Validation from non-BP parent

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I'm having lunch with my dad (non-BP) next week, and I plan on discussing some

of my feelings with him. I'm not quite sure where in OZ he's at right now...

here's a chronology:

1) Up until the distortion campaign last fall (nada accused him of a lifetime

of being emotionally abusive), he made excuses for her behavior. Whenever I

talked to him about how I felt, he told me that I had to let go of the past,

that I had to let go of the anger, that she's done lots of wonderful things for

me, etc., etc. This response makes his participation in my upbringing crystal

clear... he did not counter nada by validating my feelings, he joined in the

invalidation of them. I know he was doing the best he knew how, but it wasn't

good enough.

2) After the distortion campaign started, I found out about BPD and my Dad and

I shared a lot of things, and supported each other. He was much more accepting

of my feelings. While initially open to BPD, he later thought nada really

didn't fit the criteria. Then he went to see a psychiatrist (to appease nada

because he's " emotionally abusive " , but really so he could learn how to deal

with her) who told him she most likely DID have BPD (boy, that sure made me

feel good... I even felt a little like saying " I told you so " -- it was so nice

to have SOMEONE, ANYONE, validate the way I felt after all those years).

3) Since entering therapy, he has shared very little with me, and has not made

himself very available to me. I'm wondering if his therapist told him not to

drag me into the middle of things. But, he has also made a HUGE effort to

include nada in EVERYTHING we do. If I call and he answers the phone, he tells

her to pick up another extension so we can all talk " together " (yippee). This

is a new behavior. I'm guessing he's decided that he doesn't want to lie to

her anymore (a noble goal), but he's accomplishing this by eliminating

behaviors that he would need to lie about. For example, I think he views

talking to me about my upbringing and resultant feelings, and not telling nada

about it (which he obviously cannot do), as lying and " disloyal " . So he just

doesn't make himself available to me. Not so noble. (All of this is

speculation on my part, BTW).

I can certainly understand his discomfort at leading a " double life " . In his

relationship with me, we are open and honest about the past and the way we

feel, but whenever nada enters into the picture we have to revert to the status

quo. I can see how this would make him feel like he would have to hide things

from her. AND, she's already upset that he and I have such a good relationship

-- she ALREADY feels excluded. So, if we intensified it and started having

this great relationship that she had to be left out of (even if we did it

mostly via e-mail and telephone), I think he fears that she would sense

something or " catch " us and become even more pissed. And, since he lives with

her and I don't, he would bear the brunt of her rage. And, I plain and simple

can't blame him for not wanting to hide things from his spouse (although that

seems to be the name of the game when you're married to a BP).

This is little comfort to me, though. I know that my dad has the capacity to

give me the things I so desperately want in a relationship with him. I'm

terrified, though, that he will choose not to because I'm not important enough

to him to put his fears/concerns/whatever about nada aside and just deal with

ME. I empathize so much with the position it would put him in, I find myself

willing to set aside my needs so he doesn't have to get into a compromising

situation. I think I also fear that he will choose her over me (rejecting me

once again), so it seems safer not to even ask him and therefore not risk the

rejection and hurt all over again. I'll still do it, though... I've gotten to

the point in my journey where I find it nearly impossible to deny myself things

I know I deserve, even when I'm terrified.

Just some rambling thoughts today. Thanks for listening, this has really

helped me put words on what was previously just a vague sense of fear.

And by the way, I've already decided what to do if he pulls that " let go of

your anger " crap when we meet for lunch... I will evenly ask him if he is aware

that he is participating with nada in the invalidation of my SELF!

Hugs,

Anon

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