DIvorcing my Nada

[Guest guest]

Debbie asked:

>>BYTW, was your divorce from nada a " formal " thing or did you just

>>quit seeing her.

It really just sort of happened. My sister divorced her five years

before me, when she discovered the extent of nada's abuse of her

oldest son. About six months before I divorced her, she was living

far enough away where I did not have to see her much. We talked on

the phone occasionally, but I was really coming to grips with the

amount of abuse that my sister and I went through, and I started to

call her on it. Most of our conversations were me listing the abusive

incidents, and demanding her to own up to them. On a few occasions,

she actually did validate me, but mostly she told me that I was crazy

and I didn't know what I was talking about.

During this time, she got involved with a new man. Let's call

him " The Muslim Plumber from Fiji. " I am not making this up. Now I

have nothing against Muslims, plumbers, or people from Fiji. My

mother was born and raised in CA, of English and German descent. My

father, who divorced her when I was two (lucky guy), is from Costa

Rica, so I'm half hispanic. We were Presbyterian, but didn't go to

church after I turned about 10.

Throughtout my childhood, she was a magnet for rotten men. Drug

addicts, alchoholics, con men, you name it. And we got to go on many

of her dates, or, if we were lucky, we were left home alone age 11

on. We watched these men humiliate her, put her down, tell her she

was nothing, and she just kept coming back for more. She would do

anything to get a man to like her. Then we had to listen to her talk

about all of her sexual exploits. Barf.

(My sister says that we have learned how to deal with men by doing

the exact opposite of everything nada did, and we're both happily

married today.)

So when she started talking about this new guy, it just brought up so

much from the past. So here I was, 28, married to a wonderful man for

about three years now, and I finally put my foot down (wow, my first

boundary!) and said, " Look mom, I don't have the energy to get

involved with another one of your men. I want to talk with you, but

just keep info about the Plumber to a minimum. I really don't care. "

Of course, this sent her off the deep end. She had this whole new

identity wrapped up with this man. She's converted to Islam, changed

her name, wearing a scarf on her head, all for him. (I could feel my

grandmother rolling in her grave.) She even says they're getting

married and I'm supposed to come to the wedding. " Is it legal? " I

ask. " Well, we don't have time to get a license, so we're just having

the ceremony in the Mosque. " Right.

Then, about a week later, she was going to be in town visiting her

friend, so I agreed to meet her for lunch in a neutral location. All

she could talk about was this guy. She's shoving pictures of him in

my face. I told her that if she didn't stop I was going to get up and

leave, so she cooled it.

Another week later, she says she has to come to town to drop the

Plumber off at the airport, and she wanted to bring him to my

apartment to meet me and my husband. She really laid it on thick.(She

had never been to our new place because I knew better than to give

her the address.) I reiterated the boundary that I was not interested

in getting involved with another one of her men, and she blew her

top. She accused me and my sister of all kinds of terrible things,

how we were plotting against her happiness, and how my sister had

always lied about the abuse that she went through (I watched my

mother try to strangle her when I was 12). She finally insisted that

when my sister divorced her (they lived in Idaho at the time) that my

sister had left her to die in the cold with no firewood.

That was the last straw. I hung up on her, and I have never talked to

her since, nor has she called me. I understand that she is a very

sick person. I was very badly abused, parentified, and controlled

throughout my life with her, and I was done. I didn't have to be her

caretaker and shrink anymore, and what a great feeling. I've come

further in these past two years that I ever could have imagined.

Truly, even with all me and my sister have been through, I would not

wish BPD on my worst enemy. I know my nada is suffering a worse fate

than anyone should, but I can't help her, and I'm sure not going to

live in hell with her anymore.

And that's all I got to say about that. Sorry if it was too long.

Thanks for reading.

Take Care,

Rosemary

> Thanks Rosemary. I feel confident that I did the right thing.

Thankfully,

> my two younger children may not remember any of this. I will focus

my energy

> on sticking to my guns and keeping the boundaries in place.

>

> BYTW, was your divorce from nada a " formal " thing or did you just

quit seeing

> her.

>

> Debbie

>

>

>