Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Dear Tracey, I can feel the pain in your post. It is so hard to see your child ignored esp. by family members. I think you did the right thing. Some people are so stupid that you have to tell them what you need from them...and again and again. I have a similiar situation with my mother. After years of feeling bad, hurt, anxious, etc, I told her what I needed which was for her to not act like my (11) did not exist. She was OK for awhile. I noticed that she tried to speak to on 1 or 2 occasions. Then things were the same. For my OWN sanity, I distanced myself from my mother. I told her why and then did it. I haven't spoken to her in months. Its not a solution but I feel SOOOOO much BETTER. Good luck! Maureen From: Duane and Tracey Pratt To: Autism_in_Girls Sent: 7/12/01 6:59:38 PM Subject: overlooked Hi Everyone I have a question. Does anyone else find that their autistic daughter is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our oldest daughter Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of my cousins always buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around in October they never get her anything. They will ask if Coral enjoyed the movie we took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. These are just a couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else has this problem? I told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going to buy for Skylar this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy for Coral either. They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its okay if they just don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with their attitude. That entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) seem to treat Skylar like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't care. I am really tired of it. Sorry all, just had to vent! Thanks Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Dear Tracey, I can feel the pain in your post. It is so hard to see your child ignored esp. by family members. I think you did the right thing. Some people are so stupid that you have to tell them what you need from them...and again and again. I have a similiar situation with my mother. After years of feeling bad, hurt, anxious, etc, I told her what I needed which was for her to not act like my (11) did not exist. She was OK for awhile. I noticed that she tried to speak to on 1 or 2 occasions. Then things were the same. For my OWN sanity, I distanced myself from my mother. I told her why and then did it. I haven't spoken to her in months. Its not a solution but I feel SOOOOO much BETTER. Good luck! Maureen From: Duane and Tracey Pratt To: Autism_in_Girls Sent: 7/12/01 6:59:38 PM Subject: overlooked Hi Everyone I have a question. Does anyone else find that their autistic daughter is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our oldest daughter Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of my cousins always buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around in October they never get her anything. They will ask if Coral enjoyed the movie we took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. These are just a couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else has this problem? I told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going to buy for Skylar this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy for Coral either. They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its okay if they just don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with their attitude. That entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) seem to treat Skylar like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't care. I am really tired of it. Sorry all, just had to vent! Thanks Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Dear Tracey, I can feel the pain in your post. It is so hard to see your child ignored esp. by family members. I think you did the right thing. Some people are so stupid that you have to tell them what you need from them...and again and again. I have a similiar situation with my mother. After years of feeling bad, hurt, anxious, etc, I told her what I needed which was for her to not act like my (11) did not exist. She was OK for awhile. I noticed that she tried to speak to on 1 or 2 occasions. Then things were the same. For my OWN sanity, I distanced myself from my mother. I told her why and then did it. I haven't spoken to her in months. Its not a solution but I feel SOOOOO much BETTER. Good luck! Maureen From: Duane and Tracey Pratt To: Autism_in_Girls Sent: 7/12/01 6:59:38 PM Subject: overlooked Hi Everyone I have a question. Does anyone else find that their autistic daughter is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our oldest daughter Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of my cousins always buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around in October they never get her anything. They will ask if Coral enjoyed the movie we took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. These are just a couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else has this problem? I told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going to buy for Skylar this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy for Coral either. They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its okay if they just don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with their attitude. That entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) seem to treat Skylar like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't care. I am really tired of it. Sorry all, just had to vent! Thanks Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Thanks Penny I am glad to hear that its not just my opinion. I have been told that I am overly sensitive when it comes to Sky. So I wasn't sure if it was just me or if it really was as thoughtless as it seemed. Tracey Penny wrote: oh Tracey...That is just sad, and i'm sorry to say, quite ignorant of them!!! and, well, just RUDE! (I'm in a mood, sorry!) They should treat your children equally, I think. Penny - who doesn't have this problem because I've moved far, far away from my family -------------------------------------------------------- "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." --Henry Thoreau Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Thanks Penny I am glad to hear that its not just my opinion. I have been told that I am overly sensitive when it comes to Sky. So I wasn't sure if it was just me or if it really was as thoughtless as it seemed. Tracey Penny wrote: oh Tracey...That is just sad, and i'm sorry to say, quite ignorant of them!!! and, well, just RUDE! (I'm in a mood, sorry!) They should treat your children equally, I think. Penny - who doesn't have this problem because I've moved far, far away from my family -------------------------------------------------------- "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." --Henry Thoreau Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Thanks Penny I am glad to hear that its not just my opinion. I have been told that I am overly sensitive when it comes to Sky. So I wasn't sure if it was just me or if it really was as thoughtless as it seemed. Tracey Penny wrote: oh Tracey...That is just sad, and i'm sorry to say, quite ignorant of them!!! and, well, just RUDE! (I'm in a mood, sorry!) They should treat your children equally, I think. Penny - who doesn't have this problem because I've moved far, far away from my family -------------------------------------------------------- "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." --Henry Thoreau Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 oh Tracey...That is just sad, and i'm sorry to say, quite ignorant of them!!! and, well, just RUDE! (I'm in a mood, sorry!) They should treat your children equally, I think. Penny - who doesn't have this problem because I've moved far, far away from my family-------------------------------------------------------- " If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. " --Henry Thoreau Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 oh Tracey...That is just sad, and i'm sorry to say, quite ignorant of them!!! and, well, just RUDE! (I'm in a mood, sorry!) They should treat your children equally, I think. Penny - who doesn't have this problem because I've moved far, far away from my family-------------------------------------------------------- " If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. " --Henry Thoreau Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 What horrible behavior! I'm not surprised that some would act this way, you see favoritism in families that don't have a disabled child. I would do or say whatever to make sure this stops. Bridget would certainly notice if got something and she didn't! I have a little problem the other way...I feel that my husband and his mom tend to favor Bridget just a tad and it bugs me! Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 What horrible behavior! I'm not surprised that some would act this way, you see favoritism in families that don't have a disabled child. I would do or say whatever to make sure this stops. Bridget would certainly notice if got something and she didn't! I have a little problem the other way...I feel that my husband and his mom tend to favor Bridget just a tad and it bugs me! Deanna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 You are right, these girls are often ignored. As you say, people think it doesn't matter. That is just something they are assuming because they really haven't paid enough attention to the child to know. I recently did not buy magazines from my daughter's cousin's fund raising project because, although this cousin is just a year younger than Jan, she has never made any attempt to talk to her. Rightly or wrongly, I tend to judge people by the way they treat Jan. Tamara --- Duane and Tracey Pratt wrote: > Hi Everyone > I have a question. Does anyone else find that their > autistic daughter > is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our > oldest daughter > Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of > my cousins always > buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around > in October they > never get her anything. They will ask if Coral > enjoyed the movie we > took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. > These are just a > couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else > has this problem? I > told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going > to buy for Skylar > this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy > for Coral either. > They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its > okay if they just > don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with > their attitude. That > entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) > seem to treat Skylar > like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't > care. I am really tired > of it. > Sorry all, just had to vent! > Thanks > Tracey > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 You are right, these girls are often ignored. As you say, people think it doesn't matter. That is just something they are assuming because they really haven't paid enough attention to the child to know. I recently did not buy magazines from my daughter's cousin's fund raising project because, although this cousin is just a year younger than Jan, she has never made any attempt to talk to her. Rightly or wrongly, I tend to judge people by the way they treat Jan. Tamara --- Duane and Tracey Pratt wrote: > Hi Everyone > I have a question. Does anyone else find that their > autistic daughter > is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our > oldest daughter > Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of > my cousins always > buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around > in October they > never get her anything. They will ask if Coral > enjoyed the movie we > took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. > These are just a > couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else > has this problem? I > told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going > to buy for Skylar > this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy > for Coral either. > They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its > okay if they just > don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with > their attitude. That > entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) > seem to treat Skylar > like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't > care. I am really tired > of it. > Sorry all, just had to vent! > Thanks > Tracey > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 You are right, these girls are often ignored. As you say, people think it doesn't matter. That is just something they are assuming because they really haven't paid enough attention to the child to know. I recently did not buy magazines from my daughter's cousin's fund raising project because, although this cousin is just a year younger than Jan, she has never made any attempt to talk to her. Rightly or wrongly, I tend to judge people by the way they treat Jan. Tamara --- Duane and Tracey Pratt wrote: > Hi Everyone > I have a question. Does anyone else find that their > autistic daughter > is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our > oldest daughter > Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of > my cousins always > buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around > in October they > never get her anything. They will ask if Coral > enjoyed the movie we > took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. > These are just a > couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else > has this problem? I > told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going > to buy for Skylar > this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy > for Coral either. > They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its > okay if they just > don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with > their attitude. That > entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) > seem to treat Skylar > like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't > care. I am really tired > of it. > Sorry all, just had to vent! > Thanks > Tracey > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Juniper does get overlooked somewhat. My family is really good about it, always ask about her, and so on. Hubby's family doesn't seem quite to know what to do with her. They don't know what to get her for Christmas and birthdays, so she always gets the same things, t- shirts and teddy bears, mostly, which she has way too many of (though she doesn't mind, she loves them!). Her sisters, who are both out on their own now, are very good about her, though. Of course, they know her better than just about anyone else besides me! She gets overlooked a little even at church, as long as she doesn't get too obnoxious (temper tantrums once in a while still) -- our folks there love her, but don't live with her and don't always quite know what to do with her. She gets left out of the activities of the young people her own age, I know most of the time she wouldn't be able to keep up (hikes) or participate at all (they are doing a bike trip this Saturday, and she can't ride a bike), but sometimes they do things that she could partipate in and I feel a little badly that she isn't invited. Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Juniper does get overlooked somewhat. My family is really good about it, always ask about her, and so on. Hubby's family doesn't seem quite to know what to do with her. They don't know what to get her for Christmas and birthdays, so she always gets the same things, t- shirts and teddy bears, mostly, which she has way too many of (though she doesn't mind, she loves them!). Her sisters, who are both out on their own now, are very good about her, though. Of course, they know her better than just about anyone else besides me! She gets overlooked a little even at church, as long as she doesn't get too obnoxious (temper tantrums once in a while still) -- our folks there love her, but don't live with her and don't always quite know what to do with her. She gets left out of the activities of the young people her own age, I know most of the time she wouldn't be able to keep up (hikes) or participate at all (they are doing a bike trip this Saturday, and she can't ride a bike), but sometimes they do things that she could partipate in and I feel a little badly that she isn't invited. Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Juniper does get overlooked somewhat. My family is really good about it, always ask about her, and so on. Hubby's family doesn't seem quite to know what to do with her. They don't know what to get her for Christmas and birthdays, so she always gets the same things, t- shirts and teddy bears, mostly, which she has way too many of (though she doesn't mind, she loves them!). Her sisters, who are both out on their own now, are very good about her, though. Of course, they know her better than just about anyone else besides me! She gets overlooked a little even at church, as long as she doesn't get too obnoxious (temper tantrums once in a while still) -- our folks there love her, but don't live with her and don't always quite know what to do with her. She gets left out of the activities of the young people her own age, I know most of the time she wouldn't be able to keep up (hikes) or participate at all (they are doing a bike trip this Saturday, and she can't ride a bike), but sometimes they do things that she could partipate in and I feel a little badly that she isn't invited. Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 > Maureen > That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must > have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people > think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore > them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength > to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are > capable of when it comes to our kids. > > Tracey Tracey, I really think that most people just DON'T KNOW what to do with a handicapped child, even if it's their own family -- unless they live with them. And there have been enough stories of fathers having similar problems just in the short time since I found this list that I don't think even living with the child is a guarantee -- some people are just clueless. I don't know why it is that almost everyone in my family seems to treat Juniper just the way she needs to be treated without any help or direction, while my husband's family are among the clueless. But if she spent time with my mother, Mom would take her for a walk, or read to her, or something, while her other grandmother would park her in front of the TV with a dish of ice cream -- both things that make Juniper happy, but a cop-out for her grandma who doesn't know what else to do with her. My husband has lived with Juniper all her 21 years, and isn't much better than his mother about knowing what to do with her! He tries, I have to give him credit for that, and he does do things with her once in a while, but usually because I ask him to, or one of her sisters does. And then, of course, there's the problem that some people think a person with an intellectual disability is less human somehow, less important, less of a person with an individual personality, that they don't notice slights or care about things. I just remembered the first time I realized that Juniper DID notice when her sisters got things she didn't get. Our two older girls had had ponies, but we were preparing to move and wouldn't be able to keep the ponies, so for middle daughter's 12th birthday, we got bikes for the two older girls. None for Juniper, as at that point she still didn't know how to pedal, and to this day she can't ride a bike. But she had a hissy fit for two days because they got bikes and she didn't! (She still wasn't very verbal, so I had to guess at what was going on.) We didn't make that mistake again!! And it does help, if someone is making you miserable, to just stay away from them. I haven't spent time with my husband's parents in over four years, and it's been wonderful not having that stress in my life! Kathleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Yes, it can tend the happen, i have seen it happen myself. I'm not sure whether sometimes they do it on purpose, or they are not sure how to relate to the child, possible, that it is a bit of both. If they are doing it intentionally, sit them down and tell them off!!!! no two ways about it!!! Cheryl Re: overlooked Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Yes, it can tend the happen, i have seen it happen myself. I'm not sure whether sometimes they do it on purpose, or they are not sure how to relate to the child, possible, that it is a bit of both. If they are doing it intentionally, sit them down and tell them off!!!! no two ways about it!!! Cheryl Re: overlooked Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 Yes, it can tend the happen, i have seen it happen myself. I'm not sure whether sometimes they do it on purpose, or they are not sure how to relate to the child, possible, that it is a bit of both. If they are doing it intentionally, sit them down and tell them off!!!! no two ways about it!!! Cheryl Re: overlooked Maureen That is terrible that your mother treated like that. That must have been very painful for you. I just don't understand why some people think that just because our chidren are autistic that its okay to ignore them or pretend they don't exist. I applaud you for having the strength to distance yourself from you mother. I find its amazing what we are capable of when it comes to our kids. Tracey Maureen Mccaffrey wrote: > Part 1.1Type: Plain Text (text/plain) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 That's ok, Tracey, i know the feeling. Our eldest was and probably still is the favourite, and poor little Hannah, just gets left behind. Birthdays come, in the past, the relatives would all make the effort to come to Leah's, but when Hannah's came along, they would struggle to get here, or not at all, and when they do they hardly pay any attention. Now both of them are at school, i just concentrate on inviting a few girls from school, i tell the relatives that is't on, but i simply say, that if they cannot make it don;t worry, as they will have friends anyway!!!, to heck with them, either treat equally, or forget it!!! overlooked Hi Everyone I have a question. Does anyone else find that their autistic daughter is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our oldest daughter Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of my cousins always buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around in October they never get her anything. They will ask if Coral enjoyed the movie we took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. These are just a couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else has this problem? I told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going to buy for Skylar this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy for Coral either. They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its okay if they just don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with their attitude. That entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) seem to treat Skylar like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't care. I am really tired of it. Sorry all, just had to vent! Thanks Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2001 Report Share Posted July 12, 2001 That's ok, Tracey, i know the feeling. Our eldest was and probably still is the favourite, and poor little Hannah, just gets left behind. Birthdays come, in the past, the relatives would all make the effort to come to Leah's, but when Hannah's came along, they would struggle to get here, or not at all, and when they do they hardly pay any attention. Now both of them are at school, i just concentrate on inviting a few girls from school, i tell the relatives that is't on, but i simply say, that if they cannot make it don;t worry, as they will have friends anyway!!!, to heck with them, either treat equally, or forget it!!! overlooked Hi Everyone I have a question. Does anyone else find that their autistic daughter is overlooked for things. For example, Sat. is our oldest daughter Coral's birthday she will be 11. My Aunt and one of my cousins always buy for her but when Skylar's birthday comes around in October they never get her anything. They will ask if Coral enjoyed the movie we took them too, but don't think to ask about Sky. These are just a couple of examples. I was wondering if anyone else has this problem? I told my Aunt the other day that if she wasn't going to buy for Skylar this year I would appreciate it if she didn't buy for Coral either. They seem to think that Skylar won't notice so its okay if they just don't bother. I am getting very frustrated with their attitude. That entire part of my family (Aunt, Uncle, and cousins) seem to treat Skylar like she won't notice, won't be hurt or doesn't care. I am really tired of it. Sorry all, just had to vent! Thanks Tracey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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