new member(long... sorry)

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I am new to the group. I am a 31 year old female, only child, of a

single BPD mother. We have been estranged for 4 years now. Not a

word exchanged. Growing up there was a string of abusive men in and

out of her life, but for the most part it was just the two of us.

Our relationship was all encompassing. She is an active prescription

drug user and alcoholic. Things were always bad as far as verbal and

physical abuse (as well as sexual, but not by her) but when I was 10

the man she had told was my father left and she started taking

prescription meds and then in my freshman year of highschool she

started drinking again. Things just took a downward spiral with each

of these events. I left home at 18, married a man that I knew

wouldn't make waves or stand up to her, and continued to allow her to

control every aspect of my life with her manipulations. At 27 we

attempted an intervention for the drugs and alcohol that her sister

intiated. I did not want to do it, knew it was pointless. It went

terribly and a couple of weeks later she called the doc I work for on

the weekend and lied to get a prescription from him. This was not

the first time she had done this. I cut her out of my life and told

her until she was clean I wanted nothing to do with her. She has

never spoken to me again. As dumb as it sounds I was shocked. I

was not prepared at all. It seemed like the final neon sign

screaming at me that, Wow my own mother really doesn't love me. That

thought still crosses my mind frequently. I *know* that is a

reflection of her ability to love, not worthiness, but that isn't how

it feels..... on those rare occasions that I allow myself to think

about it.

After the estrangement my marriage fell apart. I am divorced now.

My life is back on track and I am very happy in many ways. My

extended family has cut me off in support of my mother, and I do not

know who my father is. I have almost no friends as I grew up not

bringing anyone home for fear of humilation, and now don't seem to

know how to let anyone near me. It is very lonely in alot of ways.

I am scared of alot of things as I rebuild my new life. Afraid of

ending up isolated and alone. Afraid of becoming an addict like she

is. Afraid of what people would think of me if they knew the things

I had done with and for her (ie shoplifting throughout my childhood

with her encouragement, helping with meds etc....) I am terrified to

have children and 98% of the time convince myself I don't want them.

But I am afraid I will regret that, but I am also afraid I will be a

terrible mother. My therapist seemed to feel very strongly that I

have repressed many childhood memories, and I am afraid that having

kids might trigger them. And also that most likely my mother will

die with our relationship exactly as it is.

So many of your letters mirror my experiences... being told I wasn't

wanted that she wished I wasn't born (or specifically that abortion

wasn't legal that year), being controlled and shamed, I don't cry in

front of anyone. Haven't since I was a kid... I remember clearly

being hit with a belt when I was in kindergarten and refusing to

cry. I think it was a control issue for me.

Thank you for listening, sorry this is so long and rambling. Please

feel free to reply privately if you want. I wish you all the best!