RE: April's work/Loss....etc./Steve's mom

[Guest guest]

April

I just got an awareness from this.

I can love my mom (and I do very much). And I can have trouble and

discomfort about connecting with her. They both can exist. Having the

second doesn't negate the first. When I mix them I create all kinds of

guilt and resentment.

So, at this moment, I love my mom and I choose to stay away for now.

thank you

steve

April's work/Loss....etc.

I recently had a loss of a sweet pet. This is actually how I got to the

stuff.

I was devastated (all over again, as if the whole marriage blow up, and

subsequent addictions were not enough drama in my life!).

I have heard that each loss if not allowed to be realized is just added

to the next and it is a whammy! I am seeing so many triggers going off

now! Wow! Ok, well I lost my father when I was 16. He had cancer and

died. My kid is 16 and her dad just won't show for her! They don't

even have a " grandfather " as he is dead. No good male role model.no

loving father figure.

Well, therapy was a mixed bag. I found myself again, I was hiding! I

don't like the message I received that *unless I fix myself I will get

to watch " me " in my kids suffering over and over again* as they will be

my mirror images. This one makes me nervous. I try so hard to be

" good " for them. I apparently have not been very healthy to be in such

a sick marriage and then I was not " there " enough etc for the kids. OH

my therapist really wanted to drive in the *rush* for me fixing me and

what seemed like *everything* so I tread with light feet.so afraid of

making a mistake with them. I was told I was enmeshed well damn if he

didn't really set that one in stone! I am at times frozen worried that

I am screwing my kids up! They are me, I am them.if that isn't

enmeshed! LOL

Well, last year I was " talked into " getting these little birds. My kids

wanted them badly. I figured that loving these pets would be good for

them. (me) We chose them, waited for them to wean, the breeder got sick

went into ICU, all the birds but ours died, I went and got them, they

were half dead, I fed them with syringe for weeks every 90 minutes and

they lived! Ta-Da! ( I am worthy, I saved them)

Last month I had to put the female down. It was horrible! A vet on ER

call was checking her out for me..and gave her a pneumonia. She was

tiny. I spent 3 weeks at home with an oxygen tent trying to save her.

I had respiratory therapy teach me how to do inhalation therapy with

her. My vet got experimental drugs from a raptor rescue center.we did

everything we could and more. She just lost too much weight. I had to

put her down last month. She meant so much! I was shocked at my loss

and my despair. I could love this little bird and I would not hurt her.

I could love her and laugh and know she would not leave me for someone

else. I could be totally me and not worry that she would eventually

mirror image my suffering. It was really very sweet. She shared my

morning toast and would roll her face on my cheek. She was so sweet and

loving. She just gave and gave.

Well, I was sad! I have a friend that has been with the stuff for

years. She helped me and it is because of her that I even found this

stuff. She talked with me and I realized that all that loving stuff

wasn't just the bird. It was ME too. I had not lost that love with my

little " teacher " it was ME all the time! I was part of that equation!

I am capable of that. I can have that every day if I want it!

The mirror image that I had with the bird was beautiful and I sure liked

it. Sure I miss her physical being but she is never gone. I have

memories and the lesson is still new to me but will grow with time. I

started to see that all love is idea and thought. I mean my oldest kid

is out on her own she is not here in my room. I still love her. I love

her because of my thoughts. Whispy, my bird is not here in my living

room, I still love her because of my thoughts. My dad is not here. I

still love him because of my thoughts. If taken directly none of these

are different. Sure I could say that I am attached to what I " will " get

in the future with my daughter as she is not dead, yet I do not " know "

what I will get in the future.

I am so grateful for both the experience of that little 2 ounce bird and

also her death. I am working on so much now because of her and I

realized that I didn't screw her up with loving her. I love my kids and

I CAN just love them. I still worry that they can get hurt, but we talk

about it. They laugh and know many of my " problem areas " . Sometimes

I do have to ask them, " is this worry real. " I don't know if that is

OK, but for now I need their feedback. They usually get a kick out of

it. I feel better when they laugh at me!

April