Re: Re: losing self confidence in relationships

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

The good thing is that you can do something about

this. I also have a very hard time confronting

someone in a neutral way re: a problem. As well, I

have experienced many times the issue of not bringing

up issues until they build up and I explode.

Overtime, I practised bringing up issues that were

about my needs, desires or limits. Often, I still

don't want to, I get scared that by saying these

things that the person will get mad (nada got mad, and

then wouldn't speak to me for days) and not want to be

with me anymore. Unfortunately, not bringing them up

leads to a situation like yours where you are seen as

so angry and unpredictible that people end up not want

to be with you anyway.

My suggestions: try bringing up small issues in a

neutral way. At first it feels pretty uncomfortable

and I noticed that when I first did this, if I didn't

get the answer I wanted, I would start to get angry.

Since it was a small thing, I could feel the anger and

do something about it (like sit with it) and continue

the conversation. I still get defensive sometimes,

and when I hear myself do that, I try to respond

versus react. It definitely takes practise. But as

you feel more comfortable, you will begin to bring

things up more easily, thus diffusing your anger much

earlier on. It is hard, and takes practice.

The issue of self-confidence can be approached many

different ways. Some things that have worked for me:

- write down all the good things about yourself, why

people like you, why you like yourself - look at it

when you start feeling like you are unworthy, not good

enough, etc. Eventually, these words will sink in,

replacing the negetive criticisms that lodged in your

brain from childhood.

- realize that you deserve good things - start first

by giving yourself small rewards/presents when you

need them. I wrote down 10 things that make me feel

good that I try to do everyweek. For me it is things

like reading a book, taking a bath, talking with my

children, sewing etc. Take care of yourself as if you

are grieving and need TLC. You do need TLC because

you didn't get it from your parents or nada. Lots of

anger comes from grief - losses from the past that may

have been repressed, such as the loss of the ideal

family fantasy can cause profound grief. Anger also

comes from fear - try to identify what is scaring you

- is it further loss of someone you got close to,

abandonment, feel unworthy if not with someone, etc?

Hope these help, I wish you the best in your efforts

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> The problem is that until now I had that loss of

> self confidence in

> all my relationships and I cannot really say that my

> exbf was

> negative about me as he was often very positive. He

> was also very

> reliable and helpful. I really think he wanted to

> make it work

> between us.

> The problem is that our communication went

> completely wrong. I have

> huge problems to bring up something that bothers me

> in a normal way.

> Either I don't bring it up or I explode. The more of

> these explosions

> happened, the more my exbf became angry with me. In

> the end he did

> not take me seriously anymore; he thought I brought

> up things just to

> be obnoxious.

> I think that because of my youth, I create difficult

> situations in my

> relationships and my partners have difficulties

> coping with it.

>

>

>

> >

> > >I think the problem was more in the dynamics of

> our relationship. I

> > >felt very good about myself when we met and I

> guess that was also

> why

> > >he was attracted to me. It is not the first time

> though that once

> the

> > >relationship consolidates that I lose a lot of my

> selfconfidence. I

> > >become very dependent and unsure.

> >

> > This raises a red flag for me. Your experience

> may be different

> from mine

> > and I do not mean to say that your reasons for

> losing self

> confidence are

> > the same as mine, but I felt it was important to

> share this thought.

> >

> > I also recognize the pattern of losing self

> confidence as a

> relationship

> > progresses. With my exbf I felt a lot worse about

> myself a few

> months into

> > the relationship than I did at the beginning.

> This went on for as

> long as

> > we were together, almost two years. Looking back,

> I now realize

> that this

> > happened because my exbf was verbally abusive. I

> did not recover

> my self

> > esteem until well after we broke up.

> >

> > Now this is a warning sign to me that if I start

> to feel bad about

> myself in

> > a relationship I need to ask some hard questions

> about why. In my

> case I

> > was being treated as if I wasn't smart enough or

> capable enough to

> make my

> > own decisions or know how to behave in everyday

> situations. My

> exbf used to

> > criticise what I wore, what I read, my friends, my

> beliefs, and

> choices that

> > I made no matter how small. No wonder I felt so

> worthless!

> >

> > Again, I'm in no position to say that your loss of

> self esteem was

> a result

> > of verbal abuse by you exbf, only that it may be

> something to

> consider.

> > Since realizing that pattern in my life, losing my

> self confidence

> when in a

> > relationship is an alarm bell for me.

> >

> > Respectfully,

> >

> >

> >

>

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