not petty

[Guest guest]

--- giacomo wrote:

> I just re-read my post and it DOES sound so petty to me.

Didn't sound petty to me. It sounded constant and subtle.

There's a BIG difference. Also, I think that when a person

is totally immersed in this crapola there is no contrast.

And contrast is necessary to percieve the intensity of

what's going on.

> But I do know that I didn't think that I deserved it,

> didn't think that I had a right to express my feelings or

> pain--everything was about her pain... In terms of eating

> disorders, I'm that rare breed of man who developed one

> in my mid-twenties. A lot of sick stuff was going on with

> me in terms of deprivation.

I read this book called First Person Plural. It's about a

guy named Cameron whose mom and grandmom abused him and he

has DID. He kept believing that all the bad stuff that had

happened to him was just an illusion, or it wasn't that

bad. And then he felt like HE was a total loser for having

DID, and " being a lemon " . He was talking to his therapist

and said, " If only I could get my mom to admit that she did

this. Then I could believe it. " The therapist said,

" You're mom is never going to confess to this. It will

never happen. Why do you need her to? " And Cameron said,

" Because then I would have the proof that something

happened to me... the smoking gun. " The therapist leaned

forward, looked Cameron in the eye and said, " Cam, YOU are

the smoking gun. " The intensity of the injury is a measure

of how intense the abuse was. If your agony isn't petty

than neither is the abuse you experienced.

> Nada did such a good job of irrational punishment, that

> all of her kids continued the job on their own without

> her once we got the hell out--and we did get out with

> hardly a look back.

Sometimes I look at my family and think, " What the hell

happened!?! " My entire family of origin is gone. Nobody

talks to anybody. And I look back and I can barely see the

abuse. It's so subtle, manipulative, constant, and

all-encompassing. Finally I just decided... The degree to

which I am f**ked up, how much my family is gone, that's

how intense the abuse was. How NOT petty I'm being.

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