-- re: confronting Dad

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Reading your posts about your dad reminds me so much of myself.

I'll try to tell you a little about my story. (Get comfortable

- it's a long one!).

Last fall my mom started a distortion campaign against my

father. I'm not sure if I've ever really told the whole story,

and I just have to because it's so hilarious (in a sad kind of

way). Before I got married (3+ years ago -- don't EVEN get me

started on what it was like planning the wedding with her) we

all took a few ballroom dancing lessons so we wouldn't look like

idiots on the dance floor. My mom loved it and wanted to keep

going. My dad didn't enjoy it all that much, but he could

tolerate it, so he agreed. Neither one of them is particularly

skilled, but she has a good time, so all seemed well (except

they were taking lessons at Arthur Murray and spending $10,000+

per year -- eek!!!!). They performed in a recital last fall (a

choreographed and much practiced number) and my dad accidentally

left out a step. My mom was momentarily thrown, but my dad

claims they picked it back up quickly and nobody even noticed (I

wasn't there). Afterward, my mom went BERZERK!! She went into

a rage at my dad, accusing him of skipping the step and

humiliating her in front of the crowd ON PURPOSE (of all the

crazy things!). Their instructor intervened and was trying to

calm her down, but had to leave to do a number on stage.

Somehow my dad ended up leaving the area my mom was in, and when

their instructor finished her number she informed my dad that my

mom had told her she was leaving (there was nothing the

instructor could do as she was on her way backstage at the

time). My dad thought that was a little odd, as he had the car

keys. All of her stuff was still there, and the car was still

there, but my mom was nowhere to be found. My dad thought maybe

she got a ride home, so he went home but she wasn't there. He

called me to see if we had heard from her (we had not,

thankfully). He had just left the house to go looking for her

when, on the way out of the subdivision, he passed a cop car on

it's way in. He turned around and followed it, and sure enough,

it pulled up to their house with my mom in the car. She had

been staggering down the shoulder of a busy road in totally

inappropriate dress (it was cold, and she had on a ballroom

dancing outfit with no coat -- oh, the melodrama of righteous

indignation), and a passing motorist had called the police on

his cell phone. The police then proceeded to INTERROGATE MY

FATHER about what HE had done to HER!!! God only knows what she

had told them. She later told me that she explained to them how

he had " purposefully " humiliated her in front of everyone, and

they told her it sounded like escalating " emotional abuse " and

that she should get in touch with a women's shelter right away

-- that she might even be in PHYSICAL DANGER as it's only a

matter of time before the emotional abuse become physical

(somehow I just don't believe they said any of this). Finally

the cops left, and my mom started up the silent treatment with

my dad (this lasted for well over a week). (To top it all off,

my dad told me later that she constantly berated, shamed,

criticized and humiliated him during their ballroom lessons for

" screwing up " and then " screwing her up " -- it was always his

fault whenever either one of them did something wrong. He told

me those lessons were just hell on earth.)

Soon after, she called me up and " re-wrote " my childhood. She

explained that she was " just realizing " that my father was an

emotionally abusive man (she has a Ph.D. in

industrial/organizational psychology, scarily enough), and

proceeded to blame him for everything that had gone wrong in her

and my life. I was so stunned I didn't know what to say (didn't

know about BPD at the time). I remember being furious at the

things she was saying, but being absolutely terrified of

contradicting her. I mumbled " uh huh, uh huh " for over an hour,

and frantically took notes so I would have some kind of

permanent record of all of the fantastical things that were

coming out of her mouth.

She contacted the local women's shelter (talk about wasting

precious resources) and got into group and individual therapy.

She told my dad that he had to " admit " he was emotionally

abusive (like an alcoholic has to admit they're an alcoholic)

before he would ever change. She said that he was " sick " and

she wasn't going to " put up " with it anymore. She handed him

info on emotional abuse and highlighted passages she thought

applied to him. (Needless to say, it didn't go over too well

when he told her they were more descriptive of HER than him...

she replied that it was time to look in the mirror, break out of

denial and take responsibility for his actions. Oh, the irony

is killing me.) She gave my dad the ultimatum that he was to

join a group (through the shelter) for men who abuse their

wives, or she was going to leave him. AND HE AGREED TO DO

IT!!!!! Anything to keep the peace, right? Thankfully, after

hearing about the distortion campaign, my therapist suggested

BPD and I had started voraciously reading everything I could get

my hands on (starting with " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " and then

SWOE). I convinced my dad to look further into the men's group,

and it turns out that all of the men were there by court order

after being arrested for physically assaulting their wives. He

asked the group leader if attending the group would be an

admission of guilt on his part, and she told him he would have

to talk to a lawyer. That scared him pretty badly. Between

that and all of the BPD information I was funneling to him via

phone and e-mail (he was scared to buy any books for fear she

would find them), he figured out that that was definitely NOT

the way to go. He finally settled on telling her he would go

into individual therapy with a therapist of HIS choice to work

on his " issues " . This placated her, and also gave him the

chance to get professional help in dealing with her.

I'd like to elaborate a bit, though, on how things went when I

approached him with the BPD idea. First, bear in mind that he

was in a crisis situation, so he had a motivation to be open to

new ideas. Sticking his head in the sand and maintaining the

status quo wasn't really a viable option for him. When I first

told him my suspicions, he was pretty open to the idea. We

discussed the criteria for BPD (I believe it was on the phone),

and I gave examples of how her various behaviors matched up

(it's sometimes hard to connect the dots when you just read the

criteria straight out of the DSM without further explanation).

We talked a lot about how he could do what was good for him

while still saving the marriage (he would not consider it any

other way -- he was adamant that he loved her and wanted to be

with her -- and he's still this way). This was how we came up

with the therapy compromise. After he floated that idea to her,

the crux of the crisis seemed to pass, and their lives returned

to normal (as normal as can be, anyway). He didn't seek a

therapist out, though, for over a month. In the intervening

time, he managed to read " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " and then

started challenging me on the BPD diagnosis. He didn't think

she was really that bad, etc., etc. Naturally, I was

heartbroken. Although I had been in therapy for several years,

I was new to the BPD idea and it had just broadened my horizons

tremendously. I was still working to assimilate all of this new

knowledge, so I wasn't near as healthy then as I am now. At

that time I still desperately needed my father's validation

(there's a long history in my life of seeking validation from

him as it was difficult to get from my mother). So I was

crushed when he started disagreeing with me, and this resulted

in me questioning the diagnosis myself. Maybe she really isn't

all that bad, I just overreact, it's all in my head, etc. etc.

I KNEW, though, that she was a BP. Everything fit. And by this

time I had discovered this list and was starting to hear the

stories of others (what a tremendous thing!!), so I knew I

wasn't alone. So I continued to maintain my assertion even

though he disagreed with me. It was still hard because during

the heart of the crisis we had grown very close, almost

conspiratorial, and I missed this desperately (I realize now I

was trying to " save " him). I shared things with him and felt

like he really HEARD me. For once in my life I felt like he

wasn't always putting her needs and wants above everyone else's

(he was kind of a " dish-rag dad " ), and I didn't want this to

change. As soon as he let go of BPD, though, we started moving

apart. We still talked about BPD, but it seemed harder and

harder for him to understand how I felt (we were rapidly moving

apart due to the fact that I was moving at light-speed from the

books and this list, and he was stuck in the mud of denial).

Then he started therapy, and his psychiatrist told him it

sounded like my mom had BPD. When he told me this, I'll admit

that I jumped for joy, clapped my hands, and did a little " I

told you so " victory dance!! (This is indicative of the fact

that I was very much at a place where I needed external

validation -- this time coming from his psych -- that my

thoughts and feelings were okay). Based on conversations with

my dad, though, his psychiatrist seemed intent on focusing on

the " here and now " -- how can he set boundaries and be good to

himself while salvaging the relationship? There was little or

no discussion of the past. And maybe this is what's best for my

dad. But it's not what's best for me. I have a deep need to

understand what happened to me and how I got to where I am today

(she was my MOTHER after all, and I think this is an important

distinction to make... he was just married to her, not RAISED by

her). This was something he struggled with -- why couldn't I

just " let go " of the past? " It's damaging to hold onto anger

and bitterness " , etc., etc. I finally explained to him that

it's difficult to " let go " of the past when she is still

grinding salt into my wounds day in and day out (I don't think

he understood that the abuse is cumulative and ongoing). This

was the example I gave him... When I was growing up I was a

mostly-A, honor student (I tested at the 98% percentile on the

SATs and took four AP exams my senior year, with perfect scores

on three of them). My mom never said anything about my grades

(they were expected), except to yell at me if they weren't all

A's. My brother, on the other hand, was the " good-child " and

was oohed and aahed over and showered with rewards if he brought

home anything better than a D. Fast forward 8 or so years, and

I received my masters in mechanical engineering with a 4.0. She

never once said a word about it. She didn't acknowledge it.

Nothing. To make matters worse, my brother applied to a new

university and was accepted, but not into the specific college

(journalism) he wanted. She called me up with instructions to

" comfort " him by telling him I wasn't accepted into the college

I wanted at first either (AN OUTRIGHT LIE). Of course, I didn't

agree to do it, but I didn't say I wouldn't either (how many

times I've fallen back on this course of inaction). I think if

this happened today, I would challenge her, but I wasn't able to

do that back then. (To this day, I don't know if she really

believed what she was saying or not.) Two years ago I was hired

by a local university as a prof in their mechanical engineering

department (a FEMALE, teaching MECHANICAL ENGINEERING -- for

those who don't know, this is a rare event). She never

congratulated me, never asked how my job was going, never

acknowledged my accomplishments. I think this story helped my

dad understand why I get so upset over things. I'm not just

upset that she didn't congratulate me on my job or the 4.0 for

my masters... I'm upset over a LIFETIME of no recognition or

validation. This helped him understand why I can't just " let

go " .

My dad is a wonderful, intelligent, humorous, kind, caring man,

and I love him dearly. In the beginning of all of this, I cast

my mom as the villain, and my dad as the saint. I believed that

he had been dragged into Oz by her, and any mistakes he made

were because of her. As time passed, though, I started to see

some of his shortcomings INDEPENDENT of her (and I'm not judging

him, nobody's perfect after all). I started tracing some of my

issues with perfectionism back to HIM, as well as her. I

started to realize that I grew up in an extremely complex web of

dysfunction (one that I'm still disentangling). Thankfully, my

dad is much healthier than my mom, and we have made great

strides in our relationship. It's certainly not perfect, but we

are working on it. He has even admitted to me that he wishes he

had gone into counseling when I was a kid so he could have

learned how to deal with this stuff better -- both his issues

and my mom's. That meant a lot to me. He readily accepts

responsibility for mistakes HE has made, but he still has the

habit of defending my mom and downplaying the effect she has on

me. The main sticking point seems to be that he still doesn't

really understand what it's like to be a KO (he's not one). As

we've said on the list recently, I think someone who isn't a KO

will never really, fully get it. But, I think there's a lot

they can understand (my husband is the perfect example -- bless

him for his unquestioning understanding, support, love and

validation). I think one of the reasons this is so difficult

for my dad is because he only saw the " perfect me " when I was

growing up -- the false self I created and presented to the

world to try to protect myself. When I talk to him now about

the terrible pain I was in, he says " I don't remember it that

way... you were strong and independent and had your own ideas. "

When he first said this, it really threw me for a loop (and made

me question myself), but I understand now that his statements

were based on my false self. Whether it's because I did such a

good job of fooling him, or because it was what he wanted to see

(or maybe a combination of both), who knows. We haven't had one

of our talks since I came to this understanding, but I'm finding

it's not as important to me as it used to be. If he doesn't

understand me, then he doesn't understand me. It does not

invalidate my life, experiences or memories. It doesn't mean

that I don't love him, or that he doesn't love me. I've been

*saying* this for close to a year now, but I'm finally getting

to a point where I BELIEVE it, and LIVE by it too! I am finding

peace. I probably will talk to him about it at some point (with

positive results, I'm guessing), but the sense of urgency isn't

there anymore. It used to be that I had to " convince " him, and

" make " him see my point of view -- otherwise it ceased to exist

(in my mind). If I felt he didn't understand me, or disagreed

with me, it was my top priority to get things " worked out " so I

could feel better about myself. It's not like that anymore.

There are still times when I get upset, though. He still has

the tendency to " walk on eggshells " and avoid doing things he

knows will upset my mom. (Although he has set some boundaries

-- he refuses to take ballroom lessons with her, and he also

actively pursues his favorite hobby, mountain biking, which she

won't do.) Sometimes he still chooses to put her needs and

wants above everyone else's, and lets them dictate the decisions

he makes (instead of making choices for himSelf). I'm learning

to deal with this, though, and I'll tell him, for example, that

my feelings are hurt because he decided to go back on plans he

had with me because he's afraid she'll be upset. But I don't do

this as a way to guilt him, or with the expectation that he'll

change his mind. I just want him to know how his decisions

affect me (for so long our family has only worried about how our

decisions affect HER, and no one else). That's the best I can

do, after all -- I can't control his behavior.

My opinion on how to deal with a loved one that doesn't know

about BPD, then, is to give them ACCESS to the knowledge (with a

lot of discretion -- I definitely would not bring your step-mom

into it; give him time to get his feet under him). Then let him

make his own decisions (even if it's not what you hoped for).

Give him a copy of SWOE, and say " I thought you might be

interested in this... some of it reminded me of [insert name

here]. " (I would advise him not to share it with her, though --

have him read it first, then decide.) If you're in therapy,

perhaps you could ask him to come to a session and have your

therapist help you explain. Realize if you do this, that you

can't have expectations about his choices. If you give him the

book with the hope/expectation that he will agree she has BPD

and divorce her and everyone will live happily ever after,

you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. You can't save

him, and you can't force him to agree with you. Realize, too,

that you would be challenging the status quo, and he may find

this intensely threatening. Some people that are married to a

BP refuse to acknowledge it because they believe it would mean

divorce or making huge changes in their life (the power of

continuing denial in the face of indisputable evidence is

amazing). Realize that (whether or not it's a logical fear),

this can be an overwhelming fear -- most people are terrified of

change... especially if they've been married to the same person

for 30 years. There is hope, though. I don't know your father,

but I believe that my relationship with my father will continue

to grow and flower (especially as we both heal). I am so glad I

did what I did -- I wouldn't change any of it.

I hope my experience has been helpful to you. I think it's very

wise of you to recognize that you may not be ready to approach

him on this. The more secure you are in your Self, the better

this will go (because your expectations will be realistic, and

you won't be doing it because you " need " something from him).

BTW, it's ok to *want* validation from him, just be careful

about *needing* it. You can learn to validate yourself, and

still want it from your parents (we were SUPPOSED to get it from

our parents, so this is perfectly natural). It's when we need

and expect it that we are often disappointed. You say you want

him to know that he's valuable and loved -- this is good stuff!

This is an important part of what happened between me and my

dad. As far as getting counseling, look around, there's lots of

options out there. My local university has a sliding scale

clinic, with the max amount being $20/session. The therapists

are all Ph.D. psychology students, but it's better than nothing!

Please let me know if you have any questions or need further

clarification (this got pretty long, so I'm not sure how

coherent it is!).

One final word... wrote:

<<

<snip>...I often feel like no one believes me - or even like

maybe it wasn't really that bad as I remember and I should just

act like everything was fine.

>>

Our feelings are NEVER invalid. We ALWAYS feel the way we do

for a reason (although sometimes it's tricky to figure that

reason out!). If you are sad, angry, mad, hurt, etc., THERE IS

A REASON!!! You do not have to justify your feelings. Learn to

recognize them, observe them, try to understand them. They are

powerful indicators (just like Ilene's anger at the cop let her

know she was being treated unfairly). But always accept them,

and if someone challenges you on them, you DON'T HAVE TO

JUSTIFY. You can just say, " I'm sorry you don't

agree/understand/etc., but this is the way I feel. " It's as

simple as that. You may find this statement helpful if and when

you talk to your dad (it can also be useful when dealing with

BPs).

Take care,

Anon

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