Guest guest Posted November 25, 2007 Report Share Posted November 25, 2007 Delyth Bolt wrote: On Sunday, November 25, 2007, at 12:41 AM, david bailey wrote:> yes that need of nt's to connect, i know i dont have it. - I am interested in this comment of yours.I understand the word 'connect' to mean to develop a relationship with someone else.From my perspective I see that you do have a need to connect - for example, you have a girlfriend and I think I remember you have a strong bond with your son.So here comes another question...What do you mean when you use the word 'connect' in the phrase above?me here: yes deleth the emphasis is on the word....need, not the word connect. i do connect with my girlfriend and true, there is a very strong connection with my son. i once told a girlfriend that i was just as happy being with her as i was being alone. she left. she said it was the wrong response. she will never know what a "compliment" that statement was from me. i prefer to be on my own. i never had a need to connect . i have always had a preference to be alone. NT people have a need to connect and they will try to manipulate this connection because stronger than an urge to connect in nt's is an urge to manipulate this connection. it is for this reason i prefer to be on my own and avoid nt's who display these urges. but i have a connection to be with my gf but not a need to be with her. i have a very strong connection with my AS son. and there is an absolute urge to connect with him and to manipulate this connection to prepare him for the vagaries of life in an NT dominated (for now) world. hope this answers your question: 36 m diagnosed AS likes to be alone. . For ideas on reducing your carbon footprint visit Yahoo! For Good this month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2007 Report Share Posted November 26, 2007 , I wanted to thank you for the post the other day in regard to questions being answered with a question. My udx husband, after being in his own thought processes for some time will ask me a question. Since I am not aware of what those thought processes are, the question seems totally out in left field to me. I have to ask a question to find out what he is talking about and it makes him very angry. Sometimes he will just say, " Oh, just forget it! " You helped me to understand the situation. In the future, before I ask a question, I will try to just think for a minute and try to match his question with something I think he might have been thinking about. If I am off base, he will let me know. What do you think? In regard to today's post, I have a comment about NTs and their expectation in regard to relationships. Since I was unaware of my husband's difficulties with intimacy before we were married, it came as a shock to me to find out how uncomfortable it made him. This being my 2nd marriage and his first, I assumed something was wrong with me. It takes a while for nts to find out that they and their spouse may not want the same thing out of marriage. It still hurts me after 23 years of marriage to know he has no desire to touch me except for a brotherly hug at times. During this time have I been manipulative (which sounds evil to me) or just wanting a satifying relationship with my husband and not knowing how to achieve that? Isn't he somewhat responsible for pretending to have the same feelings and then sort of dropping me like a hot potato as soon as we had a child? It is hard for me to just accept this and not get angry at times when I feel so lonely. I know it is not his fault that I need intimacy and he doesn't, but I make so many efforts to accomodate his needs that it seems like he should want to do the same thing if he loves me. I have come to see over time that his lack of attention is not intentional - it's like you said - the need just isn't there, so it is not on his mind at all. Thanks for your insight, Carol > > > yes that need of nt's to connect, i know i dont have it. > > - I am interested in this comment of yours. > > I understand the word 'connect' to mean to develop a relationship with > someone else. > From my perspective I see that you do have a need to connect - for > example, you have a girlfriend and I think I remember you have a strong > bond with your son. > > So here comes another question... > > What do you mean when you use the word 'connect' in the phrase above? > > me here: > > yes deleth the emphasis is on the word....need, not the word connect. > > i do connect with my girlfriend and true, there is a very strong connection with my son. i once told a girlfriend that i was just as happy being with her as i was being alone. > she left. she said it was the wrong response. she will never know what a " compliment " that statement was from me. i prefer to be on my own. > > i never had a need to connect . i have always had a preference to be alone. > > NT people have a need to connect and they will try to manipulate this connection because stronger than an urge to connect in nt's is an urge to manipulate this connection. it is for this reason i prefer to be on my own and avoid nt's who display these urges. but i have a connection to be with my gf but not a need to be with her. i have a very strong connection with my AS son. and there is an absolute urge to connect with him and to manipulate this connection to prepare him for the vagaries of life in an NT dominated (for now) world. > > > hope this answers your question: > > 36 m diagnosed AS likes to be alone. > > > Recent Activity > > 2 > New Members > > Visit Your Group > Healthy Eating > A Yahoo! Group > for families on > how to eat healthy. > > Yahoo! Health > Looking for Love? > Find relationship > advice and answers. > > Need traffic? > Drive customers > With search ads > on Yahoo! > > > > . > > > > > > --------------------------------- > For ideas on reducing your carbon footprint visit Yahoo! For Good this month. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2007 Report Share Posted November 26, 2007 carol said: ,I wanted to thank you for the post the other day in regard to questionsbeing answered with a question. My udx husband, after being in his ownthought processes for some time will ask me a question. Since I am notaware of what those thought processes are, the question seems totallyout in left field to me. I have to ask a question to find out what heis talking about and it makes him very angry. Sometimes he will justsay, "Oh, just forget it!" You helped me to understand the situation. In the future, before I ask a question, I will try to just think for aminute and try to match his question with something I think he mighthave been thinking about. If I am off base, he will let me know. Whatdo you think? me here: see below, i think your wrong...try this, answer his question with either yes, no or i dont know. me here; my Gf complains the same. she claims to need clarification before she can answer a question. yes i will sit there and think up something really important to me like a cure for aids, a solution to world peace or how to prevent global warming. and depending on her answer to a seemingly innocuous question....like. whats on tv tonight? in my mind i am linking up how i can relate my thoughts on world problems to what is currently happening around me. im thinking if there is something good on tv later i can plan to cure aids now, watch tv later and decide what to do about world peace in the morning. but when she answer my question with : what do you want to watch? i go INSANE. the cure for aids is gone, world peace will have to wait a little while longer and glogal warming has increased due to the amount of steam coming out of my ears. i realise that if i ask her........if a tree falls in a forest will anybody hear? she has no idea that in my head i have worked my mind up into a frenzy of activity to link the answer to this questiont to about 6 or 7 other scenarios in my head, in my world. at that point on my whole mindset is waiting, in slow motion , my brain wont breathe my thought s cannot proceed until i get an answer from her to my question. she can say either : yes......no.....or i dont know. and there, thats all i need. an answer. if she asks a ...i dont understand, i need clarification type question to my question, i go insane. the other night i asked her what we were having for dinner.....she replied scallops, brussell sprouts and brocolli. i asked what about "ding ding" the name i use for microwave rice (uncle bens it is called) she replied...or you can have salad. i said ding ding again. she looked at me. do you want ding ding? i said ding ding? she stopped and looked at me and at this stage the froth was coming out of my mouth and all i could say was ding ding? she recalled the conversation prior to me repeating ding ding. and she said: yes david we can have ding ding if you want. we both breathed a sigh of relief as a meltdown was avoided and she answered my question. non AS people find it enourmously difficult to answer any question without an emotional context or without presuming a hidden meaning to it or an inference and they will resond accordingly to the absolute annoyance of me. try this.....answer the question. i usually make the response one of 3. yes no i dont know. this is all i need. can i change? yeah i can...but you learn to hold your breath for 10 minutes first. i need an answer like you need oxygen. it is how i am. you said: In regard to today's post, I have a comment about NTs and theirexpectation in regard to relationships. Since I was unaware of myhusband's difficulties with intimacy before we were married, it came asa shock to me to find out how uncomfortable it made him. This being my2nd marriage and his first, I assumed something was wrong with me. Ittakes a while for nts to find out that they and their spouse may notwant the same thing out of marriage. It still hurts me after 23 yearsof marriage to know he has no desire to touch me except for a brotherlyhug at times. During this time have I been manipulative (which soundsevil to me) or just wanting a satifying relationship with my husband andnot knowing how to achieve that? Isn't he somewhat responsible forpretending to have the same feelings and then sort of dropping me like ahot potato as soon as we had a child? It is hard for me to just acceptthis and not get angry at times when I feel so lonely. I know it is nothis fault that I need intimacy and he doesn't, but I make so manyefforts to accomodate his needs that it seems like he should want to dothe same thing if he loves me. I have come to see over time that hislack of attention is not intentional - it's like you said - the needjust isn't there, so it is not on his mind at all.Thanks for your insight,Carol |me here: i enjoy intimacy with my GF. this is all i can say that is appropriate. 36 m diagnosed AS . For ideas on reducing your carbon footprint visit Yahoo! For Good this month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.