When parents fall apart

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I only post infrequently but appreciate this group so

much. My almost-7-year-old son Zachary has pretty severe OCD, and we

live the whirlwind life as most of you do. He does CBT/ERP and is on

prozac; the pdoc just put him on abilify as well, which I hope will

help.

Today I'm feeling so discouraged and just wonder how the rest of you

cope when you mess up with your kids. This morning Zachary got very

upset with me, and my husband came in and did a typical thing (for

him), which is to try to rescue our child in a way that made me feel

like they were both against me. This had to do with the fact that I

recently told Zachary's 1st-grade teacher all about the OCD, as the

pdoc and psychologist both said I should - and this teacher has

really been terrific about it, very kind to me and to Z. Zachary

knows I've spoken with her a lot about his hand-washing and hand-

licking, but I guess I'd failed to specify that I'd been explicit

about it as OCD (my big mistake). When I mentioned her kindness

about the OCD this morning, Zachary blew up at me, " You mean she

knows I have OCD?!?!? " . I was trying to talk to him about why this

had been necessary and to assure him that his teacher really thinks

he's wonderful and wants to help him however she can, but then my

husband came in and acted like I'd really messed up. So then I'm

afraid that my strength failed me and I got upset with my husband,

and soon my son was crying for us to get along. I was there saying

to husband, " Please, just explain to him that we both agreed this was

the right thing to do, to talk with the teacher, that it's important

and it doesn't make her think badly of him at all, nothing to be

ashamed of, " but dh just kept looking at me like I had two heads and

wouldn't address this issue at all with our son, just soothed him as

if to distance him from me. . . . My husband, incidentally, has

openly admitted to me that he does feel ashamed and disappointed

about Zachary's OCD, so my guess here is that he really does want to

make me " the heavy " about talking to the teacher. And he clearly

wants to be Z's rescuer and protector, regardless of what the psych

and all the books say.

It's crazy-making for all of us, living with OCD in the household. I

find it hard to forgive myself when I mess up this way, and I find it

hard sometimes to work cooperatively with my husband, who tries hard

(both of us are usually better than we were this morning) but often

plays out this dynamic with Zachary. We're seeing Zachary's

psychologist this afternoon, fortunately, so we can talk through it

all then. Zachary has to be the focus here, but what about when the

parents mess up? How do you all cope with your own mistakes, and

your marriages, in the midst of this chaos?

Gratefully,

Marie in central NJ

[Guest guest]

Marie,

Labels are so emotionally charged for parents. Once there is a label, it is

so much harder to be in denial about what is going on. I was very anti-label

when we started. Now my 2 kids have about 15 or so of them. I see know that it

is the shortest possible way to explain what is going on with them. People

might think a child is a brat or needs more discipline or something until they

are educated about the child and the disability. Then they can understand what

is going on and work for the child, not against them. The more other people are

aware, the more accepting they will be of kids with special needs. Then it will

not be the embarassment it is today. I am very open about everything going on

with my kids, except with my inlaws. LOL Thats my own little issue.

You just have to accept that you will make mistakes, which I don't think you

did in this case. You will just make a new one tomorrow or next week anyway.

It is very hard on a marriage to have to deal with OCD and such. Having a sense

of humor about it can help. Making sure you have a couple minutes together

without the OCD as a focus can help too. My husband usually takes a while to

accept and understand things and that makes it a little harder for me. I

usually talk about big issues with him and vent little annoyances about the OCD

to someone else.

Hope things go well at your appt today.

Ann in East Lansing

[Guest guest]

Marie,

Labels are so emotionally charged for parents. Once there is a label, it is

so much harder to be in denial about what is going on. I was very anti-label

when we started. Now my 2 kids have about 15 or so of them. I see know that it

is the shortest possible way to explain what is going on with them. People

might think a child is a brat or needs more discipline or something until they

are educated about the child and the disability. Then they can understand what

is going on and work for the child, not against them. The more other people are

aware, the more accepting they will be of kids with special needs. Then it will

not be the embarassment it is today. I am very open about everything going on

with my kids, except with my inlaws. LOL Thats my own little issue.

You just have to accept that you will make mistakes, which I don't think you

did in this case. You will just make a new one tomorrow or next week anyway.

It is very hard on a marriage to have to deal with OCD and such. Having a sense

of humor about it can help. Making sure you have a couple minutes together

without the OCD as a focus can help too. My husband usually takes a while to

accept and understand things and that makes it a little harder for me. I

usually talk about big issues with him and vent little annoyances about the OCD

to someone else.

Hope things go well at your appt today.

Ann in East Lansing

[Guest guest]

Marie, ((hugs))

Many of us have been through your experience, and worse. I, like Ann, I tend to

be very open and use education as proactive while my husband and sometimes the

kids, prefer the need to know techniques.

When in crisis a lot of what goes on is panic and not what is 'supposed to

happen'. A very important part in a relationship is being able to talk about

what is going on. Perhaps later today or on the weekend there will be time to

sit with your husband, and afterwards with your son, and discuss this morning

events. It is crucial to show that you and your husband are a team with your son

against ocd's manipulations.

It is not untypical for a person with ocd to be controlling in the amount of

information that is given out. They may say its too personal, but in fact, their

actions are very public and explanations to teachers are essential to keep open

lines of communications between the school and yourself. There are several books

that could be donated to the library to increase awareness of ocd in the school,

as you can be sure that your son is not the only one!! (I can't remember the

stats, but I think they were 2.5% of 100 students?). It is important to

externalize OCD and stress that its not your son, but OCD that is distressful.

As far as relationships go, I like to recommend that when possible, each person

in the family should have one-to-one time. This includes time just for mom and

dad. Some couple will devote a specific amount of time to discuss OCD's

influences - others never use this alone time to discuss ocd since it takes up

the rest of their lives. bottom line is still communication.

You are not alone. Take care of yourself, you are a valuable person in

everyone's lives.

wendy, in canada

(3 kids and their father with OCD+, and social work therapist)

---------------------------------

Post your free ad now! Yahoo! Canada Personals

[Guest guest]

Marie, ((hugs))

Many of us have been through your experience, and worse. I, like Ann, I tend to

be very open and use education as proactive while my husband and sometimes the

kids, prefer the need to know techniques.

When in crisis a lot of what goes on is panic and not what is 'supposed to

happen'. A very important part in a relationship is being able to talk about

what is going on. Perhaps later today or on the weekend there will be time to

sit with your husband, and afterwards with your son, and discuss this morning

events. It is crucial to show that you and your husband are a team with your son

against ocd's manipulations.

It is not untypical for a person with ocd to be controlling in the amount of

information that is given out. They may say its too personal, but in fact, their

actions are very public and explanations to teachers are essential to keep open

lines of communications between the school and yourself. There are several books

that could be donated to the library to increase awareness of ocd in the school,

as you can be sure that your son is not the only one!! (I can't remember the

stats, but I think they were 2.5% of 100 students?). It is important to

externalize OCD and stress that its not your son, but OCD that is distressful.

As far as relationships go, I like to recommend that when possible, each person

in the family should have one-to-one time. This includes time just for mom and

dad. Some couple will devote a specific amount of time to discuss OCD's

influences - others never use this alone time to discuss ocd since it takes up

the rest of their lives. bottom line is still communication.

You are not alone. Take care of yourself, you are a valuable person in

everyone's lives.

wendy, in canada

(3 kids and their father with OCD+, and social work therapist)

---------------------------------

Post your free ad now! Yahoo! Canada Personals

[Guest guest]

Oh Marie,

You didn't mess up! You just had a human moment! We all have moments, or

days, or even weeks when everything seems to be falling apart at once and

nothing we do seems right. Shall I share my award-winning moment with you??

O.K.

: the fall my daughter was diagnosed, she was seven and we had just moved to

Nevada. We were living in a tiny apartment waiting for our house to be built.

Annie was having major melt-downs on a daily basis and we didn't know what was

wrong. My husband especially didn't have a clue (I had been doing research and

had a pretty good idea by this point, but no idea how one handled it). On one

memorable evening he was shouting at her about something and she was

screaming back at him and I was telling them both to be quiet because the

neighbors

would hear (as if that's the most important thing?!) and then my three year old

son took a metal dump truck and smashed it as hard as he could into the t.v.

screen. My lovely response was to swat him on the bottom in anger - the only

time I've ever laid a hand on either of my kids - and I knew even then that I

was smacking him instead of Annie because she would have instantly starting

screaming " You said you would NEVER hit anyone! " and I would still be hearing

about it now, five years later. My poor son was just reacting to the chaos of

his

entire family falling apart. Sigh. OCD really sucks, pardon the language.

As for your son, perhaps you could tell him that there are probably

several kids in his school with OCD and his teacher has probably taught others.

There are also several kids in his class with ADHD, I'm sure, and a few with

other problems. You could point out that he doesn't know about those kids

because

everything is kept very confidential, and that the teacher will respect his

privacy also. You could also say that if he had diabetes or a food allergy,

you'd have to tell her and this is not really any different. Removing the stigma

of a brain disorder is really important, if that's what he is worried about. My

daughter has told most people about her OCD now for a few years and has never

had a negative reaction and has never been teased (and she's in middle

school!). So people are learning, gradually.

I hope you feel better after talking with the psychologist. It's very

rare for both parents to be on the same page about treating their child, at

least

for the first year or two. It'll get easier and easier. No one has shouted

around here for a long, long time.

Best wishes,

in NV

[Guest guest]

Oh Marie,

You didn't mess up! You just had a human moment! We all have moments, or

days, or even weeks when everything seems to be falling apart at once and

nothing we do seems right. Shall I share my award-winning moment with you??

O.K.

: the fall my daughter was diagnosed, she was seven and we had just moved to

Nevada. We were living in a tiny apartment waiting for our house to be built.

Annie was having major melt-downs on a daily basis and we didn't know what was

wrong. My husband especially didn't have a clue (I had been doing research and

had a pretty good idea by this point, but no idea how one handled it). On one

memorable evening he was shouting at her about something and she was

screaming back at him and I was telling them both to be quiet because the

neighbors

would hear (as if that's the most important thing?!) and then my three year old

son took a metal dump truck and smashed it as hard as he could into the t.v.

screen. My lovely response was to swat him on the bottom in anger - the only

time I've ever laid a hand on either of my kids - and I knew even then that I

was smacking him instead of Annie because she would have instantly starting

screaming " You said you would NEVER hit anyone! " and I would still be hearing

about it now, five years later. My poor son was just reacting to the chaos of

his

entire family falling apart. Sigh. OCD really sucks, pardon the language.

As for your son, perhaps you could tell him that there are probably

several kids in his school with OCD and his teacher has probably taught others.

There are also several kids in his class with ADHD, I'm sure, and a few with

other problems. You could point out that he doesn't know about those kids

because

everything is kept very confidential, and that the teacher will respect his

privacy also. You could also say that if he had diabetes or a food allergy,

you'd have to tell her and this is not really any different. Removing the stigma

of a brain disorder is really important, if that's what he is worried about. My

daughter has told most people about her OCD now for a few years and has never

had a negative reaction and has never been teased (and she's in middle

school!). So people are learning, gradually.

I hope you feel better after talking with the psychologist. It's very

rare for both parents to be on the same page about treating their child, at

least

for the first year or two. It'll get easier and easier. No one has shouted

around here for a long, long time.

Best wishes,

in NV

[Guest guest]

Oh Marie,

You didn't mess up! You just had a human moment! We all have moments, or

days, or even weeks when everything seems to be falling apart at once and

nothing we do seems right. Shall I share my award-winning moment with you??

O.K.

: the fall my daughter was diagnosed, she was seven and we had just moved to

Nevada. We were living in a tiny apartment waiting for our house to be built.

Annie was having major melt-downs on a daily basis and we didn't know what was

wrong. My husband especially didn't have a clue (I had been doing research and

had a pretty good idea by this point, but no idea how one handled it). On one

memorable evening he was shouting at her about something and she was

screaming back at him and I was telling them both to be quiet because the

neighbors

would hear (as if that's the most important thing?!) and then my three year old

son took a metal dump truck and smashed it as hard as he could into the t.v.

screen. My lovely response was to swat him on the bottom in anger - the only

time I've ever laid a hand on either of my kids - and I knew even then that I

was smacking him instead of Annie because she would have instantly starting

screaming " You said you would NEVER hit anyone! " and I would still be hearing

about it now, five years later. My poor son was just reacting to the chaos of

his

entire family falling apart. Sigh. OCD really sucks, pardon the language.

As for your son, perhaps you could tell him that there are probably

several kids in his school with OCD and his teacher has probably taught others.

There are also several kids in his class with ADHD, I'm sure, and a few with

other problems. You could point out that he doesn't know about those kids

because

everything is kept very confidential, and that the teacher will respect his

privacy also. You could also say that if he had diabetes or a food allergy,

you'd have to tell her and this is not really any different. Removing the stigma

of a brain disorder is really important, if that's what he is worried about. My

daughter has told most people about her OCD now for a few years and has never

had a negative reaction and has never been teased (and she's in middle

school!). So people are learning, gradually.

I hope you feel better after talking with the psychologist. It's very

rare for both parents to be on the same page about treating their child, at

least

for the first year or two. It'll get easier and easier. No one has shouted

around here for a long, long time.

Best wishes,

in NV

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi everyone, I only post infrequently but appreciate this group so

> much. My almost-7-year-old son Zachary has pretty severe OCD, and

we

> live the whirlwind life as most of you do. He does CBT/ERP and is

on

> prozac; the pdoc just put him on abilify as well, which I hope

will

> help.

>

> Today I'm feeling so discouraged and just wonder how the rest of

you

> cope when you mess up with your kids. This morning Zachary got

very

> upset with me, and my husband came in and did a typical thing (for

> him), which is to try to rescue our child in a way that made me

feel

> like they were both against me. This had to do with the fact that

I

> recently told Zachary's 1st-grade teacher all about the OCD, as

the

> pdoc and psychologist both said I should - and this teacher has

> really been terrific about it, very kind to me and to Z. Zachary

> knows I've spoken with her a lot about his hand-washing and hand-

> licking, but I guess I'd failed to specify that I'd been explicit

> about it as OCD (my big mistake). When I mentioned her kindness

> about the OCD this morning, Zachary blew up at me, " You mean she

> knows I have OCD?!?!? " . I was trying to talk to him about why

this

> had been necessary and to assure him that his teacher really

thinks

> he's wonderful and wants to help him however she can, but then my

> husband came in and acted like I'd really messed up. So then I'm

> afraid that my strength failed me and I got upset with my husband,

> and soon my son was crying for us to get along. I was there

saying

> to husband, " Please, just explain to him that we both agreed this

was

> the right thing to do, to talk with the teacher, that it's

important

> and it doesn't make her think badly of him at all, nothing to be

> ashamed of, " but dh just kept looking at me like I had two heads

and

> wouldn't address this issue at all with our son, just soothed him

as

> if to distance him from me. . . . My husband, incidentally, has

> openly admitted to me that he does feel ashamed and disappointed

> about Zachary's OCD, so my guess here is that he really does want

to

> make me " the heavy " about talking to the teacher. And he clearly

> wants to be Z's rescuer and protector, regardless of what the

psych

> and all the books say.

>

> It's crazy-making for all of us, living with OCD in the

household. I

> find it hard to forgive myself when I mess up this way, and I find

it

> hard sometimes to work cooperatively with my husband, who tries

hard

> (both of us are usually better than we were this morning) but

often

> plays out this dynamic with Zachary. We're seeing Zachary's

> psychologist this afternoon, fortunately, so we can talk through

it

> all then. Zachary has to be the focus here, but what about when

the

> parents mess up? How do you all cope with your own mistakes, and

> your marriages, in the midst of this chaos?

>

> Gratefully,

> Marie in central NJ

Hi Marie,

I know how hard OCD can be on a marriage and on the entire family.

When my daughter's rituals and compulsions were in full swing I

honestly don't know how we made it through. I remember waking up in

the morning and being in shock - wondering if this was real. It was

always on my mind (it still is to a degree). Every decision we

made, every activity that we tried to participate in (involving our

other kids, holidays etc.) had to be planned so carefully. We

constantly had to decide how and if we could manage them with her

OCD. It is unbelievably stressful on a relationship. My husband

and I " fell apart " all the time. The best advice that I can give is

to try to not dwell on the specific issues/conflicts that arise

during disagreements. A lot of our anger and frustration was the

result of our anger and frustration with OCD in general and, because

we could, we'd take these emotions out on each other. We were in

crisis and were just trying to make it through the day. When you

can, take a step back and try to realize that you probably both have

your child's best interests in mind. Maybe the planning can take

place when both of you are in a better frame of mind and able to

discuss it. Also, we went to a marriage therapist regularly. This

was essential. It gave us the opportunity to discuss these issues

in a setting where we could keep calm because, at times, we weren't

able to do this without outside help.

Hang in there because it will get better.