Re: Engagements/major life events

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kathleen,

The BPD gang is not an option at all!

My only debate is the wedding versus an elopement.

I want to get married, he is a gem.

Its just the ceremony I have a problem with.

Part of it might be the " being the center of

attention " thing too. I hate that.

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> Hi ....

>

> I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got

> married with

> very few of my family in attendance, and it went

> beautifully and I

> remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's

> relatives

> and our friends.

>

> Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and

> overwhelmed

> with the details, I just handed it over to my

> husband and his

> mom and with their combined good taste it went very

> well (and

> was very cheap too!)

>

> Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the

> nada-gang.

>

> Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

>

> I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried

> a few years

> ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding.

> Totally. No one

> went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to

> go. She had a

> lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise

> in the

> Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a

> prince.

>

> Kathleen

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kathleen,

The BPD gang is not an option at all!

My only debate is the wedding versus an elopement.

I want to get married, he is a gem.

Its just the ceremony I have a problem with.

Part of it might be the " being the center of

attention " thing too. I hate that.

--- thanksforthisday@... wrote:

> Hi ....

>

> I would opt for marriage without the BPD gang. I got

> married with

> very few of my family in attendance, and it went

> beautifully and I

> remember it with happiness. Most were my husband's

> relatives

> and our friends.

>

> Lucky for me, because I was " new " in town and

> overwhelmed

> with the details, I just handed it over to my

> husband and his

> mom and with their combined good taste it went very

> well (and

> was very cheap too!)

>

> Get married and live your life with joy. Ditch the

> nada-gang.

>

> Most important 2 people will be the two of you.

>

> I'm thinking of my very abused sister who remarried

> a few years

> ago. The family totally boycotted her wedding.

> Totally. No one

> went. I was too pregnant to travel and too poor to

> go. She had a

> lovely one anyway and then went on a big fat cruise

> in the

> Caribbean. Very happy to this day. She married a

> prince.

>

> Kathleen

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Brides don't have to be walked down the aisle - since no one is " giving you

away "

you can walk all by yourself. Or do it as a couple - who says you have to do it

the " normal " way!!

Maybe you could marry somewhere, where you could place the seats in a semicircle

(no bride vs groom sides)

and the two of you walk into the center to say your vows. Or just get married

at his home with a JP and then have a party.

If you really want to get married - DO IT!! Don't let a nada ruin it. Do

whatever you've dreamed of for your dress and flowers and make the most of your

new friends and family. Have fun and enjoy life - look to the future - see the

light at the end of the tunnel!!

Ilene

[Guest guest]

Ellen,

You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

feel like that is taking something away from everyone

else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

sense?

Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

summary)

--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

> know

> >about!

>

>

----------------------------------------------------------

>

> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

> the leap. otherwise you

> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

> mother into your

> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

> You'll know when you

> are READY.

>

> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

> BPD mother NOT to go

> through with it up until the night before- BEST

> part of wedding was simply

> marrying this wonderful man.)

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Ellen,

You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

feel like that is taking something away from everyone

else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

sense?

Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

summary)

--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

> know

> >about!

>

>

----------------------------------------------------------

>

> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

> the leap. otherwise you

> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

> mother into your

> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

> You'll know when you

> are READY.

>

> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

> BPD mother NOT to go

> through with it up until the night before- BEST

> part of wedding was simply

> marrying this wonderful man.)

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Ellen,

You are right, and I won't do it until the situation

is right. I have no doubts about him, and he is

willing to run off and do it alone if I want. But I

feel like that is taking something away from everyone

else. And its not that eloping is what I WANT, its

that a ceremony is what I don't. Does that make

sense?

Maybe I'll just fly everyone from the list in to fill

up my side of the church...lol. (I just can't get

this image of walking down the aisle alone, having no

maid of honor, and no one sitting on my side while his

side looks " normal " ... it just seems like a sad

summary)

--- " Ellen C. Greene " wrote:

> >I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> Only

> >my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even

> know

> >about!

>

>

----------------------------------------------------------

>

> I'd try to get over these sentiments before taking

> the leap. otherwise you

> risk transferring the unresolved issues with your

> mother into your

> marriage. Being newly married is difficult enough.

> You'll know when you

> are READY.

>

> (happily married 18+ years- begged & bribed by my

> BPD mother NOT to go

> through with it up until the night before- BEST

> part of wedding was simply

> marrying this wonderful man.)

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

It's your marriage and that has to be a great day. So I think you are

entitled to avoid any party spoilers.

Well, some people might find it strange that your family is not

there, but what the heck, it's your marriage. Organising the marriage

the way your family wants it to be done, will not make them be nicer

to you, so just go for an arrangement that you and your fiancé feel

OK with.

I know that if ever I marry my family won't be there, and I also know

that deep in my heart, I will have a feeling of sadness about it. But

rather that than having my mother trying to get involved in it, or

spoiling the party with poisonous remarks.

If marrying your fiancé is what you want, then go for it and organise

it in a way which is comfortable for both of you.

Good luck.

Hildegard

> > Okay,

> >

> > The engagement topic has got me thinking about how

> > my

> > mother/families dysfunction still effects my life.

> > I

> > am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very

> > supportive

> > of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> > spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> > has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to

> > cut

> > off contact, while stating that if I do change my

> > mind

> > he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow

> > any

> > of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> > hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> > conversation!

> >

> > Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> > get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine

> > a

> > traditional wedding in my situation. My entire

> > family

> > doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really

> > more

> > casual relationships with the spouses of his

> > friends.

> > Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> > and family. I have no one to walk me down the

> > aisle,

> > and really no one that I am close enough to be my

> > maid

> > of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off

> > contact

> > with in the same time period that I cut off my mom

> > and

> > got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> > him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> > that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as

> > would

> > they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> > but I feel like the focal point of the day for me

> > (and

> > it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> > there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> > enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> > thing alone. But then again I don't want to be

> > there

> > alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

> >

> > I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> > Only

> > my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> > about!

> >

> > Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

--- ilene@... wrote:

> My nada got so mad when she found out I was getting

> married, she told me I would

> be divorced in 6 mos.

Ilene,

Another twin moment. When I started dating my fiance,

I didn't tell my nada for about 4 months. Finally, I

told her we were serious, and she said to me, in her

witchy, sarcastic, gritted teeth way, that she would

help raise the kids because divorce was the only thing

she was sure of about our relationship. Not that it

matters, but she had only met him one time for dinner

(maybe 2 hrs maximum).

I think that nadas must have the same script.

--- ilene@... wrote:

>

>

> My nada got so mad when she found out I was getting

> married, she told me I would

> be divorced in 6 mos. and I told her not to come and

> hung up the phone.

> She never sent us an anniversary card in the 20 yrs.

> we were in contact with

> her, but she never missed a Valentines card for us

> (anni is Feb.9 vs the 14th!)

> with a check for manipulation. So BP!!!

> Looking back, I didn't miss her being there - she

> wouldn't have added anything.

> there was no love or support - my wedding wouldn't

> have been any different.

> After 22 yrs, it doesn't even matter that we didn't

> have gobs of flowers or

> anything else.

> We did it in a hurry hoping I could keep from going

> to Germany, but after we

> married the AF changed its mind about my staying put

> and sent me any way! We

> were split up for 6 mos after just 6wks. of

> marriage! That was hard, but it did

> solidify our marriage. Then when he came over, we

> spent time together with no

> nada influence - that may have saved our marriage!!

> I'm not even one of those that wants to do it over -

> I think once was good

> enough!

>

> Ilene

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi !

If I may impose my opinion............ Get married without your family. The

most important thing are you and your husband-to-be. Keep the occasion bright

and positive, and surround yourselves with optimistic and supportive people.

You have a wonderfully bright and cheerful life ahead of you.

Celebrate your victory over BPD and don't look back. Keep your sights set

straight ahead, not behind you. Your family has chosen not to be a part of your

healing and growth. That's their choice, but you're no longer attached to it.

Soar with the eagles.

Best wishes,

Carol

Cheeto Weeto wrote:

> Okay,

>

> The engagement topic has got me thinking about how my

> mother/families dysfunction still effects my life. I

> am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very supportive

> of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to cut

> off contact, while stating that if I do change my mind

> he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow any

> of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> conversation!

>

> Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine a

> traditional wedding in my situation. My entire family

> doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really more

> casual relationships with the spouses of his friends.

> Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> and family. I have no one to walk me down the aisle,

> and really no one that I am close enough to be my maid

> of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off contact

> with in the same time period that I cut off my mom and

> got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as would

> they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> but I feel like the focal point of the day for me (and

> it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> thing alone. But then again I don't want to be there

> alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

>

> I feel like she is taking this away from me too. Only

> my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> about!

>

> Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

>

[Guest guest]

I can only say " ouch " to ....that must be painful....I had a good

friend who had her fiance walk her down the aisle.. and the minister just

left out the part in the service where he asked who was giving the bride

away....yes, it was untraditional but perfect for their situation

Re: Engagements/major life events

> ,

> I can SO relate to this. I'm an only child, and my

> parents aren't at all close to any of their family

> members, and as a result neither am I. Well, my

> fiance has a huge family so everyone at our wedding

> would be pretty much from his side. I would only have

> a few friends to invite, etc. Also, I don't have

> anyone to walk me down the aisle, I don't think. The

> situation with my parents right now is to woobly to

> made any decisions based on them. So, this is what

> we're doing. We're getting married at this parents'

> house, and I'm just going to walk down the aisle by

> myself. I thought about asking his grandfather and

> still might do that. I know that his family's friends

> will wonder about why I have no family there, but it's

> much better than them actually seeing why. I look at

> it like this is going to be my family and my childrens

> family too, so why not take advantage of it. If 90%

> of the wedding is from his side, it doesn't really

> matter because we're getting married and that makes

> them on my side too. As for the seating, we're

> definitely not having a groom's side and a bride's

> side.

> The only problem is that I haven't told my parents yet

> of our wedding plans. They know that we're engaged,

> but I know she's expecting me to get married in the

> town I grew up in. No thank you, there are not great

> memories there. I know she's going to flip when I

> tell her we're getting married at my fiance's parents'

> house because my nada's always seen them as the enemy.

> Hopefully, she'll get so mad, she won't want to come.

> Then problem solved.

> I hope that this helps a little bit.

>

>

>

> --- Cheeto Weeto wrote:

> > Okay,

> >

> > The engagement topic has got me thinking about how

> > my

> > mother/families dysfunction still effects my life.

> > I

> > am engaged to a wonderful man, who is very

> > supportive

> > of my family issues. He unequivicoly (btw... the

> > spelling of that word is so slaughtered spell check

> > has no suggestions... lol)supports my decision to

> > cut

> > off contact, while stating that if I do change my

> > mind

> > he will be supportive of that too,but won't allow

> > any

> > of her raging in our home or on our phone....

> > hahahah... I almost want to see her reaction to that

> > conversation!

> >

> > Anyway back to my point... we have not set a date to

> > get married, solely because of me. I cannot imagine

> > a

> > traditional wedding in my situation. My entire

> > family

> > doesn't speak to me, and my " friends " are really

> > more

> > casual relationships with the spouses of his

> > friends.

> > Our wedding would be made up entirely of his friends

> > and family. I have no one to walk me down the

> > aisle,

> > and really no one that I am close enough to be my

> > maid

> > of honor (my best friend of 10 years I cut off

> > contact

> > with in the same time period that I cut off my mom

> > and

> > got divorced). My fiance says eloping is fine with

> > him, that he just wants to get married. But I know

> > that he would prefer his loved ones be there, as

> > would

> > they. I feel 100% selfish in not wanting a wedding,

> > but I feel like the focal point of the day for me

> > (and

> > it couldn't possibly go without notice to people

> > there) that I have no one. I want to be strong

> > enough to not care, and go through with the whole

> > thing alone. But then again I don't want to be

> > there

> > alone. Its not suppose to be like this.

> >

> > I feel like she is taking this away from me too.

> > Only

> > my mother could ruin a wedding she doesn't even know

> > about!

> >

> > Any suggestions? Permanent engagement?

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >