9. HUMOR & OFF TOPIC POSTS: Guideline of the Day

[Guest guest]

The 12 sections of the " WTO Guidelines " are

posted at the rate of one per day, as below:

1 - Intro to WTO

2 - Technical Stuff

3 - List Facilitation

4 - List Netiquette

5 - Posting and Getting Responses

6 - Eggshell Resources, Abbreviations

7 - Offended? Send Problems to Us

8 - Confidentiality

9 - Humor and Off Topic Posts

10 - The Family of Welcome To Oz Lists

11 - Live Chat, The Buddy System

12 - BPs on WTO

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9. HUMOR & OFF-TOPIC POSTS: Guideline of the Day

It is your RIGHT to read posts reflecting the purpose of this list.

However, it is also your RIGHT to have fun and get to know other

members. Therefore it is your RESPONSIBILITY to:

* Keep in mind that anything you write is going to up to 850+ other

people who all have busy lives. Please keep posts on topic.

* Please especially avoid off topic discussions that have the potential

to generate strong or hurt feelings. We all have our personal views on

sex, politics, abortion, feminism, Macs vs PC's, the existence of God

and which way to hang the toilet paper. But discussions of these topics

belong somewhere else--perhaps on the " Which Way to Roll the Toilet

Paper " LISTSERV facilitated by Martha .

* Humor and fun is necessary and is a vital part of this list. However,

please restrain yourself from going overboard on the regular lists. If

you have off-topic information you feel is important, simply put it at

the end of a post about BPD. People need to laugh and some posting of

this nature can be healthy, and on smaller groups this is less of a

problem. But people unsub every day because of " too much mail, " so

please be careful, use your best judgment, and if the subject is about

something off topic, please write OFF TOPIC or " OT " in the subject line.

* This also goes for news about yourself: for example, people have other

concerns and want to share them with other members. See the post above

and use your best judgment.

* To keep down list clutter, please avoid one line posts that do not add

substantially to the discussion. Or, send them off list to the member.

* If you want additional company or the chance to get to know fellow

members better, you can choose to participate in real time chat and talk

about whatever you like. Please send a message to

Greyh2o2@...

or

DeborahSu@...

for more info.

Or, join WTOChat by going to

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOChat

Following is something written by list facilitator about humor and

off topic posts.

____

HUMOR GUIDELINES AND OFF TOPIC POSTS

By (p.shirley@...)

I'd like to see if I can help give clarification to those boundaries

between the kinds of humor we want to see on the lists, vs. those kinds

of humor we'd rather not see get posted.

PRINCIPLES, NOT DEFINITIONS

I'm not going to try to describe a clear line between " good " humor and

" bad " humor, because I just don't think that will work for anybody.

What I'm going to try to do instead is describe how humor functions in

discussions. After that, I'm going to try to compare those functions

with the goals of our list. That way, it will be largely up to

everybody's good judgment to contribute toward the major goals of our

list, without anyone feeling obligated to have to walk on eggshells

themselves by shutting down their own personal funny bones. OK so far?

FUNCTIONS OF HUMOR

Several people have talked about the important part that humor has

played in their healing on these lists. I agree with those statements

fully. It has long been my experience that humor has three specific

functions that give it a crucially important place in growth and

healing.

1. First, humor acts as an anesthetic. That is, it helps make the pain

bearable. The reason that is important is because human growth is

painful, and sometimes it can be excruciatingly painful. I don't think I

have to convince anyone here of that fact, do I? I don't know the

breakdown of the list, in terms of who lives where geographically, but

here in the USA we largely live in a culture in which it is falsely

believed that to be " normal " and " healthy " means living pain-free.

I will politely say that I consider that belief to be a complete crock.

Healthy living means often living fully despite the inevitable pains of

life, and also finding occasional joys that transcend the pain. That is

purely my own belief, but it works for me, and I've seen it work for

other people too. It might even be the greatest lesson life has taught

me so far: no matter how bad the pain of living can be, there are things

which are infinitely more IMPORTANT than the pain.

Some of the greatest satisfaction in my life has been discovering my

painful circumstances to help someone else avoid similar painful

circumstances, or give them comfort as they endure the same thing. For

anyone who wants a label for that belief, you can call it existential

psychology, because the reality for me is that MEANINGFUL pain is

endurable pain. Which brings me to the second function of humor.

2. Humor serves to add breadth and depth to our limited human

perspectives. I have a good friend who sustained extensive brain damage

in a series of accidents. I can't think of a whole lot of things more

tragic than that, yet one of the greatest things I share with this

friend is humor. He has a wonderful ability to take situations and look

at the hidden side, and sometimes this involves exercising a delightful

sense of humor regardless of the associated pathos. It helps. It heals,

and it is funny. I don't think I can ever forget what my friend said one

day when discussing the horrible aftermath of his accidents.

In a quietly studious tone, and with a deadly serious expression, he

said, " I was all right until I fell out of a well and got run over by an

airplane. " As a result, he and I both howled with laughter over his

terrible tragedy. And we both went away emotionally stronger as a

result. Humor somehow helped us see a bigger picture.

3. Humor serves as a social lubricant. Some of our topics are awkward,

embarrassing, ugly and clumsy. They are just plain hard to deal with.

Humor simply makes it easier. It is an uphill battle at best, to fight

our way out of some of the dilemmas life has brought us. We need every

advantage we can get, and humor is one energizing way of helping us to

see ourselves as being all in the same boat. The fact that that she is a

Border Line Cruise Patrol Boat becomes something that pulls us together

instead of isolating and alienating us.

4. Having specified the ways in which humor encourages growth and

healing, I'm going to also mention the flip side of the coin, that is,

one way in which humor can interfere. Humor can serve as an effective

means to hide from, and avoid dealing with, important issues. This is

the kind of humor we'd rather not see posted here.

Examples include totally irrelevant or potentially tasteless humor

(e.g., the Rabbi, Priest and Minister were stuck in a lifeboat... " ) or

snide tasteless humor (i.e., anything about Clinton).

Back to the first side of the coin: the banter that I've seen

spontaneously emerge during the course of painful and/or difficult

discussion about living and dealing with BPD has been very productive

humor, every single time.

Who can forget " Lasagna Therapy, " when a list member described how a

well-placed dumping of noodles, cheese, and tomato sauce in the lap of a

raging BP stopped criticism about the non's way of eating in an instant?

But it was also very instructive for all of us, since it addressed some

of the most key topics surrounding setting boundaries between BP's and

Nons.

But can we define " Lasagna " humor as on-topic, and some other humor

subject as " off-topic? " I don't think so. Unfortunately, it is somewhat

of a subjective judgment call. If it comes down to it, though, I'm

willing to be the one to make that judgment and take the heat for it,

because I've seen what this list can facilitate, and I want to see it

keep happening.

I love what this list is doing. I love what people are using it for, and

I love where I see some people going as a result. I'm a flat-out healing

junkie, and I get high as a kite from being with people who are

addressing and overcoming problems in their lives. Each and every time I

see someone take charge and empower themselves, it empowers me just a

little bit more, too. I don't think any of us can ever be too empowered

in this life here on planet Earth, so I'm in for the long haul on being

a healing junkie.

Now: I want to offer a cautious word about where we are on these lists,

and where I see us headed. Based on the quantities of topics on various

subjects, I see these lists serving, first and foremost, as an education

center for practical information on coping with BPD. I don't want to see

that change, because I think that is where the most help lies for the

greatest number of people.

Secondly, I see these lists functioning as a place where people can form

bonds based on their joyful discovery that they are not alone. I see

these friendship bonds as being very important. Thirdly, I see evidence

that some list members may be moving towards a closer examination of

their own deeper issues related to their status as Nons. If we do begin

to go deeper into these issues, then we're gonna need humor, because

some of these issues are excruciatingly painful, and possibly even

disorienting at times.

Bless you all, I see enough of you reaching out to grab that golden ring

of positive health that I want to encourage that, even if we go past the

original blueprints for these lists that Randi so caringly created. If

we want to reach for bigger and better things, as in joyful and healthy

living, then I'm all for it -- never mind how hard and painful that

journey might be.

The important thing is that we honor that process, without diminishing

the other good things which are already happening here for everyone

else.

I'll bring this to a conclusion by saying that I love being a part of

these lists. I am very glad for the fact that Randi and all of you have

offered me this opportunity, because in the short time I have been

acting as a facilitator here, I have experienced a great deal of

learning and sharing with you. It has been fun, it has been energizing,

and I am using comma splices, so evidently I need to descend from my

cloud of exhilaration over successes and new possibilities and get back

to the here and now.

In the here and now, I sense a high level of respect between list

members, and that is undoubtedly one of the keys to the good things

taking place here. I'm sure it helps that we've all been personally

exposed to projection and splitting, and thus we're not quite as

vulnerable to falling into it as some other groups and lists. We know

what raging is, because we have seen it; therefore, we're not naive to

the fact that flaming posts are about the person doing the flaming, and

not about the flame's recipient. (It also helps that flaming posts are

forbidden in the guidelines -- LOL.)

We're a step ahead in that regard, because in other lists I have been

on, people have not been quite so savvy about the fact that flaming is,

pure and simple, an obvious cyber version of splitting and projection.

Here, we know better. Anyone who hasn't been able to figure that out for

themselves has apparently gone elsewhere, and that means we're in safe

company, doing our own thing.

And with that 60's cliche, I'll stop. I'll be glad to answer any

questions about what I've said, and otherwise I'll assume we're all on

the same page and just say " Carry on. "

Salutes to all,

the Bear

_____

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com

Addendum:

A portion of the guidelines to the WTO groups are sent out each day

because altogether they can be rather overwhelming. They are sent to all

lists in approximate order of what is important and are not making any

comment on any particular message on any one of the WTO groups. Please

note our guidelines have developed over the years by the group as a

whole to meet situations that come up again and again. Before you post,

you must agree to try to read and try to meet them. If you have any

questions, comments, or feelings you wish to voice about the guidelines,

please write to at bear454us@... or Edith at

psychprof5@.... Thank you!

__________________________________________________

Posted by Edith

Facilitator / WTO lists

PsychProf5@...

..