Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel frustrated

[Guest guest]

Hilde,

I struggled for a long time wanting validation from my mother for the horrible

things she did. I never really got it, though. I didn't get it from my two

brothers, either, who have repeatedly denied stuff that I know happened. I

finally decided that I had to trust my reality, know that what happened was

wrong, and that deep inside if I was strong enough to have survived what

happened, I was capable of doing and becoming whatever I wanted. I won't say I

haven't had setbacks, but I've basically accomplished what I have set as goals

and continue to set new goals that I also hope to reach.

I don't know how old you are, but I had my FIRST baby two years ago at 38, my

second at 39. So don't give up on children if that's what you want.

I know what it's like to have siblings in denial, siblings who have split you

all " bad. " It stinks. But don't let their opinion define who and what you are.

It sounds like you've come so far.

You're doing great and have a lot to be proud of.

<<Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did to me, what is

bothering me most, is how she just gets away with it.

I mean by this that during my childhood there did not seem to be

anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was wrong. Leaving me

of course with the impression that she was right and that I was

wrong.

The fact is that:

* my father never defended me. He was like a ghost, almost invisible.

Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He will just change

the subject.

* it is impossible to talk about this to my brother or my sister. My

sister does not want to have contact with me, and she actually never

wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems to have a very

negative opinion about me; she even threatened to break up with her

boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me, saying that I

would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest intention to do

that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond with my sister, but

impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She became hysterical

whenever I tried to say something negative about my mother.

* When I talk to her now (that does not happen a lot) it is like

there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and I've been called

names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was wondering in what

kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once told me that if I

considered suicide she would give me immediately a rope to hang

myself. She's told me that I would never have a decent relationship,

that I would never be married and that people of my ilk should not

have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter, she told me I

would fail my studies.

In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I have a very good

job now. For kids, I find it too late and building up a decent

relationship is still difficult for me. At least the job is there.

What bothers me so much is that I don't get apologies from her. I

know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of anger and

frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how wrong she was and

that she is sorry?

Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how succesful I am, I still

have the feeling something is broken in me and the person who broke

it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I sometimes feel so angry

because of this.

Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you handle them? To

be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so much that I could

climb the wall out of frustration.

I realize that I wish that someone she has a high opinion of simply

tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that she would have to

admit it. >>

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

last part though really stuck out to me though. For

me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

remunerate anything.

In my situation I finally came to accept (and later

embrace) the idea that NO ONE was going to do that for

me, except me.

And finally for my mother, there is not a soul (from

the Pope on down) in the world that could tell her

what she did was wrong. She would have a detailed

list of why she was the one wronged, misunderstood,

and lastly how I had managed to manipulate their

opinions and make her look back (according to her that

would be the main purpose for my exsistence).

Best of wishes for you!

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

last part though really stuck out to me though. For

me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

remunerate anything.

In my situation I finally came to accept (and later

embrace) the idea that NO ONE was going to do that for

me, except me.

And finally for my mother, there is not a soul (from

the Pope on down) in the world that could tell her

what she did was wrong. She would have a detailed

list of why she was the one wronged, misunderstood,

and lastly how I had managed to manipulate their

opinions and make her look back (according to her that

would be the main purpose for my exsistence).

Best of wishes for you!

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

last part though really stuck out to me though. For

me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

remunerate anything.

In my situation I finally came to accept (and later

embrace) the idea that NO ONE was going to do that for

me, except me.

And finally for my mother, there is not a soul (from

the Pope on down) in the world that could tell her

what she did was wrong. She would have a detailed

list of why she was the one wronged, misunderstood,

and lastly how I had managed to manipulate their

opinions and make her look back (according to her that

would be the main purpose for my exsistence).

Best of wishes for you!

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I understand how you feel. Especially the part about

that no one did or said anything when I was younger.

Still no one except my father (who divorced nada 25

yo) in my family agrees with me re: nada.

Like you one sister just doesn't want to hear it and

looks at me like I have a severe problem. The other

is so screwed up herself (the " bad " one, think she has

bpd too) that she has always been there just to " take "

from me.

I console myself with the facts:

a) I am so much happier without her - for the last 5

years I just tell people she is dead (not nice but so

much easier than an explanation, trust me I tried that

route)

she is basically alone except for her co-dependent

husband

c) my sisters moved out to Colorado to be with my Dad,

and be 2000 miles away from Nada

d) I know my memory is accurate and chilling.

As to when will you feel " good enough " , It takes

awhile to get rid of all that negetivity and replace

it with good things about yourself. In new or

stressful situations, I still don't feel " good

enough " . I still suffer from depression but it is

under control after 7 years of therapy and

anti-depressants.

Hang in there - unfortunately I doubt your nada will

ever admit to doing anything wrong, nor will your

father from what I read. That dream has to die along

with the " I wish I had the right family, mother " .

Instead replace it with what you want, with how you

want to be, with how you want your life.

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did

> to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with

> it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did

> not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was

> wrong. Leaving me

> of course with the impression that she was right and

> that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost,

> almost invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He

> will just change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother

> or my sister. My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and

> she actually never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems

> to have a very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to

> break up with her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me,

> saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest

> intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond

> with my sister, but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She

> became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my

> mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a

> lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and

> I've been called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was

> wondering in what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once

> told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a

> rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a

> decent relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my

> ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter,

> she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I

> have a very good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building

> up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the

> job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get

> apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of

> anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how

> wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I understand how you feel. Especially the part about

that no one did or said anything when I was younger.

Still no one except my father (who divorced nada 25

yo) in my family agrees with me re: nada.

Like you one sister just doesn't want to hear it and

looks at me like I have a severe problem. The other

is so screwed up herself (the " bad " one, think she has

bpd too) that she has always been there just to " take "

from me.

I console myself with the facts:

a) I am so much happier without her - for the last 5

years I just tell people she is dead (not nice but so

much easier than an explanation, trust me I tried that

route)

she is basically alone except for her co-dependent

husband

c) my sisters moved out to Colorado to be with my Dad,

and be 2000 miles away from Nada

d) I know my memory is accurate and chilling.

As to when will you feel " good enough " , It takes

awhile to get rid of all that negetivity and replace

it with good things about yourself. In new or

stressful situations, I still don't feel " good

enough " . I still suffer from depression but it is

under control after 7 years of therapy and

anti-depressants.

Hang in there - unfortunately I doubt your nada will

ever admit to doing anything wrong, nor will your

father from what I read. That dream has to die along

with the " I wish I had the right family, mother " .

Instead replace it with what you want, with how you

want to be, with how you want your life.

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did

> to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with

> it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did

> not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was

> wrong. Leaving me

> of course with the impression that she was right and

> that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost,

> almost invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He

> will just change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother

> or my sister. My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and

> she actually never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems

> to have a very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to

> break up with her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me,

> saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest

> intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond

> with my sister, but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She

> became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my

> mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a

> lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and

> I've been called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was

> wondering in what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once

> told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a

> rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a

> decent relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my

> ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter,

> she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I

> have a very good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building

> up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the

> job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get

> apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of

> anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how

> wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hildegard,

I understand how you feel. Especially the part about

that no one did or said anything when I was younger.

Still no one except my father (who divorced nada 25

yo) in my family agrees with me re: nada.

Like you one sister just doesn't want to hear it and

looks at me like I have a severe problem. The other

is so screwed up herself (the " bad " one, think she has

bpd too) that she has always been there just to " take "

from me.

I console myself with the facts:

a) I am so much happier without her - for the last 5

years I just tell people she is dead (not nice but so

much easier than an explanation, trust me I tried that

route)

she is basically alone except for her co-dependent

husband

c) my sisters moved out to Colorado to be with my Dad,

and be 2000 miles away from Nada

d) I know my memory is accurate and chilling.

As to when will you feel " good enough " , It takes

awhile to get rid of all that negetivity and replace

it with good things about yourself. In new or

stressful situations, I still don't feel " good

enough " . I still suffer from depression but it is

under control after 7 years of therapy and

anti-depressants.

Hang in there - unfortunately I doubt your nada will

ever admit to doing anything wrong, nor will your

father from what I read. That dream has to die along

with the " I wish I had the right family, mother " .

Instead replace it with what you want, with how you

want to be, with how you want your life.

--- Hildegard6@... wrote:

> Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did

> to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with

> it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did

> not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was

> wrong. Leaving me

> of course with the impression that she was right and

> that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost,

> almost invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He

> will just change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother

> or my sister. My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and

> she actually never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems

> to have a very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to

> break up with her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me,

> saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest

> intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond

> with my sister, but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She

> became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my

> mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a

> lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and

> I've been called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was

> wondering in what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once

> told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a

> rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a

> decent relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my

> ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter,

> she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I

> have a very good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building

> up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the

> job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get

> apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of

> anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how

> wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> succesful I am, I still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> person who broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> sometimes feel so angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> handle them? To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> opinion of simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> she would have to

> admit it.

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

wrote <<<I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

last part though really stuck out to me though. For

me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

remunerate anything.>>>>

This was definitely what actually drove me into depression I think - the fact

that no matter what, my nada would never apologize and always made it my fault.

It was very healing for me, too, when I realized that she was very sick and was

never going to say " I'm sorry " and mean it. She flat out cannot comprehend the

idea that she can be wrong - it's the BPD. That doesn't mean tho, that I ever

want a relationship with her - even now that idea scares the daylights out of

me! She's sick, but her illness was definitely causing me a major illness -

depression from the bottled up anger.

Somewhere along the line, you accept this fact and move on. It does take time,

tho.

Ilene

[Guest guest]

the most important thing is that come to realize in your heart of hearts

that your mom was wrong

Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel

frustrated

> Hildegard,

>

> I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

> feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

> last part though really stuck out to me though. For

> me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

> of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

> remunerate anything.

>

> In my situation I finally came to accept (and later

> embrace) the idea that NO ONE was going to do that for

> me, except me.

>

> And finally for my mother, there is not a soul (from

> the Pope on down) in the world that could tell her

> what she did was wrong. She would have a detailed

> list of why she was the one wronged, misunderstood,

> and lastly how I had managed to manipulate their

> opinions and make her look back (according to her that

> would be the main purpose for my exsistence).

>

> Best of wishes for you!

>

>

> --- Hildegard6@... wrote:

>

> > Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> > succesful I am, I still

> > have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> > person who broke

> > it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> > sometimes feel so angry

> > because of this.

> >

> > Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> > handle them? To

> > be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> > much that I could

> > climb the wall out of frustration.

> > I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> > opinion of simply

> > tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> > she would have to

> > admit it.

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

the most important thing is that come to realize in your heart of hearts

that your mom was wrong

Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel

frustrated

> Hildegard,

>

> I can so much identify with your frustration, and can

> feel that old knot in my stomach as I read it. The

> last part though really stuck out to me though. For

> me a huge part of the healing process was letting go

> of the idea that she was EVER going to restore or

> remunerate anything.

>

> In my situation I finally came to accept (and later

> embrace) the idea that NO ONE was going to do that for

> me, except me.

>

> And finally for my mother, there is not a soul (from

> the Pope on down) in the world that could tell her

> what she did was wrong. She would have a detailed

> list of why she was the one wronged, misunderstood,

> and lastly how I had managed to manipulate their

> opinions and make her look back (according to her that

> would be the main purpose for my exsistence).

>

> Best of wishes for you!

>

>

> --- Hildegard6@... wrote:

>

> > Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how

> > succesful I am, I still

> > have the feeling something is broken in me and the

> > person who broke

> > it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I

> > sometimes feel so angry

> > because of this.

> >

> > Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you

> > handle them? To

> > be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so

> > much that I could

> > climb the wall out of frustration.

> > I realize that I wish that someone she has a high

> > opinion of simply

> > tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that

> > she would have to

> > admit it.

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words, .

I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an option

for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have any.

This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is after

all giving up an option in life.

* I feel too old for children, because I don't see myself changing my

life pattern. Also, I've been struggling to build a life of my own

and now it is harvest time. I want to travel, decorate my own

place... all those things that most people of my age were doing 15

years ago, when I was struggling to survive.

* I don't dare to have children because I am not sure that I would

not repeat my mother's behaviour.

* I would only want children in a good relationship, but I did not

manage to have a relationship that really worked until now.

* I would not have the help of my family when I would have children,

and I see most people have a lot of help from their mother and sister

(s)

* I am very aware of everything that could go wrong with children, so

the fear wins it from the yearning

In my personal life, the one thing that I really hope to achieve some

day, is that I find a partner with whom I can build up a strong and

honest relationship.

The fact of not having children, feels the same like not having had a

youth. You cannot turn back the clock. When I see youngsters of 18,

their innocence and their joy, I feel a pain in my heart, because I

know how much I suffered at that age and how I never had that

lightness.

I realize that not having children has a lot to do with my nada,

because my life was such a struggle, I decided that it was better not

to have children. I am after all a very rational person, so I will

not make my life more complicated than it is.

The positive thing about it all is that despite the fact that you

count your losses, for me life actually has become much better with

aging. I feel so much better, relaxed, calm than 10 years ago. Though

I still have a long way to go, I accept myself much better, I am

happier. Where will that end? ;-)

Hildegard

> Hilde,

>

> I struggled for a long time wanting validation from my mother for

the horrible things she did. I never really got it, though. I

didn't get it from my two brothers, either, who have repeatedly

denied stuff that I know happened. I finally decided that I had to

trust my reality, know that what happened was wrong, and that deep

inside if I was strong enough to have survived what happened, I was

capable of doing and becoming whatever I wanted. I won't say I

haven't had setbacks, but I've basically accomplished what I have set

as goals and continue to set new goals that I also hope to reach.

>

> I don't know how old you are, but I had my FIRST baby two years ago

at 38, my second at 39. So don't give up on children if that's what

you want.

>

> I know what it's like to have siblings in denial, siblings who have

split you all " bad. " It stinks. But don't let their opinion define

who and what you are. It sounds like you've come so far.

>

> You're doing great and have a lot to be proud of.

>

>

>

> <<Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was wrong. Leaving

me

> of course with the impression that she was right and that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost, almost

invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He will just

change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother or my sister.

My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and she actually

never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems to have a

very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to break up with

her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me, saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond with my sister,

but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and I've been

called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was wondering in

what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a decent

relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter, she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I have a very

good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how succesful I am, I

still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the person who

broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I sometimes feel so

angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you handle them?

To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high opinion of

simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that she would have

to

> admit it. >>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words, .

I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an option

for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have any.

This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is after

all giving up an option in life.

* I feel too old for children, because I don't see myself changing my

life pattern. Also, I've been struggling to build a life of my own

and now it is harvest time. I want to travel, decorate my own

place... all those things that most people of my age were doing 15

years ago, when I was struggling to survive.

* I don't dare to have children because I am not sure that I would

not repeat my mother's behaviour.

* I would only want children in a good relationship, but I did not

manage to have a relationship that really worked until now.

* I would not have the help of my family when I would have children,

and I see most people have a lot of help from their mother and sister

(s)

* I am very aware of everything that could go wrong with children, so

the fear wins it from the yearning

In my personal life, the one thing that I really hope to achieve some

day, is that I find a partner with whom I can build up a strong and

honest relationship.

The fact of not having children, feels the same like not having had a

youth. You cannot turn back the clock. When I see youngsters of 18,

their innocence and their joy, I feel a pain in my heart, because I

know how much I suffered at that age and how I never had that

lightness.

I realize that not having children has a lot to do with my nada,

because my life was such a struggle, I decided that it was better not

to have children. I am after all a very rational person, so I will

not make my life more complicated than it is.

The positive thing about it all is that despite the fact that you

count your losses, for me life actually has become much better with

aging. I feel so much better, relaxed, calm than 10 years ago. Though

I still have a long way to go, I accept myself much better, I am

happier. Where will that end? ;-)

Hildegard

> Hilde,

>

> I struggled for a long time wanting validation from my mother for

the horrible things she did. I never really got it, though. I

didn't get it from my two brothers, either, who have repeatedly

denied stuff that I know happened. I finally decided that I had to

trust my reality, know that what happened was wrong, and that deep

inside if I was strong enough to have survived what happened, I was

capable of doing and becoming whatever I wanted. I won't say I

haven't had setbacks, but I've basically accomplished what I have set

as goals and continue to set new goals that I also hope to reach.

>

> I don't know how old you are, but I had my FIRST baby two years ago

at 38, my second at 39. So don't give up on children if that's what

you want.

>

> I know what it's like to have siblings in denial, siblings who have

split you all " bad. " It stinks. But don't let their opinion define

who and what you are. It sounds like you've come so far.

>

> You're doing great and have a lot to be proud of.

>

>

>

> <<Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was wrong. Leaving

me

> of course with the impression that she was right and that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost, almost

invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He will just

change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother or my sister.

My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and she actually

never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems to have a

very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to break up with

her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me, saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond with my sister,

but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and I've been

called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was wondering in

what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a decent

relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter, she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I have a very

good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how succesful I am, I

still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the person who

broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I sometimes feel so

angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you handle them?

To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high opinion of

simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that she would have

to

> admit it. >>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words, .

I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an option

for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have any.

This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is after

all giving up an option in life.

* I feel too old for children, because I don't see myself changing my

life pattern. Also, I've been struggling to build a life of my own

and now it is harvest time. I want to travel, decorate my own

place... all those things that most people of my age were doing 15

years ago, when I was struggling to survive.

* I don't dare to have children because I am not sure that I would

not repeat my mother's behaviour.

* I would only want children in a good relationship, but I did not

manage to have a relationship that really worked until now.

* I would not have the help of my family when I would have children,

and I see most people have a lot of help from their mother and sister

(s)

* I am very aware of everything that could go wrong with children, so

the fear wins it from the yearning

In my personal life, the one thing that I really hope to achieve some

day, is that I find a partner with whom I can build up a strong and

honest relationship.

The fact of not having children, feels the same like not having had a

youth. You cannot turn back the clock. When I see youngsters of 18,

their innocence and their joy, I feel a pain in my heart, because I

know how much I suffered at that age and how I never had that

lightness.

I realize that not having children has a lot to do with my nada,

because my life was such a struggle, I decided that it was better not

to have children. I am after all a very rational person, so I will

not make my life more complicated than it is.

The positive thing about it all is that despite the fact that you

count your losses, for me life actually has become much better with

aging. I feel so much better, relaxed, calm than 10 years ago. Though

I still have a long way to go, I accept myself much better, I am

happier. Where will that end? ;-)

Hildegard

> Hilde,

>

> I struggled for a long time wanting validation from my mother for

the horrible things she did. I never really got it, though. I

didn't get it from my two brothers, either, who have repeatedly

denied stuff that I know happened. I finally decided that I had to

trust my reality, know that what happened was wrong, and that deep

inside if I was strong enough to have survived what happened, I was

capable of doing and becoming whatever I wanted. I won't say I

haven't had setbacks, but I've basically accomplished what I have set

as goals and continue to set new goals that I also hope to reach.

>

> I don't know how old you are, but I had my FIRST baby two years ago

at 38, my second at 39. So don't give up on children if that's what

you want.

>

> I know what it's like to have siblings in denial, siblings who have

split you all " bad. " It stinks. But don't let their opinion define

who and what you are. It sounds like you've come so far.

>

> You're doing great and have a lot to be proud of.

>

>

>

> <<Whenever I think of my nada and the things she did to me, what is

> bothering me most, is how she just gets away with it.

> I mean by this that during my childhood there did not seem to be

> anyone who said to her that what she was doing, was wrong. Leaving

me

> of course with the impression that she was right and that I was

> wrong.

> The fact is that:

> * my father never defended me. He was like a ghost, almost

invisible.

> Impossible to talk about what happened with him. He will just

change

> the subject.

> * it is impossible to talk about this to my brother or my sister.

My

> sister does not want to have contact with me, and she actually

never

> wanted to be close to be as a child. My sister seems to have a

very

> negative opinion about me; she even threatened to break up with

her

> boyfriend (now her husband) when he once visited me, saying that I

> would try to seduce him (I never had the slightest intention to do

> that). I always tried to construct a kind of bond with my sister,

but

> impossible; she absolutely did not want it. She became hysterical

> whenever I tried to say something negative about my mother.

> * When I talk to her now (that does not happen a lot) it is like

> there is no cloud on the sky. I've been insulted and I've been

called

> names. When I was 15 and feeling down because I was wondering in

what

> kind of crazy situation I was locked up she once told me that if I

> considered suicide she would give me immediately a rope to hang

> myself. She's told me that I would never have a decent

relationship,

> that I would never be married and that people of my ilk should not

> have kids. She told me I would end up in the gutter, she told me I

> would fail my studies.

>

> In the end, I managed to be succesful in life as I have a very

good

> job now. For kids, I find it too late and building up a decent

> relationship is still difficult for me. At least the job is there.

> What bothers me so much is that I don't get apologies from her. I

> know I won't get them, but there is a feeling of anger and

> frustration in me. Why does she not tell me how wrong she was and

> that she is sorry?

> Somehow I have the feeling that no matter how succesful I am, I

still

> have the feeling something is broken in me and the person who

broke

> it, refuses to restore it or remunerate me. I sometimes feel so

angry

> because of this.

>

> Does anyone else have these feelings? And how do you handle them?

To

> be honest, at some moments this is bugging me so much that I could

> climb the wall out of frustration.

> I realize that I wish that someone she has a high opinion of

simply

> tells her: " You were wrong, very wrong. " and that she would have

to

> admit it. >>

[Guest guest]

Dear Hildegarde, and ,

I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

and my father.

Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

thought I was horrible. I believed them.

I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

ever had.

I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

know that you aren't either.

> Thank you for your kind words, .

>

> I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

option

> for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

any.

> This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

after

> all giving up an option in life.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Hildegarde, and ,

I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

and my father.

Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

thought I was horrible. I believed them.

I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

ever had.

I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

know that you aren't either.

> Thank you for your kind words, .

>

> I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

option

> for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

any.

> This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

after

> all giving up an option in life.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Hildegarde, and ,

I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

and my father.

Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

thought I was horrible. I believed them.

I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

ever had.

I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

know that you aren't either.

> Thank you for your kind words, .

>

> I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

option

> for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

any.

> This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

after

> all giving up an option in life.

>

[Guest guest]

, I am soooo glad you have found this site...welcome..... try to

imagine yourself getting a biiiiig, looooong, hug because that is what I

wish I could do right now...I can't imagine what you are going through but

it sounds as if you have strong and loving support from your fella...having

given your parents 39 years of your life you don't owe them anything and you

never did " owe " them...in a sense you have been robbed of your life and it

is long past time for you to have that space...you say you gave up every

dream you had...well, it sounds like your beloved is a dream come true and

you deserve to find and hold that happiness...I hope and trust that you will

find peace...you're on the path to truth and it will no doubt be painful as

you learn to set boundaries with your parents...I'm glad you are going to

stay with the therapist...please find as much support as you can and be

gentle on yourself ...

Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel

frustrated

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I am soooo glad you have found this site...welcome..... try to

imagine yourself getting a biiiiig, looooong, hug because that is what I

wish I could do right now...I can't imagine what you are going through but

it sounds as if you have strong and loving support from your fella...having

given your parents 39 years of your life you don't owe them anything and you

never did " owe " them...in a sense you have been robbed of your life and it

is long past time for you to have that space...you say you gave up every

dream you had...well, it sounds like your beloved is a dream come true and

you deserve to find and hold that happiness...I hope and trust that you will

find peace...you're on the path to truth and it will no doubt be painful as

you learn to set boundaries with your parents...I'm glad you are going to

stay with the therapist...please find as much support as you can and be

gentle on yourself ...

Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel

frustrated

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I am soooo glad you have found this site...welcome..... try to

imagine yourself getting a biiiiig, looooong, hug because that is what I

wish I could do right now...I can't imagine what you are going through but

it sounds as if you have strong and loving support from your fella...having

given your parents 39 years of your life you don't owe them anything and you

never did " owe " them...in a sense you have been robbed of your life and it

is long past time for you to have that space...you say you gave up every

dream you had...well, it sounds like your beloved is a dream come true and

you deserve to find and hold that happiness...I hope and trust that you will

find peace...you're on the path to truth and it will no doubt be painful as

you learn to set boundaries with your parents...I'm glad you are going to

stay with the therapist...please find as much support as you can and be

gentle on yourself ...

Re: Nada just seems to get away with it, and I feel

frustrated

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things, that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty, so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June, life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice. The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now, before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OH MY GOD!

Your post touches me deeply.

The only thing I can say is: Get out of there, the sooner the better.

On the other hand, if you have lived with your parents for such a

long time, you probably need to do this slowly and smoothly. Because

otherwise the step to your own life might be traumatizing.

What always helps me when things become too crazy, is just thinking

of some general principles:

* nobody owns you.

* nobody cannot not live without you, we are all replacable

* nobody has the right to use you to give sense to their life

* if parents love their children, they give them the right to make

their own decisions and make their own mistakes.

You have the right to take your fate in your own hands, and you are

entitled to unconditional love. I am glad to read that your " beloved "

supports you.

Please keep on posting; you can find some support here.

All the best,

Hildegard

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

[Guest guest]

OH MY GOD!

Your post touches me deeply.

The only thing I can say is: Get out of there, the sooner the better.

On the other hand, if you have lived with your parents for such a

long time, you probably need to do this slowly and smoothly. Because

otherwise the step to your own life might be traumatizing.

What always helps me when things become too crazy, is just thinking

of some general principles:

* nobody owns you.

* nobody cannot not live without you, we are all replacable

* nobody has the right to use you to give sense to their life

* if parents love their children, they give them the right to make

their own decisions and make their own mistakes.

You have the right to take your fate in your own hands, and you are

entitled to unconditional love. I am glad to read that your " beloved "

supports you.

Please keep on posting; you can find some support here.

All the best,

Hildegard

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

[Guest guest]

OH MY GOD!

Your post touches me deeply.

The only thing I can say is: Get out of there, the sooner the better.

On the other hand, if you have lived with your parents for such a

long time, you probably need to do this slowly and smoothly. Because

otherwise the step to your own life might be traumatizing.

What always helps me when things become too crazy, is just thinking

of some general principles:

* nobody owns you.

* nobody cannot not live without you, we are all replacable

* nobody has the right to use you to give sense to their life

* if parents love their children, they give them the right to make

their own decisions and make their own mistakes.

You have the right to take your fate in your own hands, and you are

entitled to unconditional love. I am glad to read that your " beloved "

supports you.

Please keep on posting; you can find some support here.

All the best,

Hildegard

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

[Guest guest]

Dear (?)

Congratulations for meeting a wonderful person. At

least you have his support while you go through this.

We all understand why you don't just leave. It is

really, really hard. Especially if she has depended

on you for 39 years. Remember though, that you should

have been able to depend on her these last 39 years.

That is what real mothers are for.

I am 40, and have two children. Through them, I

relived my childhood the way I wanted it to be. I

gave them what I never had, love, support, kindness,

direction and just plain " mothering " . I can

understand being scared of having children, I just

wanted you to know how it actually helped me.

However, I really believe that it is important to take

care of yourself, what ever that may be. If it is

better for you not to have children, there is nothing

wrong with that. Take care of yourself first.

Take care,

--- reneeswolf@... wrote:

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole

> life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things,

> that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond

> what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks

> ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long

> as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then

> some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew

> I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for

> many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would

> ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I

> gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I

> just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and

> kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty,

> so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better

> daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then

> my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June,

> life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I

> don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in

> my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice.

> The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and

> cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil

> and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible

> person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to

> preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left

> each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now,

> before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the

> thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for

> everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you

> need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and

> verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began

> to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it

> was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman

> who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this

> kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about

> medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my

> " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the

> Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so

> many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the

> worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules

> (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I

> read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for

> writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such

> shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much

> less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it

> helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children

> are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I

> will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an

> easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Dear (?)

Congratulations for meeting a wonderful person. At

least you have his support while you go through this.

We all understand why you don't just leave. It is

really, really hard. Especially if she has depended

on you for 39 years. Remember though, that you should

have been able to depend on her these last 39 years.

That is what real mothers are for.

I am 40, and have two children. Through them, I

relived my childhood the way I wanted it to be. I

gave them what I never had, love, support, kindness,

direction and just plain " mothering " . I can

understand being scared of having children, I just

wanted you to know how it actually helped me.

However, I really believe that it is important to take

care of yourself, what ever that may be. If it is

better for you not to have children, there is nothing

wrong with that. Take care of yourself first.

Take care,

--- reneeswolf@... wrote:

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole

> life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things,

> that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond

> what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks

> ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long

> as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then

> some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew

> I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for

> many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would

> ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I

> gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I

> just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and

> kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty,

> so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better

> daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then

> my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June,

> life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I

> don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in

> my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice.

> The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and

> cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil

> and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible

> person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to

> preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left

> each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now,

> before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the

> thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for

> everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you

> need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and

> verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began

> to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it

> was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman

> who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this

> kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about

> medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my

> " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the

> Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so

> many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the

> worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules

> (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I

> read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for

> writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such

> shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much

> less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it

> helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children

> are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I

> will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an

> easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Dear (?)

Congratulations for meeting a wonderful person. At

least you have his support while you go through this.

We all understand why you don't just leave. It is

really, really hard. Especially if she has depended

on you for 39 years. Remember though, that you should

have been able to depend on her these last 39 years.

That is what real mothers are for.

I am 40, and have two children. Through them, I

relived my childhood the way I wanted it to be. I

gave them what I never had, love, support, kindness,

direction and just plain " mothering " . I can

understand being scared of having children, I just

wanted you to know how it actually helped me.

However, I really believe that it is important to take

care of yourself, what ever that may be. If it is

better for you not to have children, there is nothing

wrong with that. Take care of yourself first.

Take care,

--- reneeswolf@... wrote:

> Dear Hildegarde, and ,

>

> I am 39 years old. I have lived at home my whole

> life because my

> mother has needed me so much, for so many things,

> that I never

> thought I could leave without hurting her beyond

> what I could live

> with. My lightbulb only just lit about three weeks

> ago, that she has

> bpd, or at least the vast majority of the traits.

>

> I have been terrified of upsetting her for as long

> as I can remember,

> and have done everything I could think of (and then

> some) to avoid

> it. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I just knew

> I had to avoid

> it. I gave up on the idea of children, too, for

> many of your

> reasons. I gave up on the idea that anyone would

> ever love me enough

> to tolerate my need to take care of my mother. I

> gave up every dream

> I had because she demanded so much from me and I

> just gave it to

> her. It worked, I guess; I was her good girl, and

> kept the

> anticipated disaster away. And my life was empty,

> so I filled it

> with constantly trying to be an ever better

> daughter, for both her

> and my father.

>

> Then I met a man, who became a dear friend, and then

> my heart's

> desire. I told them about him in April. By June,

> life was hard. By

> now, she's tearing me apart. My mother is gone. I

> don't know this

> creature in her body. And my father, invisible in

> my life in almost

> every way that mattered, has become her accomplice.

> The two of them

> are attacking me from all angles, with hate and

> cruelty and

> viciousness. They hate this man; they call him evil

> and say he's

> brainwashing me so that I'm becoming this horrible

> person, and all

> I've ever done is wiped away. The life I tried to

> preserve has been

> torn away, my peace is gone; my home is my hell.

>

> I've seen five therapists in five months. I've left

> each because

> they each said the exact same thing: get out now,

> before they kill

> your soul. I couldn't (and still can't) bear the

> thought of leaving

> just like that, because she's depended on me for

> everything. The man

> I love finally said one day, " she's borderline; you

> need to

> understand it, and trauma, and emotional abuse, and

> verbal abuse, and

> you need to do it now " . I found this website, began

> to read, and

> don't think I've stopped crying since. I thought it

> was just me. I

> thought I was horrible. I believed them.

>

> I'm staying with therapist #5, a wise and kind woman

> who believes in

> me and understands trauma, domestic violence of this

> kind, and bpd.

> I'm seeing a doctor next week to talk about

> medication. I was

> encouraged to look into online-support, because my

> " beloved " (I just

> feel too old these days for a boyfriend) bought the

> Eggshells book

> for both of us and read how helpful it's been to so

> many people who

> love someone with BPD. I signed up today, one of the

> worst days I've

> ever had.

>

> I don't know how to post according to the rules

> (although I read them

> four times - think my brain's fried), but when I

> read your messages I

> wanted to try. I just wanted to say thank you for

> writing what you

> did so someone like me could read it. I'm in such

> shock, and so much

> pain, and know I've barely begun to get this much

> less cope or deal

> with it. I needed to know I'm not alone. I hope it

> helps you to

> know that you aren't either.

>

>

>

>

>

> > Thank you for your kind words, .

> >

> > I will be 37 next month, so biologically children

> are still an

> option

> > for me. There are however several reasons why I

> will never have

> any.

> > This is a deliberate choice of mine and not an

> easy one. It is

> after

> > all giving up an option in life.

> >

>

>

>

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