Re: Re: creating healthy friendships

[Guest guest]

I've had problems in the friendship area as well.

Attracted many people who were just as or more messed

up than I. Why? In part because I identified with

them. I had issues to talk out too. You can't talk out

these types of issues w/*normal* people b/c they don't

have them. They don't understand. Until I've become

healthier, it wasn't possible for me to be in the

company of healthy people. I didn't know their

language - they didn't know mine. I had baggage which

I carried 24/7... that's all I knew about was my

baggage. Fun and spontaneity had been lost to me for

many years. I need to find it again... And I am.

But imagine trying to develop a healthy relationship

w/a healthy person and stumbling over yourself over

and over again? It's safer to practice and identify

where *I* need work first. I need to get mySelf

healthier first so that;

A.) I don't wind up in an unhealthy relationship

B.) I'm not the carrying old stuff around so as to be

the cause of making a relationship unhealthy, and

C.) It takes two wholes to make a relationship - to

halves don't always necessarily make a whole...

To me, in any relationship, there should be enough

self there to spill over - not to soak up or fill up

from someone else and not to be someone else's feed &

fill up station either.

Yes, I'm familiar w/the line " Fool me once, shame on

you, fool me twice, shame on me. " Unfortunately, I was

a fool many times over... But I think I've learned how

to identify unhealthy sorts. And then again, maybe I

haven't so I've built up walls to keep everyone out!!!

These days, I haven't quite yet developed that happy

carefree life I'm striving for. I'm getting there

though. Right now, I too, am in the stage where I sit

here without intimate friendships and people knocking

on my door. But it's my choice. It's where I need to

be. I'm content with it - for now. I know I have

issues left to work out. I know there is still an

indentity left to fine tune. Until I know who I am as

much as possible, I'll stay in my solitary life. Some

of this is due to fear.

I think it would blow my self-esteem if I were to

stumble over something about myself while trying to

develop a healthy relationship. Specifically stumble

over something unhealthy in myself in which I hurt the

relationship. Have my vulnerability and insecurity

spill out into it... and then be left to beat mySelf

up.

There is a good book I read last year by Bruce B.

Fischer, " How to Rebuild When Your Relationship Ends. "

It's geared toward divorcing issues. But I tell ya,

there's a lot of good insight in it. The principles in

the book can be applied to any type of relationship.

Take care,

Cyndie

--- thanksforthisday

wrote:

>

> > You know the old saying, " Fool me once shame on

> you, fool

> me twice shame

> > on me? " Well, there are a few people in my FOO

> that have

> " fooled " me

> > many times. I would replace " fooled " with

> " betrayed. " Staying in

> > relationships with people who betrayed me only

> served to

> lower my self

> > esteem over the years. What a doormat I've been.

> But I think,

> because I

> > was so conditioned to see this as normal family

> behavior, it

> took me a

> > long time to actually see it for what it was.

> Plus, whenever I did

> say

> > something, I would get, " Oh Kathy, you are way too

> sensitive. "

> Which

> > filled me with self doubt... I questioned my own

> perception of

> > everything for years, only to recently realize

> that my perception

> was

> > just fine, it was the people around me who were

> crazy.

>

> I've had good friends when I've been away from the

> FOO. With

> the FOO I was recruited by a religious cult, and

> actually saw it OK

> to socialize with them as long as I didn't sign up.

> They were only

> interested in recruiting so it was the ODDEST thing.

> In the end all

> of those relationships were dropped.

>

> After 9/11 I made the effort to get back in touch

> with them. It was

> great.

> >

> > I also have had a string of abusive friendships.

> Women, in

> particular,

> > have treated me badly and used me. On some level,

> I must be

> attracted to

> > people who like to use other people. It's like a

> lock and key --

> the

> > user and the usee fit perfectly. It gets to the

> point where I

> simply let

> > the " friendship " die. But I don't know how to go

> about making

> friends

> > with women who don't use people. How do we (the

> abusive

> women and I)

> > find each other??? I swear we all have energetic

> imprints that

> we pick

> > up on subconsciously -- it's a familiar fit, but

> one that no longer

> > works for me. So I find myself without friends

> now. I'm not in

> any great

> > position to make friends right now. I am a

> nontraditional

> student, and

> > most of the people in my program (including me)

> are older,

> commute to

> > classes, and then go home to our families. I'm not

> working

> right now,

> > because I want to finish grad school as fast as I

> can. I also

> have a

> > daughter with some serious health issues who takes

> a lot of

> my time.

>

> that is hard.....

> >

> > Right now I am struggling with a long term

> friendship. Jan & I

> have

> > known each other since kindergarten and were best

> friends

> through eighth

> > grade. But it's a phone friendship, because we

> live hundreds of

> miles

> > apart and haven't seen each other for 30 yrs. Over

> the years I

> feel like

> > I've created the same role with her that I have

> with everyone.

> The

> > listener. The counselor. The one who will always

> be there for

> everyone.

> > Jan always seems to be in relationship crises --

> she often has

> more than

> > one therapist, a support group or two, and several

> friends she

> calls.

> > I'm tired of that role, but it is hard to

> reprogram old dynamics.

> > Especially 30-yr-old dynamics. Yet I feel funny

> ending a 30+

> year

> > friendship. I don't know if it can be reshaped at

> this point, and I

> > don't even know if I want to spend the energy

> trying! I have so

> many

> > other things to attend to in my life. I seem to

> attract selfish,

> > self-centered people. I seem to function as a

> container for

> others'

> > overwhelming feelings. I'm sure this all served me

> well &

> helped me

> > survive in a dysfunctional home. But it's getting

> REAL old at this

> > point.

> >

> > Anyway, does anyone have a similar history (with

> " bad "

> friendships)? If

> > so, have you found a better way to meet and

> develop healthy

> friendships?

> > I love the company of women who are authentic and

> have

> interesting

> > things to talk about (besides other people). I've

> met many

> wonderful

> > women over the Internet, but it would be nice to

> have a good

> friend or

> > two close to home. Maybe when I start working

> again this will

> be easier.

>

>

> Kathy....I count on my Internet friends for daily

> support. I have one

> geographical friend who I buy antiques from. She is

> about 60

> (I'm 45) and we share a lot. She is also French and

> I've been

> through her daughter's wedding planning, and she's

> been

> through my sister's death and divorce from nada. She

> has come

> to dinner.

>

> I would like to belong to a women's group, maybe a

> reading club.

> That is on my list of things to do after Christmas.

>

> I keep in touch with my old friends over the

> Internet, but it seems

> that we are in this situation where they are in the

> middle of kids

> and jobs and it is hard.

>

> I do socialize with my inlaws and realized I do

> enjoy their

> company and their network of friends who are sort of

> familiar

> faces now that I've been in their family for 17

> years.

>

> I would like to have some more pop in drop in

> friends, but I am

> still " waiting to meet them " (putting that in a

> positive light

>

> I went through a period of attracting real using

> people (religious

> culties). I got so sick of people calling me up to

> babysit their kids

> or go to some retreat at their house.

>

> I finally got to the point of preferring to be

> geographically alone

> rather than deal with all the ups and downs of

> thinking someone

> was interested in me but looking for a free

> babysitter.

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