9. Humor, Lasagna Therapy, Off Topic Posts: Guideline of Day

[Guest guest]

(A portion of the guidelines to the WTO groups are sent out each day because

alltogether they can be rather overwhelming. They are sent to all lists in

approximate order of what is important and are not making any comment on any

particular message on any one of the WTO groups. Please note our guidelines

have developed over the years by the group as a whole to meet situations that

come up again and again. Before you post, you must agree to try to read and

try to meet them. If you have any questions, comments, or feelings you wish

to voice about the guidelines, please write to at bear454us@...

or RandiBPD@.... Thank you!)

It is your RIGHT to read posts reflecting the purpose of this list. However,

it is also your RIGHT to have fun and get to know other members. Therefore it

is your RESPONSIBILITY to:

* Keep in mind that anything you write is going to 50-700 other people who

all have busy lives. Please keep posts on topic.

* Please especially avoid off topic discussions that have the potential to

generate strong or hurt feelings. We all have our personal views on sex,

politics, abortion, feminism, Macs Vs PC's, the existence of God and which

way to hang the toilet paper. But discussions of these topics belong someone

else--perhaps on the " Which Way to Roll the Toilet Paper " LISTSERV

facilitated by Martha .

* Humor and fun is necessary and is a viral part of this list. However,

please restrain yourself from going overboard on the regular lists. If you

have off-topic information you feel is important, simply put it at the end of

a post about BPD. People need to laugh and some posting of this nature can be

healthy, and on smaller groups this is less of a problem. But people unsub

every day because of " too much mail, " so please be careful, use your best

judgment, and if the subject is about something off topic, please write OFF

TOPIC or OT in the subject line.

* This also goes for news about yourself: for example, people have other

concerns and want to share them with other members. See the post above and

use your best judgment.

* To keep down list clutter, please avoid one line posts that do not add

substantially to the discussion. Or, send them off list to the member.

* If you want additional company or the chance to get to know fellow members

better, you can choose to participate in real time chat and talk about

whatever you like. Please send a message to Greyh2o2@... or

DeborahSu@... for more info. Or, join WTOChat by going to

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOChat.

Following is something written by list facilitator about humor and off

topic posts.

HUMOR GUIDELINES AND OFF TOPIC POSTS

By (bear454us@...)

I'd like to see if I can help give clarification to those boundaries between

the kinds of humor we want to see on the lists, vs. those kinds of humor we'd

rather not see get posted.

PRINCIPLES, NOT DEFINITIONS

I'm not going to try to describe a clear line between " good " humor and " bad "

humor, because I just don't think that will work for anybody.

What I'm going to try to do instead is describe how humor functions in

discussions. After that, I'm going to try to compare those functions with the

goals of our list. That way, it will be largely up to everybody's good

judgment to contribute toward the major goals of our list, without anyone

feeling obligated to have to walk on eggshells

themselves by shutting down their own personal funny bones. OK so far?

FUNCTIONS OF HUMOR

Several people have talked about the important part that humor has played in

their healing on these lists. I agree with those statements fully. It has

long been my experience that humor has three specific functions that give it

a crucially important place in growth and healing.

1. First, humor acts as an anesthetic. That is, it helps make the pain

bearable. The reason that is important is because human growth is painful,

and sometimes it can be excruciatingly painful. I don't think I have to

convince anyone here of that fact, do I? I don't know the breakdown of the

list, in terms of who lives where geographically, but here in the USA we

largely live in a culture in which it is falsely believed that to be " normal "

and " healthy " means living pain-free.

I will politely say that I consider that belief to be a complete crock.

Healthy living means often living fully despite the inevitable pains of life,

and also finding occasional joys that transcend the pain. That is purely my

own belief, but it works for me, and I've seen it work for other people too.

It might even be the greatest lesson life has taught me so far: no matter how

bad the pain of living can be, there are things which are infinitely more

IMPORTANT than the pain.

Some of the greatest satisfaction in my life has been discovering my painful

circumstances to help someone else avoid similar painful circumstances, or

give them comfort as they endure the same thing. For anyone who wants a label

for that belief, you can call it existential psychology, because the reality

for me is that MEANINGFUL pain is endurable pain. Which brings me to the

second function of humor.

2. Humor serves to add breadth and depth to our limited human perspectives. I

have a good friend who sustained extensive brain damage in a series of

accidents. I can't think of a whole lot of things more tragic than that, yet

one of the greatest things I share with this friend is humor. He has a

wonderful ability to take situations and look

at the hidden side, and sometimes this involves exercising a delightful sense

of humor regardless of the associated pathos. It helps. It heals, and it is

funny. I don't think I can ever forget what my friend said one day when

discussing the horrible aftermath of his accidents.

In a quietly studious tone, and with a deadly serious expression, he said, " I

was all right until I fell out of a well and got run over by an airplane. " As

a result, he and I both howled with laughter over his terrible tragedy. And

we both went away emotionally stronger as a result. Humor somehow helped us

see a bigger picture.

3. Humor serves as a social lubricant. Some of our topics are awkward,

embarrassing, ugly and clumsy. They are just plain hard to deal with. Humor

simply makes it easier. It is an uphill battle at best, to fight our way out

of some of the dilemmas life has brought us. We need every advantage we can

get, and humor is one energizing way of helping us to see ourselves as being

all in the same boat. The fact that that she is a Border Line Cruise Patrol

Boat becomes something that pulls us together instead of isolating and

alienating us.

4. Having specified the ways in which humor encourages growth and healing,

I'm going to also mention the flip side of the coin, that is, one way in

which humor can interfere. Humor can serve as an effective means to hide

from, and avoid dealing with, important issues. This is the kind of humor

we'd rather not see posted here.

Examples include totally irrelevant or potentially tasteless humor (e.g., the

Rabbi, Priest and Minister were stuck in a lifeboat... " ) or snide tasteless

humor (i.e., anything about Clinton).

Back to the first side of the coin: the banter that I've seen spontaneously

emerge during the course of painful and/or difficult discussion about living

and dealing with BPD has been very productive humor, every single time.

Who can forget " Lasagna Therapy, " when a list member described how a

well-placed dumping of noodles, cheese, and tomato sauce in the lap of a

raging BP stopped criticism about the non's way of eating in an instant? But

it was also very instructive for all of us, since it addressed some of the

most key topics surrounding setting boundaries between BP's and Nons.

But can we define " Lasagna " humor as on-topic, and some other humor subject

as " off-topic? " I don't think so. Unfortunately, it is somewhat of a

subjective judgment call. If it comes down to it, though, I'm willing to be

the one to make that judgment and take the heat for it, because I've seen

what this list can facilitate, and I want

to see it keep happening.

I love what this list is doing. I love what people are using it for, and I

love where I see some people going as a result. I'm a flat-out healing

junkie, and I get high as a kite from being with people who are addressing

and overcoming problems in their

lives. Each and every time I see someone take charge and empower themselves,

it empowers me just a little bit more, too. I don't think any of us can ever

be too empowered in this life here on planet Earth, so I'm in for the long

haul on being a healing junkie.

Now: I want to offer a cautious word about where we are on these lists, and

where I see us headed. Based on the quantities of topics on various subjects,

I see these lists serving, first and foremost, as an education center for

practical information on coping with BPD. I don't want to see that change,

because I think that is where the most help lies for the greatest number of

people.

Secondly, I see these lists functioning as a place where people can form

bonds based on their joyful discovery that they are not alone. I see these

friendship bonds as being very important. Thirdly, I see evidence that some

list members may be moving towards a closer examination of their own deeper

issues related to their

status as Nons. If we do begin to go deeper into these issues, then we're

gonna need humor, because some of these issues are excruciatingly painful,

and possibly even disorienting at times.

Bless you all, I see enough of you reaching out to grab that golden ring of

positive health that I want to encourage that, even if we go past the

original blueprints for these lists that Randi so caringly created. If we

want to reach for bigger and better things, as in joyful and healthy living,

then I'm all for it -- never mind how hard and painful that journey might be.

The important thing is that we honor that process, without diminishing the

other good

things which are already happening here for everyone else.

I'll bring this to a conclusion by saying that I love being a part of these

lists. I am very glad for the fact that Randi and all of you have offered me

this opportunity, because in the short time I have been acting as a

facilitator here, I have experienced a great deal of learning and sharing

with you. It has been fun, it has been energizing, and I am using comma

splices, so evidently I need to descend from my cloud of

exhilaration over successes and new possibilities and get back to the here

and now.

In the here and now, I sense a high level of respect between list members,

and that is undoubtedly one of the keys to the good things taking place here.

I'm sure it helps that we've all been personally exposed to projection and

splitting, and thus we're not quite as vulnerable to falling into it as some

other groups and lists. We know what raging is, because we have seen it;

therefore, we're not naive to the fact that flaming posts are about the

person doing the flaming, and not about the flame's recipient. (It also helps

that flaming posts are forbidden in the guidelines -- LOL.)

We're a step ahead in that regard, because in other lists I have been on,

people have

not been quite so savvy about the fact that flaming is, pure and simple, an

obvious cyber version of splitting and projection. Here, we know better.

Anyone who hasn't been able to figure that out for themselves has apparently

gone elsewhere, and that means we're in safe company, doing our own thing.

And with that 60's cliche, I'll stop. I'll be glad to answer any questions

about what I've said, and otherwise I'll assume we're all on the same page

and just say " Carry on. "

Salutes to all,

the Bear

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com

Randi Kreger

List owner, Welcome To Oz Lists

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

Love and Loathing, Hope for Parents

www.BPDCentral.com