Re: creating healthy friendships

[Guest guest]

> You know the old saying, " Fool me once shame on you, fool

me twice shame

> on me? " Well, there are a few people in my FOO that have

" fooled " me

> many times. I would replace " fooled " with " betrayed. " Staying in

> relationships with people who betrayed me only served to

lower my self

> esteem over the years. What a doormat I've been. But I think,

because I

> was so conditioned to see this as normal family behavior, it

took me a

> long time to actually see it for what it was. Plus, whenever I did

say

> something, I would get, " Oh Kathy, you are way too sensitive. "

Which

> filled me with self doubt... I questioned my own perception of

> everything for years, only to recently realize that my perception

was

> just fine, it was the people around me who were crazy.

I've had good friends when I've been away from the FOO. With

the FOO I was recruited by a religious cult, and actually saw it OK

to socialize with them as long as I didn't sign up. They were only

interested in recruiting so it was the ODDEST thing. In the end all

of those relationships were dropped.

After 9/11 I made the effort to get back in touch with them. It was

great.

>

> I also have had a string of abusive friendships. Women, in

particular,

> have treated me badly and used me. On some level, I must be

attracted to

> people who like to use other people. It's like a lock and key --

the

> user and the usee fit perfectly. It gets to the point where I

simply let

> the " friendship " die. But I don't know how to go about making

friends

> with women who don't use people. How do we (the abusive

women and I)

> find each other??? I swear we all have energetic imprints that

we pick

> up on subconsciously -- it's a familiar fit, but one that no longer

> works for me. So I find myself without friends now. I'm not in

any great

> position to make friends right now. I am a nontraditional

student, and

> most of the people in my program (including me) are older,

commute to

> classes, and then go home to our families. I'm not working

right now,

> because I want to finish grad school as fast as I can. I also

have a

> daughter with some serious health issues who takes a lot of

my time.

that is hard.....

>

> Right now I am struggling with a long term friendship. Jan & I

have

> known each other since kindergarten and were best friends

through eighth

> grade. But it's a phone friendship, because we live hundreds of

miles

> apart and haven't seen each other for 30 yrs. Over the years I

feel like

> I've created the same role with her that I have with everyone.

The

> listener. The counselor. The one who will always be there for

everyone.

> Jan always seems to be in relationship crises -- she often has

more than

> one therapist, a support group or two, and several friends she

calls.

> I'm tired of that role, but it is hard to reprogram old dynamics.

> Especially 30-yr-old dynamics. Yet I feel funny ending a 30+

year

> friendship. I don't know if it can be reshaped at this point, and I

> don't even know if I want to spend the energy trying! I have so

many

> other things to attend to in my life. I seem to attract selfish,

> self-centered people. I seem to function as a container for

others'

> overwhelming feelings. I'm sure this all served me well &

helped me

> survive in a dysfunctional home. But it's getting REAL old at this

> point.

>

> Anyway, does anyone have a similar history (with " bad "

friendships)? If

> so, have you found a better way to meet and develop healthy

friendships?

> I love the company of women who are authentic and have

interesting

> things to talk about (besides other people). I've met many

wonderful

> women over the Internet, but it would be nice to have a good

friend or

> two close to home. Maybe when I start working again this will

be easier.

Kathy....I count on my Internet friends for daily support. I have one

geographical friend who I buy antiques from. She is about 60

(I'm 45) and we share a lot. She is also French and I've been

through her daughter's wedding planning, and she's been

through my sister's death and divorce from nada. She has come

to dinner.

I would like to belong to a women's group, maybe a reading club.

That is on my list of things to do after Christmas.

I keep in touch with my old friends over the Internet, but it seems

that we are in this situation where they are in the middle of kids

and jobs and it is hard.

I do socialize with my inlaws and realized I do enjoy their

company and their network of friends who are sort of familiar

faces now that I've been in their family for 17 years.

I would like to have some more pop in drop in friends, but I am

still " waiting to meet them " (putting that in a positive light

I went through a period of attracting real using people (religious

culties). I got so sick of people calling me up to babysit their kids

or go to some retreat at their house.

I finally got to the point of preferring to be geographically alone

rather than deal with all the ups and downs of thinking someone

was interested in me but looking for a free babysitter. Having a

lot of kids sort of limits the social time anyway.....

Here's to a mentally healthier 2002!

Kathleen