure I have that paid off in full within the next 3-5

years.

As for the guy, I won't talk to him via telephone. If he wants to

get in contact with me, he'll have to write. I feel very confident

and in control of my decisions with this situation. If he chooses to

demonize me, he will be receiving a " letter of termination " and I

will have no more contact with him, ever.

I have an incredible amount of support here in the group and in the

Greater Chattanooga area. I find the people at the congregation I

attend to be extremely supportive of me and make me feel like " one of

the crowd. "

You wrote, " You seem to be on a nice track, moving at a pace that is

comfy for you and having lovely success along the way. I think you

should just keep doing what you are doing, enjoy knitting and

congratulations on having your temp job made permanent! "

** Thank you, Anita. I have come a far way from being dx'd back in

August or early September. I knew that I would face my own adversity

in this, but I have moved forward. I had a terrible experience

wrapping up gifts yesterday and will revert back to using gift cards

except for anything I knit that I send as a gift. I feel great

knowing my job placement became permanent. I'll know tomorrow

(Monday) morning what, if any, pay raise I will receive.

Regards,

Dx in 2007 at 40

> >

> > Soon, my ex-wife will know that I have Asperger's. Ode of Joy

what

> > her reaction will be when she finds out (courtesy of my most

recent

> > ex-girlfriend, who suggested I tell my ex-wife that I have

> > Asperger's). I don't know what the ex-wife's reaction will be or

> > anything else, and I hope I have not opened up a horrific can of

> > worms. When I write my ex-wife that letter in about a week, I'll

be

> > very open to her about it. But, it'll be difficult to know how

to go

> > about including what in the letter. I know it's all about what

I am

> > comfortable sharing. Then the ex-wife told me via e-mail this

> > evening that Bob (best friend for 15+ years until I lost contact

with

> > him) wants to talk to me like very soon. However, I don't feel

like

> > talking to him over the telephone/cell phone about much with

> > Asperger's. Knowing him (if he hasn't changed any), he'll use

> > religion to tell me how " the devil afflicted me " with Asperger's

and

> > that I might need to repent of something *sigh*.

> >

> > Almost makes me wish I hadn't met my most recent ex-girlfriend

> > earlier this year. But, the truth is the truth, and I need to be

> > open with everyone about my Asperger's and AD/HD. If people

can't

> > accept me for me, it's their loss not mine. I'm going forward in

my

> > future. If everyone else wants to put me down with having

Asperger's

> > or whatever, I refuse to be around negative energy. I want to

live

> > my life to its fullest potential that I am fully capable.

> >

> > On the brighter side of things, I will be working on a permanent

> > basis on Monday with the same company that I had been temp'ing

> > through an employment firm for about the past three months. I

felt

> > relieved after my boss offered me a permanent position and was

very

> > pleased with the amount of progress I had made. He made it very

> > clear about how quickly I will pick up on the other things

involved

> > in the hardware distribution industry rather quickly. I feel

that

> > way myself. I'm just in a good place right now, just watching

> > everyone doing what they do as I am providing support to a couple

of

> > people. That part of my life is turning out wonderfully. I was

> > talking with this one woman earlier today, and she told me about

an

> > arts and crafts thing which I may attend tomorrow if time permits

for

> > it.

> >

> > Thanks all,

> >

> >

> > Anita writes:

> > > When NT partners ask:

> > >

> > > * Why did I fall in love with him?

> > > * Why did I not notice?

> > > * Why did I waste so much energy?

> > > * Why did I put up with his ways?

> > > * Why did I not take the children and leave?

> > > * Why do I still love him?

> > > * Why, Why, Why!

> > > The answer to the " why " question is that AS can present very

good,

> > > sometimes fabulous social behavior depending on how well they

> > learned to

> > > mimick NT. For the most part, NT women see nothing odd, except

what

> > > looks like an infrequent faux pas. It is overlooked, and the

> > > relationship continues. After the marriage, AS can't keep up

the

> > facade

> > > 24/7 and more and more AS behavior starts to become visible.

It's

> > like

> > > the mask sort of melts away slowly.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Helen....

As much as I mentioned about disclosing whatever, I will be setting

boundaries in the very near future as to what you suggested. Thank

you for that suggestion. I'm not going to just tell anyone. That

would be absurd. There's plenty of people out there who have no idea

what AS is about and would think I had problems and the like if I

disclosed.

Yes, you're right in that I'll know in due time when and when not to

disclose. Thanks for sharing your experiences about the coffee shop.

Also, I know that I won't have to say " yes " to every request as

well. The other day, I was invited to go this arts and crafts thing

and said to the person that I might consider stopping by blah blah

blah. Didn't feel like going that next day, so I had no problems

whatsoever. One boundary I have set already is that I will go with

what I am most comfortable and when to do so. Work is one thing.

But personal time is another and that I can choose.

Smiles,

> >,

> >

> >Thank you for sharing the things that are occurring in your life.

I'm

> >not sure what your ex-girlfriend's motivation is in telling you to

> >reveal your Asperger's diagnosis to your ex-wife.

> >

> >I think it would be beneficial to you (and perhaps the list) to

sort

> >of ponder the question of " who to tell, and why? " If she is your

> >ex-wife and you don't have commonalities anymore (children,

property,

> >business dealings, etc.) and you are not comfortable talking to her

> >about these things, well...you see where I am going with this. I

> >can't see the benefit.

> >

> >Your ex-girlfriend " might " be feeling that you should tell your

> >ex-wife so she can fix a " reason " to the breakup of your marriage

and

> >that might be the motivation. I still don't think it is anyone's

> >business at this point but your own and whoever you choose to date.

> >It seems you told your ex-girlfriend about the AS dx and I think

that

> >is the right thing to do.

> >

> >The other thing you mentioned about the male you lost contact

with, is

> >the reason I recoiled (as well as Daneka) when the word " demonize "

was

> >used. There are people who attribute EVERYTHING to the devine and

> >while that may the persons faith (and they are entitled to

it)....it

> >gets really difficult when those beliefs are thrust upon someone

else.

> >It's gets more difficult when a stigma is attached to it as you

> >described. I'd pass on communicating with that guy too.

> >

> >You seem to be on a nice track, moving at a pace that is comfy for

you

> >and having lovely success along the way. I think you should just

keep

> >doing what you are doing, enjoy knitting and congratulations on

having

> >your temp job made permanent!

> >

> >Regards,

> >Anita NT 55

>