RE: a/

[Guest guest]

Newland wrote: a: Your feeling are shared by many me here: reminds me of a britney speers song. ooops i did it again. you

said: and this is why a mixed community and relationships can be so hard at times. I can't speak for , but he means well. Part of being AS is a communication challenge. Some can be blunt and brutally honest but I think if you knew way back than, you would realize this is a softer version and he is trying to be honest and help. This is part of what families and our community deal with every day. I am making no excuses of why his words offended you and I taught my kids if your words offend anyone, they are offensive. Plain and simple. End of story. It does not matter if this was YOUR intent. It is called life. We are all here to learn. : the ball is in YOUR court. Did

you mean your words to offend or help? -or- if given the chance, can you re-word them?????? Just me. Me here: cant see how i offended shawna or anita. i do apologise if i did. 36 m diagnosed AS

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[Guest guest]

Me here:

cant see how i offended shawna or anita.

i do apologise if i did.

36 m diagnosed AS

: This is a life lesson. We all offend people AS or NS with our thoughts and feelings at times as it is called life. It is just the way life is. To be able to say I am sorry whether we mean it or not, is a people skill that will serve us all well. It is just being polite and considerate of someone else's feeling that are polar opposite to ours. I respectfully disagree and here is why... etc. is more socially acceptable than hitting someone over the head with a 2 x 4 to make a point that is only held by you in the room at the time.

Good job.

Just me.

[Guest guest]

here

cant see

how i offended shawna or anita.

i do

apologise if i did.

Me now:

I don’t think it was so much an offense thing, more the

result of an uneducated guess. And in that same way, we’re all

uneducated. I haven’t ever walked in anyone else’s shoes

(good thing, I can barely walk in my own). So any assumption I try to

make about what they are thinking and feeling is simply an uneducated guess. So

when I hear someone saying something along the lines of “you don’t

know what you’re talking about,” it just shows how uneducated of a

guess they are making. I think my trigger was that many with AS think

that when someone NT asks questions, they’re trying to “stir the

pot,” and that’s usually not the case. One person’s way

of investigating a situation may differ from another’s, and only that

person truly knows the intent of what they are doing. It’s

something my husband and I have had to work on – when I’m

questioning or coming back with other examples, I’m not trying to stir up

trouble, it’s just how I find answers. Each person’s path to

understanding AS is different, let’s not judge the road we take. No

offense taken, . But thank you for your graciousness.

a

[Guest guest]

a, Thank you for putting into words how those last lines of 's post felt to me. I didn't hit the reply button on that post, clip it down to those last lines and have a footie match with . Firstly, because his assumption was incorrect, I don't enjoy "combat" and secondly (perhaps more importantly), I think the real academia on this subject is uncovered because these things happen, especially between NT and AS.I mean, people are here because of the extraordinary communication difficulties between AS and NT. Why on earth would any of us have an expectation that things would be any different on a discussion list than face to face? It's what it is., actually makes many of my points during the times he lashes out at me, Bill as well. No matter how much scholarship and academia they wish to imbue to the list, when all is said and done, the delivery of that information can be socially maladaptive. They aren't aware it is, nor do they understand how it can be felt by others. It just gets blurted out and left to sit, which is a very common occurrence in AS communication which I daresay every NT on this list can attest to.Every single time I read the "digs" at me, I am once again reminded the conversation is coming from AS and both and Bill are helping me in a ways I don't think they'd considered. They are helping me understand that it is extremely important for me to remember that no matter how academic and authoritative the information appears, it is very possible that the learned communicative skill set could break down at any time during the exchange. In therapy, my husband and I used to refer to it as the "sabotage." Sabotage turned out to be a very inadequate and misplaced characterization. It "felt" like sabotage as it usually came *after* what seemed very socially acceptable, scholarly, sometimes very witty conversation. Then it was like, "why on earth would you have to say THAT, immediately following such a well thought, interesting and pleasant exchange?" It wasn't sabotage, it was more related to how long my husband had to "stuff" his AS behavior in order to put forth an idea, opinion or comment. If the subject was particularly stressful for him, that "parting shot" or "sabotage" would come sooner rather than later. If he were able to keep it under control and have a more give and take exchange, the "parting shot" would come later.Overall, we've learned that the insensitive or offensive "parting shot" was guaranteed to a greater or lesser degree, because the skill set couldn't sustain itself. That's another reason the diagnosis was AS.This all helps me in ways I cannot express my gratitude for. It allows me to learn to ignore the breakdown of the skill set to understand when AS saturation point has been reached. It also hints that the breakdown of the communicative skill set can occur 4 months into a Dx or years into it. I must accept this and be vigilant to not have unrealistic expectations. I believe both and Bill have always been kind to apologize afterward and I applaud their ability and willingness to do so.Thank you again a....this is very difficult on all of us, as you said, it's like Reader's Digest, it's worth the purchase, but it isn't necessarily palatable from cover to cover. I think I'll keep my Reader's Digest subscription though, because even in the most unpleasant of it, there is much to learn :-)Regards,Anita 55 NT>> here> > cant see how i offended shawna or anita.> > i do apologise if i did.> > > > Me now:> > > > I don't think it was so much an offense thing, more the result of an> uneducated guess. And in that same way, we're all uneducated. I haven't> ever walked in anyone else's shoes (good thing, I can barely walk in my> own). So any assumption I try to make about what they are thinking and> feeling is simply an uneducated guess. So when I hear someone saying> something along the lines of "you don't know what you're talking about," it> just shows how uneducated of a guess they are making. I think my trigger> was that many with AS think that when someone NT asks questions, they're> trying to "stir the pot," and that's usually not the case. One person's way> of investigating a situation may differ from another's, and only that person> truly knows the intent of what they are doing. It's something my husband> and I have had to work on - when I'm questioning or coming back with other> examples, I'm not trying to stir up trouble, it's just how I find answers.> Each person's path to understanding AS is different, let's not judge the> road we take. No offense taken, . But thank you for your> graciousness.> > > > a>