A slap of reality in the face...

[Guest guest]

I found my way to this list a few months ago then allowed myself to

become lost. Lost in the world of trying to come to some great

understanding of what it was that I found myself having to deal with.

Overwhelmed by the mere sudden impact that I felt having just

recently moved back into my mother's home and reality slapping me in

the face causing the same reaction that I used to have as a child

when her hand would make contact with my face. The sudden shock of

reality that came with the smack, the fear of terror I would feel

when I could plainly see the hatred in her eyes as if they were

peering through me and in response I would scream, " I hate you!! " as

I turned running off to my bedroom feeling quilty for the words that

I had just spoken. Once I found myself in my bedroom, punishing

myself became the focus. I hated myself for being such a bad girl. No

matter how hard I strived for perfection those words that I screamed

in response would seem to illustrate the projection of feelings she

held as she slapped my face as if to say " Tag, you're it!! " .

I never completely understood the dynamics of the game. Even as I

read the description of the game, " Tag, you're it " in the book SWOE,

I could identify greatly with the familiarity that seemed to radiate

from the words on the page however finding the connection and

understanding the deep rooted dynamics of the game still puzzled me.

How could I have allowed myself to fall prey to this even now at the

age of 32 yrs and after acquiring the knowledge of the rules to the

game? Isn't that the purpose of the game to begin with? Tricking the

non-bp into believing that it is not a game rather a reality so

therefore the non-bp takes on the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of

the bpd person allowing the person with bpd to feel better about

themselves if only for a little while. In addition, the bpd person

fears feeling worthless so by tagging someone else they can continue

to view themselves as perfect while viewing the non-bp as the

problem. Not to leave out the fact that not only has the person with

bpd found an individual to take on their beliefs, thoughts and

feelings that after 32 yrs of playing such a game, the bpd mother now

has an additional confirmation that she is a victim because now her

daughter tends to view the world as being against her as well due to

internally owning the projections known as projective identification.

I have spent most of the past three months going back and forth

trying to come to an understanding of where the game began and who

started it first. One day I would be certain I was the one with bpd

while the next day I would only retract that thought and realize that

I was tagging myself even without my mother needing to initiate the

game. In beginning of this post, I spoke about those times as a child

when unknown to me the game already was a reality. I internalized the

projections and identified with them bringing much unworthiness,

hatred and self-doubt into my being. I believed I deserved to feel

the shame for being such a bad girl resulting in my life time

attempts of punishing myself through means of self-injury. My mother

had even showed me how to turn that anger inwards and to punish

myself for being a bad girl by bitting me back after attempting to

express my anger outwards on her through bitting. So once again I

internalized the projections and began punishing myself for being the

bad girl that I believed I was due to the projective identification.

I'll never forget my first session with my therapist when I expressed

to her that I was a horrible child that my mother stated that before

I even had teeth I was attempting to bite her. She paused, looked at

me for a moment and then simply asked, " who's anger was it that you

were expressing? " . I don't believe that I truly realized what she was

trying to point out to me that day and the reality of who's anger I

have been expressing. For to me it was not a game of " Tag, You're It "

rather a learned behavior I grew up believing was a reality. What I

never understood was why underneath the projection identification did

I feel so differently??? Why did I deny myself to say in response

after the slap, " I love you! " ? Why have I not allowed myself to share

what it is that I believe I truly feel? Only now can I begin to

understand the answers to those questions. My mother's bpd stripped

me of my abilities to feel self-worth and ownership of myself. My own

identity was raped (to seize and take away by force) by my mother at

such a very young age. Now I must cleanse and nurture myself into the

person I deserve the right to be, " ME " !!

In addition to my therapist, I hold great gratitude for individuals

like those that post on list such as these. As well as for another

individual whom seemed to pop up on my screen from nowhere sharing

bits and pieces of her own life, never placing judgement upon me, and

always allowing me to see the truth...this is not about my

mother...this is about " ME " . Her trust, support and unconditional

caring is never ending it seems. No she is not the eptiome of my

mother, rather the example of an individual I have always yearned to

be more like. I thank all those individuals that have come into my

life along the way that has encouraged and showed me that I too

deserve the right to be " ME " no matter how hard my mother may fight

to have me believe differently!!

Update to my current situation: I am still living with my nada who

recently retired. What has been a few short weeks already seems to

have been an eternity. I struggle daily creating new boundaries that

allow me to know where she stops and I begin. My hopes are of gaining

a great insight into who I am and what I want to be without the

attached projection identifications I have lived with over the past

32 years. My goals simple...move out...create a life of my own...just

be where ever I am at in my journey towards healing and

becoming " ME " . Somedays are really hard and I just want to run and

hide, but at least now I am not running and hiding from " ME " . Some

day I won't feel the need to run and hide, but rather stand strong

and know that just being " ME " is the best that I can be. That reality

will not sneak up on me and slap me in the face. Nor will my nada

because I refuse to play the game any longer. I am not a child any

more. Maybe someday she realize that, but if not that will be okay

because that will be her and not " ME " !!