A killer argument: You deserved it

[Guest guest]

After thinking the whole situation over and over again, checking out

this Group and checking out Internet sites, I eventually feel that

what happened in the relationship with my exbf was emotional and

verbal abuse. I thus understand much better why I felt so angry all

the time. And I was angry also because I was angry, found myself

ungrateful, difficult, boycotting, etc...

I had problems bringing an issue up in a neutral, calm way, that is

something I realize. I think it is because I feel fear whenever I

bring something up. But once I brought up an issue in my clumsy way,

my feelings were often invalidated. He often insulted me (calling me

a " stupid bitch " and a " nutcase " )and as I knew I had not been nice

myself, I thought I had to swallow his anger. When I afterwards told

him that he had insulted me, he said " You deserved it. "

These three words make my hair raise. I have heard this so often as a

child, and this thought of " deserving it " has penetrated all my

cells. Deep down this has always been my conviction: I deserve to be

insulted, to be invalidated and ridiculed.

As I understand much better why I did not feel OK in this

relationship and though I also see that I contributed to this, I feel

SO MUCH ANGER. Sorry for the capital letters, I somehow try to

describe how huge this feeling is.

I also feel extremely frustrated because my exbf does not want to

talk to me anymore. The reason for this is that I have given him two

(light) slaps the last time I saw him because he told me again " that

I deserved it " . Somehow I have the feeling that if it would not have

been for the slaps, it would have been for something else. I know I

was wrong there, I have problems to deal with my anger. There is so

much of it in me after all these years of swallowing stupid and foul

arguments. I've never been the depressed kind of person, much more

the agressive bitch.

For the moment I am really overwhelmed by my bitterness and

frustration. It is now clear for me that he did not treat me well at

times. Before that the explanation we gave to our break-up was that I

had problems dealing with anger. And as long as this was the

explanation, we somehow got along as friends, though I always felt

that something was wrong. I was wondering why I had to take such a

big share of the blame and why this could not be seen as an action-

reaction process to which we both contributed.

And now that I take a much firmer stand against him and tell him that

I don't agree with him, he does not want to talk with me anymore. Can

anyone understand my frustration and bitterness about this? He does

not want to talk to me, switched off his phone. I feel so frustrated

by this because I would like to tell him what an abuser he and tell

it over and over again.

Well, I guess I sound like a nada now whose children have cut off all

contact...

Is there anybody who can tell me how one can get rid of this anger in

a way which does not make one a harsh person?

Thank you and kind regards, Hildegard