Restoration of the interpersonal bridge...

[Guest guest]

Excerpt from " Creating Love " by Bradshaw:

" The key to recovery is the realization that I have a choice. ...For

me this realization came from contact with others. ...Telling my

shameful story and seeing myself accepted in the mirroring faces of

others restored the interpersonal bridge. This is the only way back from

the psychological death of toxic shame. You can read self-help books

geared toward self-esteem till hell freezes over, and nothing will

change until you restore the interpersonal bridge. I had tried to do it

alone. Most people in a self-to-self trance try to get well alone. The

original rupture of the interpersonal bridge creates deep mistrust. You

come to believe that you cannot depend on anyone except yourself. Later

you may depend on your mood altering drug of choice. ...Listening to

others stories and receiving lots of encouragement and support from them

was a way out of the trance. It was pattern interruption. ...Groups have

enormous power to break trance states precisely because they restore the

interpersonal bridge. Seeing a loving acceptance of ourselves in the

eyes of others restores the mirroring process. Sharing our shameful

feelings and experiencing love and acceptance in spite of our failures

restores us to self-acceptance. The group can give us the support we

failed to get as children. Children need lots of refueling as their

newborn psychological self begins to emerge. But if we didn't get it as

children, we can still get it as adults. It's never too late to develop

the strengths we did not learn as children.

" Giving up the mystification leaves us with our original pain. The new

mirroring relationship in the group allows the self to emerge. But it is

fragile and needs lots of support. The group is a REFUELING SOURCE.

" The group can also serve as a reality check. It is very easy to

fallback into the trance defenses. Anything that is threatening can

cause us to fall back. And, since the protective covering has been

removed we are even more vulnerable.

" Over time the experiences of being loved and accepted makes possible

a loving acceptance of self. If the group sees me in all my secret shame

and they still accept me, I can accept myself. Self-esteem originally

began and ended with our souce relationship. Mystification is a state of

psychic death. To be born psychologically, we need someone--a mirroring

face in which to see ourselves. ... This gradually leads one to

self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-love.

" As I became a recognized member of the group, I felt a sense of

belonging and security. I began to trust the people on the group. ...The

value of joining a group with the same problems is that we are able to

identify. This identification creates a foundation for trust. "

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Excerpt from " Creating Love " Bradshaw:

- Self-love begins with acceptance of another's acceptance.