's Reflections on S. F.'s Thriving Group Life Goals Discussion

[Guest guest]

I have permission from the author H, one of Thriving's board

members, to send this along to the group. Although I wasn't present

for the discussion (recovering from 'minor' leg surgery and didn't

attend), I don't know what else I might have added. Very cogent!

>

> What does one expect to hear about Life Goals from a group of

middle-aged gay men living with HIV/AIDS? We're not going to

recapture the glory of our youth, nor, for many, even the vigor nor

stamina we once imagined could be ours in our middle age. High blown

notions of fame, or fortune, or lofty status we may have carried from

childhood into our invincible twenties are largely irrelevant now.

The compromises of life and vagaries of luck have pretty much set the

parameters of our personalities within decades long habits of thought

and action. Not the least of those twists of fate, of course, being

to have lived the majority of our adulthood at one of the epicenters

of the HIV epidemic– knowing we carried the dreaded infection in our

own bodies. We saw scores of young men in their twenties, thirties

and forties sicken and die, all the while wondering when our number

was up. We got in the habit of reining in the horizons of our

futures, taking care of the basics– medical care, income, housing–

looking forward to the next trip if we were feeling well, to the next

advance in treatment if we weren't. Discounting our future, we strove

frantically to empty our todays of stress and fill them with present

value.

>

> There has been no end of therapists, gurus, and spiritualists

eager to teach us the secrets of living in the now. Their pills,

workshops and seminars offer a day or two of present centeredness,

free of the pain of the past and worry about the future. These

offerings have their allure– a stilled mind, free of longing. Pushed

to the boundaries, though, we'd all be sealed off in monasteries; or

pushed to absurdity, lying on life support in a vegetative state.

Mostly we achieved (being in) our present in small triumphs over time

and responsibility – stopping into that café for that coffee and

pastry instead of running to catch the next bus, or being satisfied

with just getting Christmas cards out, late or whenever, instead of

succumbing to the pressure of the perfect present for every person.

>

> As our survival lagged on we came to realize that we are among the

living until we are dead. We came to experience the isolation that

can come from taking ourselves, by degrees, out of the futures of

the people in our lives. That isolation could be felt most acutely

when friends and family would slip and let on that they, too, were

silently writing us out of their futures.

>

> We learned we mustn't live like aspiring ghosts. So, we seek

objective evidence for how far our arc has traveled. One recent

study found that people who attain and maintain a CD4 count above

500 cells live as long as people without HIV. (See posting 3418)

The researchers argue that their findings mean HIV infection might no

longer be considered as an obstacle to obtain insurance contracts

and loans if a person reaches and keeps a CD4 count above 500 cells.

That's the optimistic side for those in that category who may want to

shift again to longer term goals, like the dream of home ownership,

for instance. On the more somber side we have the knowledge that

five of our Thrivers have died in the past year. All but one in his

forties or fifties. We have also seen the struggles some have shared

about their hip replacements or creeping neuropathy.

>

> When is it safe to reclaim a stake in the future? The thought

habits and behaviors some of us have developed over two decades of

hearing the faint tolling of the bells are somehow, now, hard to

shake off. And even if we're successful, we're still twenty years

farther along that arc the end of which we've glimpsed too closely.

>

> These are not comfy and cozy thoughts we want to go around voicing

every day. But, they intrude on our consciousness daily. On

Saturday, Jan. 21st, thirteen of us sat around and did voice these

somber thoughts. There was some resignation and acceptance, along

with guarded optimism. In a welcome epiphany I heard of the

contentment of lives lived without grand plans, lived with the simple

goal of some measure of peace each and every day, and I came away

strangely calmed and nurtured. This seems to happen whenever two or

more of us are gathered…..I hope you can join us next time.

>

> Peace to you all,

>

Thriving SF is a group for gay men that meets twice a month at the

SFLGBT Community Center, the first Sat is a social from 1-3 pm and

the third Sat is a discussion on a pre-selected topic (as was

January's), same time. They also have games nights at The Gazebo on

the second Wed late aft/eve and last Friday of the month late aft

eve. They are also in yahoogroups.com

Healthfully & electronically yours,

" Gravy Boat " Goldman yangzpa@...

" Be present in your life and appreciate each moment because you aren't

guaranteed a tomorrow; be passionate about what you do; don't live in fear; and,

connect with one another. The power of love is even more relevant today. "

Larson, sister of Larson, author of " Rent. "