how does one do archive search here

[Guest guest]

I to be of looking for a topic of my define me speech I to sent here

a time back I to think in spring or summer of 2003.

Sondra

[Guest guest]

Sondra,

Here is your message....to search archives you go to the main group

page and there is a window for archive search in which you type the

topic. that's how I found it.

(this is my topic for my presentation I to be giving in August in my

areas,

please do not be to share it off list}

I am a person with autism, this is true, but Autism is not who I am in

life.

I am Sondra, a person with ability, thinking, and feeling. I much want

to be

seen as a human, and be regarded with dignity of my own being. Please

do not

see me as one who is standing before you today as one on display, as

if one

of the world's rare wonders. I am not. I am just a human with

challenges

that exist in life, like each of you.

Many want me to speak of my autism, to define my autism to you. But,

how can

one define such a complex disorder in an hour, or even in a day? It has

taken me a life time of pains, sorrow and so much wrong assumptions of

my

being, but in the last two years I am learning of my own reason for

being. I

am discovering the very essences of my existence, so, instead I say...

Define " me " as a person. Explain what constitutes a being? I have a

human

form, a complete body, mind and soul. Yet I do not exist in the

fashions

others expect of me. To some I am less than. I am seen as incompetent,

unable to be as society terms as normal. I in return feel like an

illusion

in life. Feeling as though I internally exist, but other's cannot see

me,

or recognize my humanness, so it leaves me void. I share my words,

thinking

and such but it is often overlooked and or ignored among some, as they

see

me as person challenged and not capable of feeling. I assure you I

feel.

It is not that some do not validate my thinking, but many lack the

trues of

it. As one, who appears to be very different and cognitively slow,

society

for the most part sees me as a negative outcasted being in life. One,

who to

them, holds no value, so many false misconceptions about my inner being

which plagues me daily, and inside this being, I feel the impact

greatly.

It leaves me with deep emotional wounds, but no voice, or ability to

seek

out my own need for comfort among people.

I am slowly finding my way in this world and discovering my own

existence

and would like to share that the most precious gift in life is finding

true,

genuine acceptance from others. Later, today you will be to meet one

such

person in my life who brings me a feeling of being, and is in true

giving me

a life. I to be of much honored that Dublin chose to allow me to co

present

with him today.

But for now I will define myself to you as a person who is challenged

by

autism. First, of all I do not suffer from Autism, I suffer from

society's

ignorance to autism. I suffer greatly from all the misconceptions that

revolve around autism, so many untrues. Many want to form or mold

autism to

fit one set mold and are frustrated when some with the dx come to them

and

do not fit this so called mold from their own perceptions and

learning, we

with ASD do not fit molds anymore than human kind can fit a set mold.

Many

say we are not of normal, can any define normal? We are just as

diverse as

the multiple cultures that exist in our world at large. And while the

world

exists with many cultures that differ from our own, one thing that

unites us

is the humanness and creativity we each bring to life. It is no

different

among us who are dx with autism. Each of us is unique in our own way of

being and each have our own set of challenges and yet we have a

quality of

gifts we bring to life, are you looking for them?

For me I come as I am in life, a human being that happens to be with

autism.

Autism is a barrier from my world to yours in many ways but this does

not

equate that I am less than, I simply learn and discover the world in

my own

unique way. I do not see my way as a challenge to me, as I find when

allowed to be me in my own way of being I indulge in my own peaceful

dance

among life. The sad is that many do not understand this dance and rip

me

from my own inner peace, forcing me to conform to life's standards a

way of

being which is foreign to me. Forcing me to act " normal " and

extinguishing

the real of me. Fear then comes from trying so hard to extinguish all

the

impulses that come strong to me, stuffing daily the things others may

be to

see as wrong choices in my life. Every waking moment is consumed with

this

feeling of extinguishing myself to fit in among society, while the

internal

me is smothering, frustrated and feeling self restrained and is in

need of

to break free, so much inner want of to just be of the real of me.

Life has taught me through much pains and attacks on my physical

beings that

my being is not acceptable in life. Much are out to change me, fix me,

and

cure me so I can be of normal. WHY??? Why do I need changed, fixed of

cured,

why do others not take the risk to know me, the depths of me, as I am

in

life. And in so doing they might be to see me as human and with

ability if

they took the chance and risk to know me.

Yes I am different in life, I seek many things in life that others

often

over look, such as the dancing sun beams on the bodies of water, or the

graceful swaying leaves of the trees which have a deep unity with life

itself. Or the large fluffy clouds that cause my being to have a happy

feeling just to see them in the deep blue sky. I see life as art, rare

art.

I see human kind and living things as poetry. I see my own existence

in a

special unique dance in life, a dance of unheard classical music to my

being.

Why is it of wrong to tune into the beautiful sound of a human's tone

of

voice, listening so intensely to the person that even the melody of

their

voice is processed as music to my ears. Most typical people do not be

to

listen with such interest. Nor do they want to take the time too. My

internal being cries inside, at the sight of wrong doings, and to the

lack

of respect to life and nature. Having deep emotional stirrings within

me

simple to see others in life suffer and have pain. While these emotions

exist strong in me it is often not seen by the eyes of others, for

they lack

seeing the depths of me. I am in complete an honest person in life, no

want

or ability to say words in lie fashions. Often, blurting out the truth

even

when such truths will cause others to be angry with me. I am confused

in

life, by why, others want to change me.

My autism barriers are felt most, in my lack of interpretations to the

spoken words of others, and or the intent behind them. So yes, Autism

does

have a negative side. Please don't see " ME " as the negative, because

autism

is not a personal choice in being, I did not choose Autism, it chose

me. It

is a disorder that challenges me in life. Yet, if one is patient with

me in

my areas of challenges, and gives me time to process, and respond, one

will

see I am quite capable in life, just need more time to understand the

interactions? Please do not treat me as though I am one with limited

intellectual ability as I am not, I am not intellectually impaired but

have

many gaps in my cognitions to life. Many things of my own life I am

blinded

too, this does not mean I need cured, just need of support for others

to

interpret to me the events as they unfold. I do need a support person

to

guide me as I am socially blind, I am literal, and do not have the same

ability to read or understand words in the same fashions others do. Yet

words tend to come to me and get recorded even if they have no

cognition to

me. The sad thing is my brain struggles in trying to remember where I

stored

them on demand. My brain needs visual triggers to pull the stored

information. It is a place of scripts that allows me to connect at a

higher

level in some settings, but when asked to give of my inner self

spontaneously I struggle, there is no scripts for an inner thinking of

emotional responses. So due to this I feel vulnerable within human

interactions if no scripts are present for me to pull from, as then it

exposes my true challenges in life to those around me. And I am

Fearful of

their reactions.

I am a visual learner who also needs one to physically show me how

things

work and are done and then allow me to practice it with my own hands

so, I

can explore how it feels as I am doing the task, so I can see how it

fits

together visually, and then allow me my independence in this new

learned

skill. If being exposed to something new allow me to explore it at my

own

pace before evading my space with all the mechanics of how the object

functions or works, or this will trigger to me a fear of too much

incoming

information, I cant process life like that. I tend to utilize one

incoming

sensory channel to function at a time, to force more is to shut me

down.

I am one who has many issues in the realms of sensory; it is my way of

calming my system, or my way of recentering self when I find my system

in a

hyper alert state, sometimes my way to attend is to do things others

would

consider inappropriate, to me they are tools to my self adapting. One

thing

that is often a result of this inner need to calm self is pacing or

body

swaying. Sometimes my brain causes a repetitive movement that can be

best

be describes as like a sudden chill, or the blinking of ones eyes, or a

sneeze. It is not as voluntary as it may seem, as it is done often

without

awareness that I am doing them until I see my own hand in my vision ,

then I

self adapt by self restraining my own arms by sitting on them ,

twisting

them into the crevices of the chair. These movements are very

different than

that of the self stimming behaviors.

Sometimes self stimming behaviors emerge because it brings me great

pleasure it is my play, it is how I am seeing the world, interacting

with

the world when things seem too confusing to me. I am one who is mixed

in the

sensory world, as I often appear to contradict myself, when one day I

seek

and crave and the next I avoid and resist. This is why sensory diets

can be

hard to implement and often will not work unless you are very in tune

with

the messages we are sending about our needs within the sensory world.

My

sensory is not one of consistency.

Some days it seems as if all sounds are amplified, and are so much

painful

to me, other days sounds come to me muffled and jumbled not

registering and

I have to intensely look at the mouth of the person with such great

intensity they think I am angry with them but I am not, I am just

struggling

to hear the words. This has caused many misunderstandings to me. I

simply am

not angry with them; I am just frustrated greatly at self, because I

can't

hear the words and they won't come in or register, even though they

are of a

familiar words. Sometimes when this happens I want the person to leave

or

not speak to me, because their words are only adding to my fears of not

understanding them. This often results with me reacting to my own

challenge

by hitting the side of my head by my right ear, as if maybe I can

cause that

part of my body to connect and work, it is not a pre set thinking to

hit

self it just happens. And NO the hits do not cause the brain to work,

but it

does release the inner frustrations.

Do not demand that I look at you in the eyes as this will then shut

off my

ability to hear or attend to you. Instead teach me to reference you in

body

language, acknowledge you, but not look at you. If I offer you any eye

contact accept that as strength within me, but do not assume I am

capable of

this consistently.

Do not assume since I have heard your words that I truly understand

them.

Sometimes I am not able to process the meaning to them but am just

absorbing

the words and listening to the voice tones as the meaning sometimes is

delayed to me. I have at times processed things months after they were

shared to me and then can respond to the words, but often this leaves

the

others lost in wonder of what I am talking about. I then get frustrated

because they are the ones who shared the words to me so they should

know of

my words back to them, but I lack in understanding the gap in my

timing.

Sometimes when one is speaking I lack the knowing that an expectation

was

there for me to respond, help me to see that I need to respond to you,

but

with dignity to my being because my lack of, does not equate a willful

choice to ignore you.

Please do not jump to conclusions too quickly of my ways, as often your

assumptions of me are not correct. Simply ask me for clarifications.

And

then give me good time to respond. Because I may lack the ability to

express

it in another way. Or I simply may have no clue to the whys of some

thing I

did. Be patient with me, as I am not manipulating or preplanning an

excuse

to avoid, but may be blinded to self and really be clueless to the

actions I

have expressed. Instead of asking me why, maybe ask me what's going

on? This

might allow me to explain what is going on inside of self.

My world is consumed by many fears and anxieties in life that might

result

in a meltdown of unwanted behaviors, this is not my way of control, or

to

force you to give in to me, nor am I in need of you to punish me, It

is a

reaction of my fears that I simply cant express in words at the

moment. It

is resultant of self preservations. My brain simply can't handle

changes; it

needs the same for me to understand life, to process, and to gain a

sense of

safe within life. When this has been altered it rapidly produces a

tornado

within me causing my world to spin out of control, not with intent, but

blinded to any other way to escape the internal confusions to me.

I feeling much sad with internal pains from lack of sustaining my

composure, looking at the damage the storm of my meltdown has created

and

inside of self lack the skills to repair, so I just internalize my

being is

worthless and void of existence. I, having my own self appointed rules

to

life, will punish my infractions to human life with out mercy to my own

being. To add to my shame, are the unexpected reactions of others, as a

result of my inability to control my fears in a better way.

So again yes, I am with many challenges in life, but I also have many

abilities too. I love to write and find my inner thinkings can be more

completely expressed if allowed to be in written domains. Most often

words

come dancing to me in my head and it allows my emotions to connect in

melody

which is expressed through poetic fashions. I love to express myself

through my writings which take so much editing and work to make it of

more

typical in grammar. That is a strength and ability when my own syntax

is

odd, and my own way of being in words is odd, but in my work I self

adapt,

which is a skill.

I have met many people in the last two years and have learned to

interact

and respond to them in words and thinking. It is not natural for me to

seek

out interactions among people, but to be able to interact at any level

for

me is a skill in which I have learned and can do with much more

success due

to my therapies. And even though, I have no internal desire to seek out

others to sustain friendships; I have found some very affirming

friends to

me in life. The best part of those unique friendships is they allow me

to be

of myself. They also simply do not want to change me, or fix me, or

cure

me; they accept me as I am in life and understand my fears and silence

in

life. So to sustain friendships even at this level is a skill and

ability.

I struggle in showing others that they are very dear to me, but have

found

for those that are of extremely special peoples to me, will give them a

gift. It is my way of giving them an emotional hug or show of

affection,

since the real of hugs can be of painful or uncomfortable to me. I

know that

people often give hugs as a way of affection to others; but my hugs

come in

the form of giving you a gift from me. Being able to show affection is

a

talent and ability as well.

Lastly, I am one who is married, being a wife is a tremendous ability

in

itself, then add the children's that come due to marriages and then I

to

find self in the role of mother. To me that is a major accomplishment.

So

being a wife and mother is having ability too.

Many say we are not able to go beyond our own inner thinkings to grasp

the

concepts of abstract thinkings, so we may never develop a true

relationship

with God or faith. I do have an understanding of God and faith, and I

have

discovered God for self, and faithfully seek my faith learning and

belief

which is a strength and ability.

So, to finalize my thinking, I am in true a human with emotions, and

feelings who also happens to be challenged by autism. As a closing of

my

presentation, I would like to share a poem that I feel sums up my

thinking

as a whole.

Copyright@July16,2003

>

>

> I to be of looking for a topic of my define me speech I to sent here

> a time back I to think in spring or summer of 2003.

> Sondra

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

> ------------------------

> Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you as I to needed a copyright date time I to posted it here

for protection of my work. another person writed something very

similar with similar theme and was curious as to when I posted it

here. My work by far was created a year or so before she to

submitted her work . It was just of reassurance to me of the date.

Sondra

In Autism_in_Girls , cathylynn2 <cathylynn2@m...>

wrote:

> Sondra,

>

> Here is your message....to search archives you go to the main

group

> page and there is a window for archive search in which you type

the

> topic. that's how I found it.

>

>

>

> (this is my topic for my presentation I to be giving in August in

my

> areas,

> please do not be to share it off list}

>

>

>

> I am a person with autism, this is true, but Autism is not who I

am in

> life.

> I am Sondra, a person with ability, thinking, and feeling. I

much want

> to be

> seen as a human, and be regarded with dignity of my own being.

Please

> do not

> see me as one who is standing before you today as one on

display, as

> if one

> of the world's rare wonders. I am not. I am just a human with

> challenges

> that exist in life, like each of you.

>

>

>

> Many want me to speak of my autism, to define my autism to you.

But,

> how can

> one define such a complex disorder in an hour, or even in a day?

It has

> taken me a life time of pains, sorrow and so much wrong

assumptions of

> my

> being, but in the last two years I am learning of my own reason

for

> being. I

> am discovering the very essences of my existence, so, instead I

say...

>

>

>

> Define " me " as a person. Explain what constitutes a being? I

have a

> human

> form, a complete body, mind and soul. Yet I do not exist in the

> fashions

> others expect of me. To some I am less than. I am seen as

incompetent,

> unable to be as society terms as normal. I in return feel like

an

> illusion

> in life. Feeling as though I internally exist, but other's

cannot see

> me,

> or recognize my humanness, so it leaves me void. I share my

words,

> thinking

> and such but it is often overlooked and or ignored among some,

as they

> see

> me as person challenged and not capable of feeling. I assure you

I

> feel.

>

>

>

> It is not that some do not validate my thinking, but many lack

the

> trues of

> it. As one, who appears to be very different and cognitively

slow,

> society

> for the most part sees me as a negative outcasted being in life.

One,

> who to

> them, holds no value, so many false misconceptions about my

inner being

> which plagues me daily, and inside this being, I feel the impact

> greatly.

> It leaves me with deep emotional wounds, but no voice, or

ability to

> seek

> out my own need for comfort among people.

>

>

>

> I am slowly finding my way in this world and discovering my own

> existence

> and would like to share that the most precious gift in life is

finding

> true,

> genuine acceptance from others. Later, today you will be to meet

one

> such

> person in my life who brings me a feeling of being, and is in

true

> giving me

> a life. I to be of much honored that Dublin chose to allow me to

co

> present

> with him today.

>

>

>

> But for now I will define myself to you as a person who is

challenged

> by

> autism. First, of all I do not suffer from Autism, I suffer from

> society's

> ignorance to autism. I suffer greatly from all the

misconceptions that

> revolve around autism, so many untrues. Many want to form or

mold

> autism to

> fit one set mold and are frustrated when some with the dx come

to them

> and

> do not fit this so called mold from their own perceptions and

> learning, we

> with ASD do not fit molds anymore than human kind can fit a set

mold.

> Many

> say we are not of normal, can any define normal? We are just as

> diverse as

> the multiple cultures that exist in our world at large. And

while the

> world

> exists with many cultures that differ from our own, one thing

that

> unites us

> is the humanness and creativity we each bring to life. It is no

> different

> among us who are dx with autism. Each of us is unique in our own

way of

> being and each have our own set of challenges and yet we have a

> quality of

> gifts we bring to life, are you looking for them?

>

>

>

> For me I come as I am in life, a human being that happens to be

with

> autism.

> Autism is a barrier from my world to yours in many ways but this

does

> not

> equate that I am less than, I simply learn and discover the

world in

> my own

> unique way. I do not see my way as a challenge to me, as I find

when

> allowed to be me in my own way of being I indulge in my own

peaceful

> dance

> among life. The sad is that many do not understand this dance

and rip

> me

> from my own inner peace, forcing me to conform to life's

standards a

> way of

> being which is foreign to me. Forcing me to act " normal " and

> extinguishing

> the real of me. Fear then comes from trying so hard to

extinguish all

> the

> impulses that come strong to me, stuffing daily the things

others may

> be to

> see as wrong choices in my life. Every waking moment is consumed

with

> this

> feeling of extinguishing myself to fit in among society, while

the

> internal

> me is smothering, frustrated and feeling self restrained and is

in

> need of

> to break free, so much inner want of to just be of the real of

me.

>

>

>

> Life has taught me through much pains and attacks on my physical

> beings that

> my being is not acceptable in life. Much are out to change me,

fix me,

> and

> cure me so I can be of normal. WHY??? Why do I need changed,

fixed of

> cured,

> why do others not take the risk to know me, the depths of me, as

I am

> in

> life. And in so doing they might be to see me as human and with

> ability if

> they took the chance and risk to know me.

>

>

>

> Yes I am different in life, I seek many things in life that

others

> often

> over look, such as the dancing sun beams on the bodies of water,

or the

> graceful swaying leaves of the trees which have a deep unity

with life

> itself. Or the large fluffy clouds that cause my being to have a

happy

> feeling just to see them in the deep blue sky. I see life as

art, rare

> art.

> I see human kind and living things as poetry. I see my own

existence

> in a

> special unique dance in life, a dance of unheard classical music

to my

> being.

>

>

>

> Why is it of wrong to tune into the beautiful sound of a human's

tone

> of

> voice, listening so intensely to the person that even the melody

of

> their

> voice is processed as music to my ears. Most typical people do

not be

> to

> listen with such interest. Nor do they want to take the time

too. My

> internal being cries inside, at the sight of wrong doings, and

to the

> lack

> of respect to life and nature. Having deep emotional stirrings

within

> me

> simple to see others in life suffer and have pain. While these

emotions

> exist strong in me it is often not seen by the eyes of others,

for

> they lack

> seeing the depths of me. I am in complete an honest person in

life, no

> want

> or ability to say words in lie fashions. Often, blurting out the

truth

> even

> when such truths will cause others to be angry with me. I am

confused

> in

> life, by why, others want to change me.

>

>

>

> My autism barriers are felt most, in my lack of interpretations

to the

> spoken words of others, and or the intent behind them. So yes,

Autism

> does

> have a negative side. Please don't see " ME " as the negative,

because

> autism

> is not a personal choice in being, I did not choose Autism, it

chose

> me. It

> is a disorder that challenges me in life. Yet, if one is patient

with

> me in

> my areas of challenges, and gives me time to process, and

respond, one

> will

> see I am quite capable in life, just need more time to

understand the

> interactions? Please do not treat me as though I am one with

limited

> intellectual ability as I am not, I am not intellectually

impaired but

> have

> many gaps in my cognitions to life. Many things of my own life I

am

> blinded

> too, this does not mean I need cured, just need of support for

others

> to

> interpret to me the events as they unfold. I do need a support

person

> to

> guide me as I am socially blind, I am literal, and do not have

the same

> ability to read or understand words in the same fashions others

do. Yet

> words tend to come to me and get recorded even if they have no

> cognition to

> me. The sad thing is my brain struggles in trying to remember

where I

> stored

> them on demand. My brain needs visual triggers to pull the stored

> information. It is a place of scripts that allows me to connect

at a

> higher

> level in some settings, but when asked to give of my inner self

> spontaneously I struggle, there is no scripts for an inner

thinking of

> emotional responses. So due to this I feel vulnerable within

human

> interactions if no scripts are present for me to pull from, as

then it

> exposes my true challenges in life to those around me. And I am

> Fearful of

> their reactions.

>

>

>

> I am a visual learner who also needs one to physically show me

how

> things

> work and are done and then allow me to practice it with my own

hands

> so, I

> can explore how it feels as I am doing the task, so I can see

how it

> fits

> together visually, and then allow me my independence in this new

> learned

> skill. If being exposed to something new allow me to explore it

at my

> own

> pace before evading my space with all the mechanics of how the

object

> functions or works, or this will trigger to me a fear of too

much

> incoming

> information, I cant process life like that. I tend to utilize

one

> incoming

> sensory channel to function at a time, to force more is to shut

me

> down.

>

>

>

> I am one who has many issues in the realms of sensory; it is my

way of

> calming my system, or my way of recentering self when I find my

system

> in a

> hyper alert state, sometimes my way to attend is to do things

others

> would

> consider inappropriate, to me they are tools to my self

adapting. One

> thing

> that is often a result of this inner need to calm self is pacing

or

> body

> swaying. Sometimes my brain causes a repetitive movement that

can be

> best

> be describes as like a sudden chill, or the blinking of ones

eyes, or a

> sneeze. It is not as voluntary as it may seem, as it is done

often

> without

> awareness that I am doing them until I see my own hand in my

vision ,

> then I

> self adapt by self restraining my own arms by sitting on them ,

> twisting

> them into the crevices of the chair. These movements are very

> different than

> that of the self stimming behaviors.

>

>

>

> Sometimes self stimming behaviors emerge because it brings me

great

> pleasure it is my play, it is how I am seeing the world,

interacting

> with

> the world when things seem too confusing to me. I am one who is

mixed

> in the

> sensory world, as I often appear to contradict myself, when one

day I

> seek

> and crave and the next I avoid and resist. This is why sensory

diets

> can be

> hard to implement and often will not work unless you are very in

tune

> with

> the messages we are sending about our needs within the sensory

world.

> My

> sensory is not one of consistency.

>

>

>

> Some days it seems as if all sounds are amplified, and are so

much

> painful

> to me, other days sounds come to me muffled and jumbled not

> registering and

> I have to intensely look at the mouth of the person with such

great

> intensity they think I am angry with them but I am not, I am

just

> struggling

> to hear the words. This has caused many misunderstandings to me.

I

> simply am

> not angry with them; I am just frustrated greatly at self,

because I

> can't

> hear the words and they won't come in or register, even though

they

> are of a

> familiar words. Sometimes when this happens I want the person to

leave

> or

> not speak to me, because their words are only adding to my fears

of not

> understanding them. This often results with me reacting to my

own

> challenge

> by hitting the side of my head by my right ear, as if maybe I

can

> cause that

> part of my body to connect and work, it is not a pre set

thinking to

> hit

> self it just happens. And NO the hits do not cause the brain to

work,

> but it

> does release the inner frustrations.

>

>

>

> Do not demand that I look at you in the eyes as this will then

shut

> off my

> ability to hear or attend to you. Instead teach me to reference

you in

> body

> language, acknowledge you, but not look at you. If I offer you

any eye

> contact accept that as strength within me, but do not assume I

am

> capable of

> this consistently.

>

>

>

> Do not assume since I have heard your words that I truly

understand

> them.

> Sometimes I am not able to process the meaning to them but am

just

> absorbing

> the words and listening to the voice tones as the meaning

sometimes is

> delayed to me. I have at times processed things months after

they were

> shared to me and then can respond to the words, but often this

leaves

> the

> others lost in wonder of what I am talking about. I then get

frustrated

> because they are the ones who shared the words to me so they

should

> know of

> my words back to them, but I lack in understanding the gap in my

> timing.

>

>

>

> Sometimes when one is speaking I lack the knowing that an

expectation

> was

> there for me to respond, help me to see that I need to respond

to you,

> but

> with dignity to my being because my lack of, does not equate a

willful

> choice to ignore you.

>

>

>

> Please do not jump to conclusions too quickly of my ways, as

often your

> assumptions of me are not correct. Simply ask me for

clarifications.

> And

> then give me good time to respond. Because I may lack the

ability to

> express

> it in another way. Or I simply may have no clue to the whys of

some

> thing I

> did. Be patient with me, as I am not manipulating or preplanning

an

> excuse

> to avoid, but may be blinded to self and really be clueless to

the

> actions I

> have expressed. Instead of asking me why, maybe ask me what's

going

> on? This

> might allow me to explain what is going on inside of self.

>

>

>

> My world is consumed by many fears and anxieties in life that

might

> result

> in a meltdown of unwanted behaviors, this is not my way of

control, or

> to

> force you to give in to me, nor am I in need of you to punish

me, It

> is a

> reaction of my fears that I simply cant express in words at the

> moment. It

> is resultant of self preservations. My brain simply can't handle

> changes; it

> needs the same for me to understand life, to process, and to

gain a

> sense of

> safe within life. When this has been altered it rapidly produces

a

> tornado

> within me causing my world to spin out of control, not with

intent, but

> blinded to any other way to escape the internal confusions to me.

>

>

>

> I feeling much sad with internal pains from lack of sustaining my

> composure, looking at the damage the storm of my meltdown has

created

> and

> inside of self lack the skills to repair, so I just internalize

my

> being is

> worthless and void of existence. I, having my own self appointed

rules

> to

> life, will punish my infractions to human life with out mercy to

my own

> being. To add to my shame, are the unexpected reactions of

others, as a

> result of my inability to control my fears in a better way.

>

>

>

> So again yes, I am with many challenges in life, but I also have

many

> abilities too. I love to write and find my inner thinkings can

be more

> completely expressed if allowed to be in written domains. Most

often

> words

> come dancing to me in my head and it allows my emotions to

connect in

> melody

> which is expressed through poetic fashions. I love to express

myself

> through my writings which take so much editing and work to make

it of

> more

> typical in grammar. That is a strength and ability when my own

syntax

> is

> odd, and my own way of being in words is odd, but in my work I

self

> adapt,

> which is a skill.

>

>

>

> I have met many people in the last two years and have learned to

> interact

> and respond to them in words and thinking. It is not natural for

me to

> seek

> out interactions among people, but to be able to interact at any

level

> for

> me is a skill in which I have learned and can do with much more

> success due

> to my therapies. And even though, I have no internal desire to

seek out

> others to sustain friendships; I have found some very affirming

> friends to

> me in life. The best part of those unique friendships is they

allow me

> to be

> of myself. They also simply do not want to change me, or fix me,

or

> cure

> me; they accept me as I am in life and understand my fears and

silence

> in

> life. So to sustain friendships even at this level is a skill

and

> ability.

>

>

>

> I struggle in showing others that they are very dear to me, but

have

> found

> for those that are of extremely special peoples to me, will give

them a

> gift. It is my way of giving them an emotional hug or show of

> affection,

> since the real of hugs can be of painful or uncomfortable to me.

I

> know that

> people often give hugs as a way of affection to others; but my

hugs

> come in

> the form of giving you a gift from me. Being able to show

affection is

> a

> talent and ability as well.

>

>

>

> Lastly, I am one who is married, being a wife is a tremendous

ability

> in

> itself, then add the children's that come due to marriages and

then I

> to

> find self in the role of mother. To me that is a major

accomplishment.

> So

> being a wife and mother is having ability too.

>

>

>

> Many say we are not able to go beyond our own inner thinkings to

grasp

> the

> concepts of abstract thinkings, so we may never develop a true

> relationship

> with God or faith. I do have an understanding of God and faith,

and I

> have

> discovered God for self, and faithfully seek my faith learning

and

> belief

> which is a strength and ability.

>

>

>

> So, to finalize my thinking, I am in true a human with emotions,

and

> feelings who also happens to be challenged by autism. As a

closing of

> my

> presentation, I would like to share a poem that I feel sums up

my

> thinking

> as a whole.

>

> Copyright@July16,2003

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > I to be of looking for a topic of my define me speech I to sent

here

> > a time back I to think in spring or summer of 2003.

> > Sondra

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Autism_in_Girls-subscribe

> > ------------------------

> > Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe

> >

[Guest guest]

what did you put in the search bar as I to did this too and it sayed

it found no matches. I to did it by define me, my name, and a few

other things and it to keep saying no matches.

Sondra]

[Guest guest]

Hi Sondra,

I believe I just put in " Sondra " and " Define me " . It was message

#14206 and it was posted July 29th, 2003.

>

>

> what did you put in the search bar as I to did this too and it sayed

> it found no matches. I to did it by define me, my name, and a few

> other things and it to keep saying no matches.

> Sondra]

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sondra,

I believe I just put in " Sondra " and " Define me " . It was message

#14206 and it was posted July 29th, 2003.

>

>

> what did you put in the search bar as I to did this too and it sayed

> it found no matches. I to did it by define me, my name, and a few

> other things and it to keep saying no matches.

> Sondra]

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sondra,

I believe I just put in " Sondra " and " Define me " . It was message

#14206 and it was posted July 29th, 2003.

>

>

> what did you put in the search bar as I to did this too and it sayed

> it found no matches. I to did it by define me, my name, and a few

> other things and it to keep saying no matches.

> Sondra]

>

>