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Hello Group!

I'd just like ta' introduce myself ta' yas'! I'm in my mid 40's and

have been hiv+ 19yrs. I'm doing okay I guess.. My count hovers

around 600 this month. And, most importantly; I'm undectable. Oddly;

I've been undectable for 18yrs. My T's have going down to 50 once or

twice; okay three x's. I have lipo; but, it really does bother me

that much; I

guess. I have 2 things that really do get on my last....... One is

my neurapathy in my legs. And, the second is called MCMD.

I guess at this point ya just might be asking to

yourself..... " What's MCMD? " Lets see if I get it right; Minor

Congintive Motor Disorder. About 6yrs back; I knew something just

was not right with me. Okay, just like everyone with the illness; ya

seem ta' always just say to yourself or to anyone who will

listen..... " Ah, it's the meds.! "

Well, a couple of years past had and I said to myself; " Ya know it's

not

the meds.? " . So, my wonderful m.d.; who I thank the heavens

above for; sent me to a phd. I felt deep down inside that it was

going to be awhile till someone told me those words ya wait ta'

hear. " Yes, you have blablablablabla..... "

After a battery of phsyc. tests that took 4 straight days from

9:30am-4pm, with an

1/2 hr lunch break and 15 mins here & there..... Weeks later the

results where sent to my dear friend Mr. M.D..... " Well, the results

say that it's not ORGANIC. " Both of us just looked at each other and

bust out laughing..... Okay, so I'm not a plant..... " You do believe

me that

something is WRONG with me right? " " Yes, but, hey, your going on

17yrs. It's going to take sometime because we still don't have all

of

the answers to it. We will get thru this together okay.

It seems odd to me at times that my m.d.; has become one of my

oldest friends. He has become that because I've basically out lived

almost all of my friends. My family are wonderful and extremely

supportive. But, sometimes, they don't mean to, but, it gets to me

when

I'm treated with kidd gloves; ya know what I mean?

Well, dec.2004; I went to London for the weekend with dear friends.

I've always loved London; and, I've missed it ever so. Here's where

it gets good; the summer of

2004, I had a blood clod explode in my right lung. I was unable to

move be myself out of my bed to reach the phone ta' get help. My

family

know that if they don't hear from me in 2 days something is wrong!

Everytime I would try to reach for the phone or lift myself out up

out of the bed; my air flow would block and it was so F# & ck#n

painful that I

couldn't even yell out for help. So, my brother finally came up the

backstairs; I've learned ta' leave it somewhat less secure then the

other doors. Well, I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. My dentist also

had ta'

come ta' see me. He is the director of White Dental Clinic

which I am

enrolled at. The called him because when I was trapped at home; I

cracked a few of my back teeth from clinching down because of the

pain.

Well, so much for that!!!!

So, when I was finally released from the hospital; I had ta' see my

dear friend Mr. M.D. constantly ta' make sure that I was mending...

I expressed to him that my friends wish to take me to where I have

always been so happy; London. He explained to me that that would be

imposible for me to do for quite sometime.

Well. beening the hard headed idiot that I've always love to be. You

know

the type; running with scissors, walking into traffic, & love ta'

play in the rain.

lol! I went to London! And, on the flight back I knew that I made

the biggest mistake of my life! I was a mess!!! Yes, I flew first

class, but,

a MESS is a MESS! Because of a snow storm; we had to stop in ATL.

So, having to wait for a connecting flight; I was just getting

worse. So, since I had not yet gone thru U.S. customs; I guess all

sorts of reds flags were point at me. I was asked over to an agent.

Now, picture this; I can hardly work; sweating horribly, and just a

MESS. " Sir, do you have anything you wish to declare? " " Yes! I'm a

MESS! " And, I then handed him all of my papers. " Sir, why were you

in London for only 4 days? " " Cause, I'm an idiot! Look I'm very ill

& I am an aids patient. Here are all my scripts, passport, doctors

info, & oh, I'M A MESS! " I do believe he got the idea. The agent was

so wonderful after that. He got me transport and on the very next

available flight home. I thank him to this day in my prayers &

thoughts. And, yes, in case your wondering about now; Mr. M.D. read

me the riot act! Ya got ta' love

him!

So, after mending.... I took the bull by the horns and searched for

someone who would listen to me as to what was happening to me! I was

on a mission. After my act of retardedness in London; I knew I would

see that city again someday; but, first things, first!

I spoke with a bunch of different people with hiv/aids & different

org(s). So,

I made an appt. with a group of psychologists who were/are

researching a

condition/syndrome called MCMD.

Just after explaining why I thought I should be speaking with

them/him. I

was told that I had all of the triggers to this condition that they

have discovered in persons with long-term hiv/aids. It was like a

thousand pound weight was lifted off of me. All I really needed was

ta'

have someone say to me....... " Yes, you have blablablabla! "

I have my good days & I have my bad days. They really don't know

much about it & /or how to treat it. Sometimes, suddenly, I'll be

getting dressed & all of a sudden; I can remember how to tie my gym

shoes. Then 10mins will pass and I'm okay. Or, I can be speaking

about

some subject and all of a sudden start to studder. I've never

studdered before in my life. But, to me the worst is when I run into

someone who I know & love dearly; and, I suddenly don't have a clue

who

they are. So, I've learned to play it off cause I know in a couple

of hours; it

will all come back to me & I'll remember who they were.

It seems that I've learned over the years how to evolve with the

illness. But,

I've never really been ready ta' have it (the illness) rob me of my

most valued treasures;

my memories. But, I do understand that if I wait long enough; it

will

all come back to me. But, it is really the most horrible &

frightening thing. I not ready to have it taken away from me. I

don't mind suffering the pain of

the severe neurapathy or constant feeling of having the worst flu in

the

world daily! But, I guess...... I'll just have ta' wait till my

memories & thoughts return & then I'm okay again.

I live in Chicago. I love the change of seasons. But, most of all; I

love watching the sun come up! I think! lol!

The one thing I've learned is ta' just always remember: " If you feel

that something is wrong; never take no as answer. One must keep on

searching. Only you know what you are feeling! This illness is not

the same for any 2 persons; every single person feels and goes thru

it all differently. Ya just have ta' be strong; cause your fighting

for the most important person.......YOU! I just happen ta' deal with

it with humor..........

much love!

Always love

& be loved!

Just me!

B.B.