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Hello, I am new here. I feel so relieved, so much CLEANER, to find

out there are more people who have had similar experiences as I have.

I'm 28 and have been trying to 'break free' from my mom since I was

about 14 - that's half my life! Up till right now it's been a long,

lonely struggle. There have been times when I've doubted myself, but

basically I always tried to be true to my inner light. That has been

very hard, since it was like no one else could possibly understand

what I've gone through, so I had to keep it a secret. WOW to have

found a place where I can say it all!!

A few months I started some psychology classes, I've gained lots of

new terminology for what I've witnessed in my close and extended

family. So far, for every disorder we've learned about in class, I

have a relative to mention. Several years ago, my Dad (who has

big-time problems of his own) told me that Mom had been diagnosed as

BP and Narcissistic. The info was too much for me to assimilate until

right now. I'm so happy to finally be able to start dealing with it.

Kiki, what you're going through sounds so much like me. A couple of

years ago I spent a few months at Mom's, then I moved away again. The

first thing she did was change the lock on her door so I couldn't get

in. This is routine; it has been happening every few years since I

was a teenager. After the lock change come several months of her

advertising to anyone who will listen how I won't come see her

(ridiculous - you locked me out and you expect me to visit???). Or

she'd call me, spend several minutes yelling at me, hang up without

waiting for a response, and tell everyone I wouldn't talk to her.

Well, all the previous times this has happened, I'd spend tons of

energy trying to convince relatives, friends that I wasn't trying to

break contact with her. This time, I decided not to spend my energy

that way. It has cost me lots of friends, damaged lots of

relationships with relatives, but it has been so freeing. I screen my

phone calls and don't answer the hate mail (pages and pages of it).

I'm glad to have broken free, but sometimes, when I'm lying in bed at

night, I wonder how can it be that I don't have any family? I

consider myself a loving, caring person - sometimes it really blows

my mind that I don't have parents or family.

I realize that eventually she will swing back around to me being all

good again. There were times, when I was in high school and living at

home, that I'd have nightmares about waking up in the same bed as my

mother - finally it dawned on me that during the 'good' swings, she

was considering me her husband, her partner. That was way too much to

expect from a 14-year-old, and I'm not about to accept the role at

28, either.

Wow, I sound optimistic. Don't think for a minute that I've forgotten

how hard it is, though.

Patty, kudos for going ahead and having a great holiday without your

mom! I think it's awful how the holidays are supposed to be times you

spend with your family... they would be better defined as times you

spend with the ones you love and feel good being around. For many of

us, having to spend the holidays with your parents is nightmarish.

For several years, I tried to go celebrate with friends - but they

usually had their own families to be with, and while I was welcomed,

I wasn't part of it and felt very lonely. These days I've pretty much

come to terms with holidays being my private time with myself, to do

the things I've wanted to do with myself.

I think it's very important to realize that you have to live first

and foremost for yourself. I don't mean this selfishly - just the

opposite! If you don't take care of yourself, you're not capable of

taking care of anything else. My motto for many years has been

something from the in-flight safety demos (I spent several years as a

flight attendant). About the oxygen masks: 'if you are traveling with

small children or someone else in need of assistance, put your own

mask on first, and then assist those around you'. Sorry if this

sounds corny. I'm convinced you have to be strong yourself before you

can be of any use to those around you.

Especially, don't feel guilty about having had a great time!!!

Joy, I can really relate to what you said about feeling guilty. No

matter what abuse we went through, they are still our parents, they

really did give us life, and I think many of us really are glad to be

here, no matter how much life sometimes stinks. I feel bad that my

parents don't have a daughter, I know it hurts them, just like it

hurts me that I don't have any parents. But - I'm not giving myself

up for them (and I know first-hand that that doesn't help, anyway!!).

As to letting my kids get to know my parents (not that it seems

likely at this point that I'll have any kids). One thing I admire my

mom for is that she made it possible for me (and my brothers) to have

a relationship with my own grandparents. They have a whole slew of

abusive disorders themselves. We grew up far, far away from my

grandparents, this made it possible. Every visit with them we were

carefully protected by mom (and I'm sure that was very stressful on

her). She talked about them positively, a lot, and even though they

are pretty messed-up people, I still have things I can admire in

them, thanks to my mom having showed me. My cousins who live near my

grandparents don't have anything to do with them. At some point when

I got older I started visiting them on my own, then I was exposed to

all the stuff she tried to protect me from. That was devastating. But

I'm still glad I know them.

The bottom line for me in all this is: distance helps!!! I recommend

putting an ocean or two between you and all your disturbed relatives.

I have an ocean between my grandparents and me, but sadly not even a

lake separates me from my mom.

Joy, thank you for making me think about how I always tried to be

strong by facing my mom. Now I'm trying to be strong by focusing on

me, not on her.

Ilene, thank you for articulating for me how 'we have to step away

from the source of pain before we realize the extent of our internal

damage'. Like the thing with our parents telling us we were weak

because we didn't face up - it's been people around me, most of my

life, who have tried to tell me my parents just 'had a few quirks and

that they were normal otherwise'. I guess what I've been through is

too much for other people to assimilate (gosh, it's practically too

much for ME to assimilate!!), so they can't 'hear' me, they play it

down. I've lost lots of friends because of this, and sometimes I've

felt so alone I just curled up and cried, but I've found others, too.

Sophie, what you wrote hit me so strongly. 'Expecting nothing of her'

- sounds to me like you've hit the answer. Now all I need are a few

pointers and " how-to's " , and I'll be well on my way to feeling better

about all this.

Kathleen, I have often been horrified to find myself acting like my

parents. The only good thing about it is that (sometimes) I have

noticed what it was I did, and where it came from. Awareness is half

the way to change (pity it's only half!).

Cyndie, thank you for giving me a feeling of optimism. It has been

amazing to me to have realized the external origin of many of my

beliefs… it is so liberating to realize they weren't mine, I don't

have to keep them. (And while we're on it, even if they are mine, and

they aren't in my best interests, I don't have to keep them!!!)

For several years I have been feeling like I was in a fog. Now it is

beginning to lift - because I am now willing to see the truth

revealed - in all its terrible clarity.

I feel like I've really found a PLACE here - that is no small thing

for me. I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere. I'm so

grateful to you all for being there. Thank you, thank you. I'll work

on making my posts shorter - it's just been such an overwhelming

relief to have found a PLACE, I had to go on and on.

And, apologies if this was already explained somewhere and I missed

it, but what do you mean by nada, fada, KO's, FOO…

Peace to all

Hope

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