Re: Engagements/major life events

November 7, 2001

>I feel like she is taking this away from me too. Only

>my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

>about!

----------------------------------------------------------

I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking the leap. otherwise you

risk transferring the unresolved issues with your mother into your

marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough. You'll know when you

are READY.

(happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my BPD mother NOT to go

through with it up until the night before- BEST part of wedding was simply

marrying this wonderful man.)

November 7, 2001

>I feel like she is taking this away from me too. Only

>my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

>about!

----------------------------------------------------------

I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking the leap. otherwise you

risk transferring the unresolved issues with your mother into your

marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough. You'll know when you

are READY.

(happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my BPD mother NOT to go

through with it up until the night before- BEST part of wedding was simply

marrying this wonderful man.)

November 7, 2001

>I feel like she is taking this away from me too. Only

>my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

>about!

----------------------------------------------------------

I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking the leap. otherwise you

risk transferring the unresolved issues with your mother into your

marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough. You'll know when you

are READY.

(happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my BPD mother NOT to go

through with it up until the night before- BEST part of wedding was simply

marrying this wonderful man.)

November 7, 2001

Hi ....

I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got married with

very few of my family in attendance, and it went beautifully and I

remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's relatives

and our friends.

Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and overwhelmed

with the details, I just handed it over to my husband and his

mom and with their combined good taste it went very well (and

was very cheap too!)

Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the nada-gang.

Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried a few years

ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding. Totally. No one

went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to go. She had a

lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise in the

Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a prince.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

Hi ....

I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got married with

very few of my family in attendance, and it went beautifully and I

remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's relatives

and our friends.

Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and overwhelmed

with the details, I just handed it over to my husband and his

mom and with their combined good taste it went very well (and

was very cheap too!)

Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the nada-gang.

Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried a few years

ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding. Totally. No one

went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to go. She had a

lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise in the

Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a prince.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

Hi ....

I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got married with

very few of my family in attendance, and it went beautifully and I

remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's relatives

and our friends.

Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and overwhelmed

with the details, I just handed it over to my husband and his

mom and with their combined good taste it went very well (and

was very cheap too!)

Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the nada-gang.

Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried a few years

ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding. Totally. No one

went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to go. She had a

lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise in the

Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a prince.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

Thank you Kathleen,

The BPD gang is not an option at all!

My only debate is the wedding versus an elopement.

I want to get married, he is a gem.

Its just the ceremony I have a problem with.

Part of it might be the " being the center of

attention " thing too. I hate that.

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> Hi ....

>

> I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got

> married with

> very few of my family in attendance, and it went

> beautifully and I

> remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's

> relatives

> and our friends.

>

> Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and

> overwhelmed

> with the details, I just handed it over to my

> husband and his

> mom and with their combined good taste it went very

> well (and

> was very cheap too!)

>

> Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the

> nada-gang.

>

> Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

>

> I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried

> a few years

> ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding.

> Totally. No one

> went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to

> go. She had a

> lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise

> in the

> Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a

> prince.

>

> Kathleen

>

__________________________________________________

November 7, 2001

Brides don't have to be walked down the aisle - since no one is " giving you

away "

you can walk all by yourself. Or do it as a couple - who says you have to do it

the " normal " way!!

Maybe you could marry somewhere, where you could place the seats in a semicircle

(no bride vs groom sides)

and the two of you walk into the center to say your vows. Or just get married

at his home with a JP and then have a party.

If you really want to get married - DO IT!! Don't let a nada ruin it. Do

whatever you've dreamed of for your dress and flowers and make the most of your

new friends and family. Have fun and enjoy life - look to the future - see the

light at the end of the tunnel!!

Ilene

November 7, 2001

With all of his love beside you, I know you can do anything.

I " went back to the lion's den " & moved back home to gradually inform my

BPD mother that I was going to marry my husband. I knew I could survive

but I needed to " give it one more try " . YES- my life was miserable for

that short time & she pleaded as I mentioned but he gave me the courage to

know I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to include her.

Be able to look at yourself in the mirror & take full responsibility for

your life. Anger is dangerous- Proper Grieving IS attainable.

Marriage is a big committment. You don't need to take the baggage with you

& you say you love this man.

" Where there is great love, there are always great miracles "

Ellen

At 01:58 PM 11/7/01 -0800, you wrote:

>Ellen,

>

>You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

>is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

>willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

>feel like that is taking something away from everyone

>else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

>that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

>sense?

>

>Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

>up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

>this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

>maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

>side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

>summary)

>--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

>> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

>> Only

>> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

>> know

>> >about!

>>

>----------------------------------------------------------

>>

>> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

>> the leap. otherwise you

>> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

>> mother into your

>> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

>> You'll know when you

>> are READY.

>>

>> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

>> BPD mother NOT to go

>> through with it up until the night before- BEST

>> part of wedding was simply

>> marrying this wonderful man.)

>>

>

>__________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

With all of his love beside you, I know you can do anything.

I " went back to the lion's den " & moved back home to gradually inform my

BPD mother that I was going to marry my husband. I knew I could survive

but I needed to " give it one more try " . YES- my life was miserable for

that short time & she pleaded as I mentioned but he gave me the courage to

know I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to include her.

Be able to look at yourself in the mirror & take full responsibility for

your life. Anger is dangerous- Proper Grieving IS attainable.

Marriage is a big committment. You don't need to take the baggage with you

& you say you love this man.

" Where there is great love, there are always great miracles "

Ellen

At 01:58 PM 11/7/01 -0800, you wrote:

>Ellen,

>

>You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

>is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

>willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

>feel like that is taking something away from everyone

>else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

>that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

>sense?

>

>Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

>up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

>this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

>maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

>side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

>summary)

>--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

>> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

>> Only

>> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

>> know

>> >about!

>>

>----------------------------------------------------------

>>

>> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

>> the leap. otherwise you

>> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

>> mother into your

>> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

>> You'll know when you

>> are READY.

>>

>> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

>> BPD mother NOT to go

>> through with it up until the night before- BEST

>> part of wedding was simply

>> marrying this wonderful man.)

>>

>

>__________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

With all of his love beside you, I know you can do anything.

I " went back to the lion's den " & moved back home to gradually inform my

BPD mother that I was going to marry my husband. I knew I could survive

but I needed to " give it one more try " . YES- my life was miserable for

that short time & she pleaded as I mentioned but he gave me the courage to

know I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to include her.

Be able to look at yourself in the mirror & take full responsibility for

your life. Anger is dangerous- Proper Grieving IS attainable.

Marriage is a big committment. You don't need to take the baggage with you

& you say you love this man.

" Where there is great love, there are always great miracles "

Ellen

At 01:58 PM 11/7/01 -0800, you wrote:

>Ellen,

>

>You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

>is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

>willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

>feel like that is taking something away from everyone

>else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

>that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

>sense?

>

>Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

>up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

>this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

>maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

>side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

>summary)

>--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

>> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

>> Only

>> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

>> know

>> >about!

>>

>----------------------------------------------------------

>>

>> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

>> the leap. otherwise you

>> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

>> mother into your

>> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

>> You'll know when you

>> are READY.

>>

>> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

>> BPD mother NOT to go

>> through with it up until the night before- BEST

>> part of wedding was simply

>> marrying this wonderful man.)

>>

>

>__________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

,

Wouldn't your fiance's family already be aware that

you don't have family? Extensive friends, etc.? If so,

why not make it a close family event with only the

people you really want in your life there? You could

even consider having your future MIL or a SIL,

Aunt-inlaw as your maid of honor and your FIL give you

both away - or unite you... whatever! This could be

creative and fun and potentially bond your

relationship with his family further.

If I ever get married again - it will be small and

intimate. All that would matter are the children and

my future husband...

Cyndie

--- Cheeto Weeto wrote:

> Okay,

>

> The engagement topic has got me thinking about how

> my

> mother/families dysfunction still effects my life.

> I

> am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very

> supportive

> of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to

> cut

> off contact, while stating that if I do change my

> mind

> he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow

> any

> of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> conversation!

>

> Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine

> a

> traditional wedding in my situation. My entire

> family

> doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really

> more

> casual relationships with the spouses of his

> friends.

> Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> and family. I have no one to walk me down the

> aisle,

> and really no one that I am close enough to be my

> maid

> of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off

> contact

> with in the same time period that I cut off my mom

> and

> got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as

> would

> they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> but I feel like the focal point of the day for me

> (and

> it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> thing alone. But then again I don't want to be

> there

> alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

>

> I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> about!

>

> Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

,

Wouldn't your fiance's family already be aware that

you don't have family? Extensive friends, etc.? If so,

why not make it a close family event with only the

people you really want in your life there? You could

even consider having your future MIL or a SIL,

Aunt-inlaw as your maid of honor and your FIL give you

both away - or unite you... whatever! This could be

creative and fun and potentially bond your

relationship with his family further.

If I ever get married again - it will be small and

intimate. All that would matter are the children and

my future husband...

Cyndie

--- Cheeto Weeto wrote:

> Okay,

>

> The engagement topic has got me thinking about how

> my

> mother/families dysfunction still effects my life.

> I

> am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very

> supportive

> of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to

> cut

> off contact, while stating that if I do change my

> mind

> he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow

> any

> of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> conversation!

>

> Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine

> a

> traditional wedding in my situation. My entire

> family

> doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really

> more

> casual relationships with the spouses of his

> friends.

> Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> and family. I have no one to walk me down the

> aisle,

> and really no one that I am close enough to be my

> maid

> of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off

> contact

> with in the same time period that I cut off my mom

> and

> got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as

> would

> they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> but I feel like the focal point of the day for me

> (and

> it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> thing alone. But then again I don't want to be

> there

> alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

>

> I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> about!

>

> Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

,

Wouldn't your fiance's family already be aware that

you don't have family? Extensive friends, etc.? If so,

why not make it a close family event with only the

people you really want in your life there? You could

even consider having your future MIL or a SIL,

Aunt-inlaw as your maid of honor and your FIL give you

both away - or unite you... whatever! This could be

creative and fun and potentially bond your

relationship with his family further.

If I ever get married again - it will be small and

intimate. All that would matter are the children and

my future husband...

Cyndie

--- Cheeto Weeto wrote:

> Okay,

>

> The engagement topic has got me thinking about how

> my

> mother/families dysfunction still effects my life.

> I

> am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very

> supportive

> of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to

> cut

> off contact, while stating that if I do change my

> mind

> he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow

> any

> of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> conversation!

>

> Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine

> a

> traditional wedding in my situation. My entire

> family

> doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really

> more

> casual relationships with the spouses of his

> friends.

> Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> and family. I have no one to walk me down the

> aisle,

> and really no one that I am close enough to be my

> maid

> of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off

> contact

> with in the same time period that I cut off my mom

> and

> got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as

> would

> they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> but I feel like the focal point of the day for me

> (and

> it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> thing alone. But then again I don't want to be

> there

> alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

>

> I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> about!

>

> Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

>

> __________________________________________________

>

November 7, 2001

I'll go. I'll even cry at the appropriate times.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

I'll go. I'll even cry at the appropriate times.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

I'll go. I'll even cry at the appropriate times.

Kathleen

November 7, 2001

Hi ,

You wrote:

<<I want to get married, he is a gem.

>Its just the ceremony I have a problem with.

I know just what you mean! My bf and I are in love and committed, but in no

rush to get married. I used to be afraid of marriage because I'd seen

firsthand just how wrong it can go with my stepnada and dishrag dad. But my

bf is so wonderful in so many ways. Marriage isn't scary anymore. But

having a wedding terrifies me!!

My situation is different from yours because I would have a lot of family

members attending. Besides my dad's side, and my real mother's family (she

died when I was very young), I really can't imagine disinviting my stepnada

and her whole nutball clan. So my problem isn't feeling alone/conspicuous

without family - my problem is that they're all going to be there!!

I feel like she wins and I lose either way. If we go for the big to-do, I

have to prepare for whatever borderline episodes might come out of it and

live with the strain. If we elope, well, I don't get the wedding I want

because I'm scared of how she'll act. Honestly, though, the more I think

about how all I really want is to be with him, the more eloping sounds just

fine. We can always throw a big bash for our fifth or tenth anniversary!

Best,

_________________________________________________________________

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November 7, 2001