creating healthy friendships

[Guest guest]

You know the old saying, " Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame

on me? " Well, there are a few people in my FOO that have " fooled " me

many times. I would replace " fooled " with " betrayed. " Staying in

relationships with people who betrayed me only served to lower my self

esteem over the years. What a doormat I've been. But I think, because I

was so conditioned to see this as normal family behavior, it took me a

long time to actually see it for what it was. Plus, whenever I did say

something, I would get, " Oh Kathy, you are way too sensitive. " Which

filled me with self doubt... I questioned my own perception of

everything for years, only to recently realize that my perception was

just fine, it was the people around me who were crazy.

I also have had a string of abusive friendships. Women, in particular,

have treated me badly and used me. On some level, I must be attracted to

people who like to use other people. It's like a lock and key -- the

user and the usee fit perfectly. It gets to the point where I simply let

the " friendship " die. But I don't know how to go about making friends

with women who don't use people. How do we (the abusive women and I)

find each other??? I swear we all have energetic imprints that we pick

up on subconsciously -- it's a familiar fit, but one that no longer

works for me. So I find myself without friends now. I'm not in any great

position to make friends right now. I am a nontraditional student, and

most of the people in my program (including me) are older, commute to

classes, and then go home to our families. I'm not working right now,

because I want to finish grad school as fast as I can. I also have a

daughter with some serious health issues who takes a lot of my time.

Right now I am struggling with a long term friendship. Jan & I have

known each other since kindergarten and were best friends through eighth

grade. But it's a phone friendship, because we live hundreds of miles

apart and haven't seen each other for 30 yrs. Over the years I feel like

I've created the same role with her that I have with everyone. The

listener. The counselor. The one who will always be there for everyone.

Jan always seems to be in relationship crises -- she often has more than

one therapist, a support group or two, and several friends she calls.

I'm tired of that role, but it is hard to reprogram old dynamics.

Especially 30-yr-old dynamics. Yet I feel funny ending a 30+ year

friendship. I don't know if it can be reshaped at this point, and I

don't even know if I want to spend the energy trying! I have so many

other things to attend to in my life. I seem to attract selfish,

self-centered people. I seem to function as a container for others'

overwhelming feelings. I'm sure this all served me well & helped me

survive in a dysfunctional home. But it's getting REAL old at this

point.

Anyway, does anyone have a similar history (with " bad " friendships)? If

so, have you found a better way to meet and develop healthy friendships?

I love the company of women who are authentic and have interesting

things to talk about (besides other people). I've met many wonderful

women over the Internet, but it would be nice to have a good friend or

two close to home. Maybe when I start working again this will be easier.

Kathy

p.s. interesting that my post on " boundaries " has already shown up in my

mailbox, but my earlier post on perfection has not come back to me

yet... the mysteries of cyberspace! )