Re: reslap of reality

[Guest guest]

> why did you move backk to your nadas?

Honestly, the reality of the situation did not hit me until I found

myself living back with my nada. A few years ago I had come to a

point in my life where I truly believed that I was the cause for

everything going wrong in my life and around me. I believed that I

was the reason for others pain, that I was truly the b*tch that my

nada had manipulated others into believing I was. So I went away,

actually I moved clear across country, believing that if I could

truly learn to appreciate my family and specifically my nada that I

could return enjoying the quality time that I had left with my nada.

It was upon my return that I truly believed that I had come to

appreciated my nada and that things would be different because I had

grown and learned a great deal from being on my own. Living with my

nada allowed for an easier transition back across country and I truly

believed that things would be better because I had truly believed

that I was the one with the problem.

It only took me a few short weeks to realize the impact of the

situation that I found myself in. At first, I was totally stunned and

shocked by the reality of the situation. I soon found myself feeling

like I was sitting on the outside of glass house only visiting the

inside for a short periods of time. As I would sit back and view my

surroundings, I was thrown into flashbacks triggered by the

interactions my nada had with others in the family. Chronic

depression and recurrent post tramatic stress disorder hit hard and I

found myself reaching out trying to realize what was going on with

me. It was only after beginning to open up describing the situations

that were going on around me that an individual brought to my

attention something that I had never allowed myself to clearly see.

My eyes were openned to Borderline Personality Disorder and I was

encouraged to seek help from a therapist to begin understanding the

new reality that happened to sneak up and slap me in the face when I

least expected it.

Before moving away I was totally and completely enmeshed in the

craziness believing whole-heartedly the projection identification.

After moving home, I found myself outside of the system struggling to

maintain my own identity, but being pulled back into a system that I

never really seen before from the outside looking inward. I don't

regret moving back in with my nada because I believe that if I had

never moved back I may not have ever realized the reality of the

situation. I would have continued living what I thought was my life

while in actuality for the most part I was living the life that my

nada had projected onto me. In reality, that is why I came home to

live with my nada because I thought that the problem had been me. I

believed what my nada had always told me cause those old tapes of

continual emotional abuse played over and over in my head.

I am not sure if this helps you to understand why I moved back to my

nada's, but I do know that I have gained a greater insight into the

effects of emotional abuse. Something that stuck out at me while

reading SWOE was the insert, of what Beverly Engel wrote in 1990, on

page 65:

Emotional abuse is any behavior that is designed to control another

person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical

assaults. It can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more

subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever

be pleased. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it

systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of

self-worth, trust in her preceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be

by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the

guise of " guidance " or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually,

the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal

value.

While it is hard to admit and accept, I came home cause that is what

nada had arranged...never abandon mother cause mother could have

abandoned you cause there was many times mother had wanted to abandon

you...guess I never realized before that nada could have been wrong.

In my eyes, nada could never do wrong cause nada wanted me to believe

she was all good and that I was the one that was all bad. She wanted

me to believe that she would abandon me cause if my mother would

abandon me so would everyone else therefore tagging me it and causing

me to own her fear of abandonment allowing for her to ensure that I

would never abandon her for without her I could or would not ever be

more than all bad. I realize now that nada is wrong!! It only took

returning home to figure that out, such a small price to pay in order

to realize that I deserve freedom. The price to pay in order to

acheive freedom will be determined in the months ahead, but for now I

live day by day building the strength to acheive the freedom gaining

back pieces of personal value and creating my sense of self.